Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Connect, share, annoy

Ok, this is it. I am coming out of the closet and calling for a revolution. And, if I stand alone, so be it — a revolution of one is easier to organize, anyway, and there’s less pressure when you are preparing snacks for the meetings. Anyway, on to the bombshell…

Ok, this is it. I am coming out of the closet and calling for a revolution. And, if I stand alone, so be it — a revolution of one is easier to organize, anyway, and there’s less pressure when you are preparing snacks for the meetings. Anyway, on to the bombshell:

I HATE Facebook.

I’m not kidding. HATE. IT.

I’ve got an inbox full of friend requests awaiting attention, but I refuse to log in. Why? Because Facebook is everything in my life I’ve worked to avoid all in one, central location. However, I’m an optimist, and thus have some suggestions on ways that FB might get back in my good graces and help make the world a better place.

First, there are the people who think it’s necessary that we get back/stay in touch, while I respectfully disagree. Former classmates, exes, friends of exes that I am still expected to pretend to like (which I barely managed during the relationship), coworkers, ex-coworkers who have moved on to something way better and for some reason expect me to be excited, family members, ex-family members (my people LOVE to divorce), customers (God knows I don’t get enough of them when I am getting paid to be polite), and random people who have, somehow, figured out my real name and want to include “our little secret” in their friends list. One of the waiting requests is, I kid you not, is from my uncle. Who is dead. I have huge guilt about not accepting his friend request and now he has passed and there it sits. I can’t delete it, it feels too final. I can’t accept it, it feels too creepy. I just let it sit, hoping that maybe I’ll be granted access to the Hot Tub Time Machine and can either go back in time and accept that request before he kicks or go even further back in time and find a cure for cancer. Maybe Facebook could find me someone I am actually interested in connecting with? Suggestions to start with: Heidi Montag’s psychic Business Manager, the person who hit my car in the mall parking lot after I’d had it only a week and just carelessly drove away, and Salma Hayek.

And what of the Facebook games that people play and fill my timeline with? Are you kidding me with this stuff? What part of me needs to know that a girl I haven’t seen since junior high is tending her fields in Farmville (I probably said that wrong, but, if you correct me, everyone will know that you are one of those people)? Wouldn’t a more realistic game include this status update: “A-Girl-You-Don’t-Care-About got paid by the Federal Government not to tend her fields in Farmville”? How about: “The-Best-Friend-Of-The-Guy-You-Used-To-Date-Who-Cheated-On-You-And-Then-Married-The-Girl-He-Cheated-With-Even-Though-He-Had-A-Fear-Of-Commitment has been foreclosed on and is looking for a way to feed his family in Farmville”? Would the game be as fun? Probably. But darker. Like Halo. Or Strip Poker.

Don’t think I’m forgetting about the quizzes. My god, the quizzes! I don’t care which jungle animal, screen siren, 80’s movie character, or flavor of Jell-o you are because, honestly, we all know it’s dung beetle, Frances Farmer, The Asshole From Karate Kid, and Lime. With floating fruit. I call for more realistic quizzes. How about: “Which tragic but secretly hilarious way will you die?” or “Which Kirstie Alley do you most resemble?” (Good = Cheers or Jenny Craig, Bad = Crazy Scientology or Crazy Fat Actress) or even “Which glandular disorder should you claim to explain the way you look/act?” Because, frankly, when you share which world leader you are, I’m pretty sure the terrorists win.

Even less forgivable are the status updates that people write themselves. What kind of romantic relationship are you in if you have to post, several times a day, that you “love your boo” or “miss your sweetie”? How about how much you “love your children”? Are your children even ON Facebook? If they are, my guess is that they are old enough that, just maybe, a) you no longer feel as sweetly about them as you once did and b) they sure as hell don’t want you spewing that lovetalk all over the damn place. Other status updates you should never, ever make: “Off to the doctor”, “Chicken for dinner,” “Need coffee,” or “What a day!” Allow me to suggest: “Off to the doctor to get that pesky rash looked at,” “Chicken for dinner, penis for dessert,” “Need coffee because meth withdrawal is a bitch,” or “What a day, the work of a hit man is never done!” By the way, I am available for part-time life coach work because, really, you could use some jazzing up.

The good news is, there’s hope. With a few changes and an “unlike” button, Facebook could win me over. I just have to get a little more boring, self-absorbed, and vacuous. Truthfully, we all know that I’m already on my way.

  • error

    Report an error

The Checkout Girl

The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.

There are 13 reader comments. Read them.