Memos from the desk of: Chatty Kidnappers
Not much to say about this one. Except that it’s somewhat twisted and disturbed, and you should totally, totally read it.
Hi! I see you standing there. What’s your deal? You look helpful, wanna help me load this couch into my van? Couches are so heavy, but I’m sure a strong gal like yourself can lift it! Do you mind going first? I get vertigo when i walk backward. Say, you sure have nice skin! What are you, size 8? If I was a girl I always thought I’d be a size 8. But I’m not, yet. Just kidding! Haha I got you there! Guys don’t become girls. At least not without a size 8 in a pit–I mean, if I was a size 8, that would be the pits! But you’d look good on me–or, (hah!) it looks good on you. Your skin that is. An 8 you say? Almost there, just a few steps back. Whew! Couches are so heavy!
Did I tie these too tight? You never can tell. “Different people, different wrists,” I always say. Yessir, we all have our own wrists. They don’t give you a manual for this stuff, you know. My first time, I couldn’t decide between rope and duct tape, so eventually I settled on bungee cords. Bungee cords! What a laugh! I guess you had to be there.
You know what, you guys? I’m sorry, but I just gotta ask. What is a lovely family like yours doing home on a Saturday night? Oh, don’t be ashamed, it’s nothing to cry over. Going out is sooo overrated anyways, don’t you think? Me, I barely ever leave the house. It’s just getting too damn expensive! And who knows where to go these days? When I was younger, I went out every night and it was fabulous. Now you can’t get a waffle from a wrinkled old smoker for less than a king’s ransom. Now that I say that, I’ll bet you’re glad you didn’t go out tonight, aren’t you?
Alright! Now! Time for Mister Tied-Up Exec to answer some questions! Isn’t it? Isn’t it? How much would a big strong man like you fetch these days, hmmm? I bet a million. I bet ten billion! Ooooh-wee! Hee hee! Look at you wiggle! What’s that? I can’t hear you, Mr. Mouth-Gag McWiggleTrunk! If I’d know you were this playful, I would-a bought you a cosmo and taken you to meet my folks!
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Christopher Elford
Christopher Elford is a Canadian-born waiter, writer, and comedian who enjoys playing a game called “Drink When You’re Unhappy.” He lives in Richmond, Virginia with his two cats and would love to do stand-up at your next garden or office party.
Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
uh, what?
I can’t decide which makes me laugh more, the first memo or the guy’s mask in the picture.
To quote Steve Martin: ‘Comedy is not pretty.’
That’s funny. I get vertigo when i walk backward too….
I back this segment 100%. Not because I’m creepy….but because I’m creepy.
Hey I’m a big fan of oneway Mr. J but many folks don’t like comment spam. It’s the worst way possible to promote the blog, short of wearing a tee shirt with the logo outside of a michael vick trial.
My two cents.
Apparently, there is a new sheriff in town and his gun shoots spam…
These are all kidnapping scenes from movies… parodied?
The first one was inspired by silence of the lambs, and the third one was inspired by funny games and i guess the Strangers. the second and fourth one were just kind of generic kidnapping scene that came to mind, although i am sure they are in many many movies.
And incidentally, I wrote all of them with a feminine lispy accent in mind.