Twelebrity Twalk Twith Twe Tweckout Twirl

If there’s one thing the modern world was missing, it was a way for millions of us to instantly know what celebrities were thinking at any time, day or night. Enter Twitter, the real time 140 character answer to all of my prayers.

If there’s one thing the modern world was missing, it was a way for millions of us to instantly know what celebrities were thinking at any time, day or night. Enter Twitter, the real time 140 character answer to all of my prayers. Ok, SOME of my prayers. It would need to have Salma Hayek’s boobs and a Krispy Kreme factory to answer ALL of my prayers.

So, do you wonder what your favorite movie star had for lunch? Done! How about what that soap opera hottie thought of the latest blockbuster movie? Ok! And the man you called “the best author who ever lived”, well, did you know he does his own laundry JUST LIKE YOU? Yep!

Last week, Kim Kardashian (@KimKardashian) tweeted this: “EWW Im at lunch,the woman at the table next 2 me is breast feeding her baby with no coverup then puts baby on the table and changes her diaper” and confused her fellow tweeps. Was the “EWW” over the breastfeeding or the diaper? Should we be angry with her or rise up with her over people opening a package full of pee and poo on a table where we might some day eat (trust me, none of us are eating at a Kardashian table, mmkay?) our OWN lunches? Some reacted, some waited. Then she said this: “My sister breast feeds! Its a natural beautiful thing, there’s nothing wrong w it, but she covers herself, not w her boobs exposed”. Oh, KK. There was a whomp whomp heard ’round the world as she, not content with just the tip of her Christian Louboutin in her mouth, went for the whole shoe. Lactivists shouted, anti-nipplites shouted, and most of us could care less what a spoiled, twentiesish, celebutante thought of our tater tots.

But, no matter your opinion of the Queen of Letting It All Hang Out ironically telling a woman to cover up, you can’t deny the power of social media. Kim Kardashian has almost four million followers, which is a whole lot of voice for someone who made a sex tape with a man named Ray J and hawks diet pills. Yeah, I said it. See how easy it is to make four million enemies with the click of a keyboard?

But Kim is not the only celeb to have stepped in it on twitter. MegaChachi, Scott Baio (@RealScottBaio), might look like the affable Charles in Charge in his avatar, but he let his ass hang out in the tweetstream, recently. He tweeted: “Taxes are DONE…That should feed, house & provide medical for a few lazy non working people at my expense. Have a great Monday!” which put quite a few people sideways. The website posted the tweet, causing its readers to go wild in the comments section. His wife then went to facebook to accuse jezebel readers of being “far left lesbians”, saying that “Scott Baio has more class in his piss than in all of you all!!!” Yep, three exclamation points. Now, I’m not sure how Renee Baio knows how much class is in the commenters, let alone her husband’s tinkle, but those were some pretty harsh words. But this is not Baio’s first brush with Twitter controversy. In January he tweeted an unflattering picture of Michelle Obama with a comment that read: “Wow, he wakes up to this every morning.” Seems to me this guy is not having enough happy days.

Another D-lister famous for being twitter TNT is Spencer Pratt (@spencerpratt). He seems to be as big of a fan of sending hateful tweets to other celebrities as he is of himself. He has recently dumped on Audrina Partridge for her “Tijuana plastic surgery” and Kate Hudson for her small breast implants, saying: “How is it possible to get breast implants and still not have breasts! – Kate H – get ur money back … I got a guy who will hook you up!” Wait, the on-again/off-again boyfriend/husband of Heidi Montag (@heidimontag) is giving plastic surgery advice? Twitter has just paid for itself in awesomeness! He’s also taken on Kim Kardashian and Snooki from Jersey Shore, which is funny because they both kind of seem like girls he would be into. It’s possible that this is a case of pigtail pulling in the schoolyard and he’s got some crushies. Spencer, if you are interested in me, please don’t distweet, just go ahead and DM.

And speaking of hair-pulling celebs, Katy Perry (@katyperry) tweeted: “Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke” on the day that Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) premiered the video for “Alejandro”, which is heavy on religious imagery. Big talk for a girl who, on the same day (no relation I’m sure), premiered a video where she fights Snoop Dogg and an army of gummi bears, armed only with a bra that shoots whipped cream like an excited pre-teen boy at his first coed swim party. This particular Twitter catfight (Twatfight?) is disappointing because 1) I like Katy Perry and 2) I tell fart jokes.

But it’s not all back-biting and boob-hating on Twitter. Some celebrities just use the platform to demonstrate how vapid, boring, and bad at spelling they are. For example…

If a man really wanted to get away with cheating on his woman, he’d store his other girls’ name on his phone as “low battery.”

— John Mayer (@johncmayer)

Why is it that people always try to understand estimate my intelligents?! They should never do that!

— Mary J. Blige (@maryjblige)

Morning! Went for a run. Now I have to get my day going. My legs are so soar from yesterday… I kind of love being soar. I know it worked

— Khloe Kardashian (@KhloeKardashian)

I hope I never get put in prison. Lil Wayne would so tap this

— Joe Jonas (@joejonas)

“I don’t love acting anymore so I’ve stopped doing it”

— Amanda Bynes (@chicky)

My point is that not all celebrities who Twitter are terrible people who misuse their platform in ugly ways. Some are just like you and me. Well, you, because I have spell-check on my computer, don’t pay my taxes, and think breastfeeding rules.

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The Checkout Girl

The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.

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