Victoria’s Secret

I don’t enjoy when someone famous goes around the bend, No, there is no joy in mudville when I find out that someone’s seams popped and the loopy is leaking out. No glee at all. And, speaking of Glee, do you guys remember Victoria Jackson?

Writing about a celebrity whose seams are showing, like hatching an egg, is all about the timing.

I’m the mama bird, sitting on the egg filled with fame and crazy, patiently waiting. First a rumble, then someone says to me, “Did you hear about the crazy thing that so and so did? You have to write about that!” “Shh… patience,” I answer, “They’re not finished.” Then a peckpeckpeck and a tiny hole in the shell. “Oh my god, Jennifer! Now so and so is on the talk show circuit, revealing further nuttiness! Put that in your column this week!” “Not yet,” I say, shaking my head, “There’s still more.” Then the egg cracks wide open, the celebrity stretches out, shakes their feathers dry, and reveals the glory that is the full-blown kookstick.

I don’t enjoy when someone famous goes around the bend, except in the way that it reinforces my theory that everyone is, at heart (head?), unbalanced, and some people can’t keep it in forever. No, there is no joy in mudville when I find out that someone’s seams popped and the loopy is leaking out. No glee at all.

And, speaking of Glee, do you guys remember Victoria Jackson? She was the blonde beauty who graced Saturday Night Live in the late 80’s and early 90’s, famous for acrobatics (She trained to be a gymnast.), silly songs and poems, and playing the fair-haired, squeaky-voiced bimbo in every sketch that needed one (If only she hadn’t left just a year before Clinton was elected. She could have had two terms more of steady work). Remember now? Adorable, right? Well, she says that the show Glee is “trying to make kids gay.”

Actually, Victoria Jackson is saying a lot of things right now. Appearing much as she did when I was still young and hopeful, including a mass of blond curls, held in place by a giant Minnie Mouse-style bow, and a voice borrowed from the same rodent. There’s a little more of her now, mass-wise, but the same could be said for me, and, at 51, she looks great.

But something is different. She’s worried, she says, about the way this country is going. She has recently appeared on several television talk shows, stating that she has aligned herself with the Tea Party, and ranting about the state of things. She emphasizes, with conviction that she never seemed to be able to achieve as an actress, that Obama is a communist and Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, and Sean Hannity should run the country. She squeaks it loud, she squeaks it proud, the most adept Saturday Night Live writer could not create a more perfect character.

She’s also taken to the internet to get the word out. She’s written a few columns for, a website that describes itself as “an independent news company dedicated to uncompromising journalism, seeking truth and justice and revitalizing the role of the free press as a guardian of liberty.” No mention of Jesus, but there are many books on Christianity available through their online store (With an equal number about Liberal conspiracies.) and a “Daily Blessing” available, should you need one.

Her writing pulls no punches about her beliefs.

Did you see “Glee” this week? Sickening! Two men kissing on the mouth! And I don’t care what is politically correct. Everyone knows that two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit, not an “alternate lifestyle”! There I said it! Ridiculous!

Frankly, I’m afraid to say anything about Muslims. Why? Because they kill people.

The Muslims don’t want their “hijab” searched at the TSA. They are “modest.” They’ve been advised to refuse the “pat down” and the “naked scan” and pat themselves down! Heaven forbid they be treated like the rest of us! This is ridiculous! How many bombs do you think you can hide under one of those big, black sheets?

Why do liberals embrace Shariah law even though “beheading your wife” seems to go against the feminist movement’s mantra? Why do liberals embrace Islam knowing it frowns on homosexuality? Because they have the same goals. Progressives, communists, liberals, globalists and Muslims want to destroy America. When that goal is reached, they will fight for top billing. It will be bloody.

I want this to be an elaborate Punk’d, without having to deal with Ashton. A Joaquin Phoenix. A the thing that I’m still holding out hope that Charlie Sheen is. Because I really, really like Victoria Jackson. Old clips of her on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (On which she appeared 20 times — Johnny was completely enamored of her) showcase her impeccable comic timing and a bubbly airheadedness, combined with dead-on looks at the camera that say “I’m putting one over on the whole world.” Her intelligence is unmistakable, even while standing on her head.

But the realist in me suspects that this is no act. And, while I am definitely not the kind of person who needs entertainers she enjoys to share her convictions, there’s a difference, in my eyes, between someone’s choice about choice and “bombs under big, black sheets”. THAT is the shit that will destroy America.

And, while I’m almost certain that your particular crazy isn’t finished hatching, Ms. Jackson, I just couldn’t sit on your ignorant egg anymore. I only wish Victoria would have kept this secret.

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The Checkout Girl

The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.

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