Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Connect, share, annoy
Ok, this is it. I am coming out of the closet and calling for a revolution. And, if I stand alone, so be it — a revolution of one is easier to organize, anyway, and there’s less pressure when you are preparing snacks for the meetings. Anyway, on to the bombshell…
Ok, this is it. I am coming out of the closet and calling for a revolution. And, if I stand alone, so be it — a revolution of one is easier to organize, anyway, and there’s less pressure when you are preparing snacks for the meetings. Anyway, on to the bombshell:
I HATE Facebook.
I’m not kidding. HATE. IT.
I’ve got an inbox full of friend requests awaiting attention, but I refuse to log in. Why? Because Facebook is everything in my life I’ve worked to avoid all in one, central location. However, I’m an optimist, and thus have some suggestions on ways that FB might get back in my good graces and help make the world a better place.
First, there are the people who think it’s necessary that we get back/stay in touch, while I respectfully disagree. Former classmates, exes, friends of exes that I am still expected to pretend to like (which I barely managed during the relationship), coworkers, ex-coworkers who have moved on to something way better and for some reason expect me to be excited, family members, ex-family members (my people LOVE to divorce), customers (God knows I don’t get enough of them when I am getting paid to be polite), and random people who have, somehow, figured out my real name and want to include “our little secret” in their friends list. One of the waiting requests is, I kid you not, is from my uncle. Who is dead. I have huge guilt about not accepting his friend request and now he has passed and there it sits. I can’t delete it, it feels too final. I can’t accept it, it feels too creepy. I just let it sit, hoping that maybe I’ll be granted access to the Hot Tub Time Machine and can either go back in time and accept that request before he kicks or go even further back in time and find a cure for cancer. Maybe Facebook could find me someone I am actually interested in connecting with? Suggestions to start with: Heidi Montag’s psychic Business Manager, the person who hit my car in the mall parking lot after I’d had it only a week and just carelessly drove away, and Salma Hayek.
And what of the Facebook games that people play and fill my timeline with? Are you kidding me with this stuff? What part of me needs to know that a girl I haven’t seen since junior high is tending her fields in Farmville (I probably said that wrong, but, if you correct me, everyone will know that you are one of those people)? Wouldn’t a more realistic game include this status update: “A-Girl-You-Don’t-Care-About got paid by the Federal Government not to tend her fields in Farmville”? How about: “The-Best-Friend-Of-The-Guy-You-Used-To-Date-Who-Cheated-On-You-And-Then-Married-The-Girl-He-Cheated-With-Even-Though-He-Had-A-Fear-Of-Commitment has been foreclosed on and is looking for a way to feed his family in Farmville”? Would the game be as fun? Probably. But darker. Like Halo. Or Strip Poker.
Don’t think I’m forgetting about the quizzes. My god, the quizzes! I don’t care which jungle animal, screen siren, 80’s movie character, or flavor of Jell-o you are because, honestly, we all know it’s dung beetle, Frances Farmer, The Asshole From Karate Kid, and Lime. With floating fruit. I call for more realistic quizzes. How about: “Which tragic but secretly hilarious way will you die?” or “Which Kirstie Alley do you most resemble?” (Good = Cheers or Jenny Craig, Bad = Crazy Scientology or Crazy Fat Actress) or even “Which glandular disorder should you claim to explain the way you look/act?” Because, frankly, when you share which world leader you are, I’m pretty sure the terrorists win.
Even less forgivable are the status updates that people write themselves. What kind of romantic relationship are you in if you have to post, several times a day, that you “love your boo” or “miss your sweetie”? How about how much you “love your children”? Are your children even ON Facebook? If they are, my guess is that they are old enough that, just maybe, a) you no longer feel as sweetly about them as you once did and b) they sure as hell don’t want you spewing that lovetalk all over the damn place. Other status updates you should never, ever make: “Off to the doctor”, “Chicken for dinner,” “Need coffee,” or “What a day!” Allow me to suggest: “Off to the doctor to get that pesky rash looked at,” “Chicken for dinner, penis for dessert,” “Need coffee because meth withdrawal is a bitch,” or “What a day, the work of a hit man is never done!” By the way, I am available for part-time life coach work because, really, you could use some jazzing up.
The good news is, there’s hope. With a few changes and an “unlike” button, Facebook could win me over. I just have to get a little more boring, self-absorbed, and vacuous. Truthfully, we all know that I’m already on my way.
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The Checkout Girl
The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.
Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
I so agree with you. I could not have said it better. Be sure to bring enough refreshements to the meeting for me.
love your suggestions, esp the quizzes and status updates. it’s all i can do somedays not to be totally rude and crude about these things.
oh well, off to target to get some KY yours+mine for date night.
I’m glad Facebook wasn’t around when I was dating. Who has time to delete pictures, add picture, un-friend, in a relationship, not in a relationship. I do find it funny though to my younger friends who are still dating.
You can choose to hide all the Farmville/Mafia Wars/etc updates.
What kills me is all the people clogging my feed by becoming fans of utterly random groups like “I bet this pickle can get more fans than Nickelback” or “I like the handicap stall because of all the space” Come. on.
Love this, though I am a die-hard Farmville fan and not afraid to admit it. It is very satisfying. Weird about your dead uncle friend request. An Aunt of a guy I dated friended me. I ignored, but felt bad about it.
I agree with you about hating all the people who wax poetic about their loves or children. The status updates about “having coffee” or “at the dentist” are folks who are behind the curve and haven’t joined Twitter yet. FB is where we used to write all that crap before we got Twitter.
It’s a transparency issue for shut-ins, introverts and everyone else who would’ve been self-selected out of the gene pool prior to the advent of modernity.
FB is the primary social prism through which all members of society must be visible lest they be described as “shady,” “weird” or “who is that guy?”
Even the most obvious of personal details is enough to allay these suspicions of possibly dangerous-to-society non-conformity.
Never have we lived in an age where writing the fragment, “workin’ out, eatin dinner and then watching The Office” could turn a questionable individual into trustworthy everyman.
Good point Nayagan. It is funny to think that if I were to post a comment saying, “watchin’ the game.”, I would seem completely normal in society, but if I were to post my usual comments of “trying to figure out Max/MSP and cooking a giant pot of sambar,” I suddenly become very strange.
I was super hesitant to join at first, but I will say that it has been a great way for me to keep in contact and coordinate with my friends abroad. It all depends on what you use it for I suppose.
The one thing I like about relationships based on interactions on a computer is you can always log off, change your name or otherwise disappear without a trace and it’s as if you never were. Note to self: Never, never, ever disclose your real name and age when wearing a mask….
And yes, if I had wanted to stay in touch, I would have done so all along. There was a reason I didn’t return all those calls in the first place.
I’m stealing ““Need coffee because meth withdrawal is a bitch” to post on FB. Love it!
But….but…but…..I fucking LOVE Facebook. I LOVE IT. And I have no guilt about denying, ignoring and blocking. It’s the one thing I have control over in my life and I revel in it.
I hate twitter, though. 140 characters? Man, I’m just getting warmed up at 140. As you know, I never shut up. I would annoy everyone on twitter.
LOVE IT!!!!
Amen sister. Amen.
I’m sharing the link on Facebook, lol. This is awesome!