Memos from the desk of: Chatty Kidnappers

Not much to say about this one. Except that it’s somewhat twisted and disturbed, and you should totally, totally read it.

Hi! I see you standing there. What’s your deal? You look helpful, wanna help me load this couch into my van? Couches are so heavy, but I’m sure a strong gal like yourself can lift it! Do you mind going first? I get vertigo when i walk backward. Say, you sure have nice skin! What are you, size 8? If I was a girl I always thought I’d be a size 8. But I’m not, yet. Just kidding! Haha I got you there! Guys don’t become girls. At least not without a size 8 in a pit–I mean, if I was a size 8, that would be the pits! But you’d look good on me–or, (hah!) it looks good on you. Your skin that is. An 8 you say? Almost there, just a few steps back. Whew! Couches are so heavy!

Did I tie these too tight? You never can tell. “Different people, different wrists,” I always say. Yessir, we all have our own wrists. They don’t give you a manual for this stuff, you know. My first time, I couldn’t decide between rope and duct tape, so eventually I settled on bungee cords. Bungee cords! What a laugh! I guess you had to be there.

You know what, you guys? I’m sorry, but I just gotta ask. What is a lovely family like yours doing home on a Saturday night? Oh, don’t be ashamed, it’s nothing to cry over. Going out is sooo overrated anyways, don’t you think? Me, I barely ever leave the house. It’s just getting too damn expensive! And who knows where to go these days? When I was younger, I went out every night and it was fabulous. Now you can’t get a waffle from a wrinkled old smoker for less than a king’s ransom. Now that I say that, I’ll bet you’re glad you didn’t go out tonight, aren’t you?

Alright! Now! Time for Mister Tied-Up Exec to answer some questions! Isn’t it? Isn’t it? How much would a big strong man like you fetch these days, hmmm? I bet a million. I bet ten billion! Ooooh-wee! Hee hee! Look at you wiggle! What’s that? I can’t hear you, Mr. Mouth-Gag McWiggleTrunk! If I’d know you were this playful, I would-a bought you a cosmo and taken you to meet my folks!

  • error

    Report an error

Christopher Elford

Christopher Elford is a Canadian-born waiter, writer, and comedian who enjoys playing a game called “Drink When You’re Unhappy.” He lives in Richmond, Virginia with his two cats and would love to do stand-up at your next garden or office party.

There are 10 reader comments. Read them.