Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Stars for sale

Earlier this week, a little bird told me that something was up with The Situation from Jersey Shore and vodka. Now, I’m not a huge fan of fist pumps and fitness (“You’re kidding!” No, I’m completely serious.) but the Jersey Shore kids are good for gossip and making me feel better about my own life choices, so I decided to investigate further.

August 30, 2010; 12:00 PM • by The Checkout Girl

Earlier this week, a little bird (called Twitter, FYI) told me that something was up with The Situation from Jersey Shore and vodka. Now, I’m not a huge fan of fist pumps and fitness (“You’re kidding!” No, I’m completely serious.) but the Jersey Shore kids are good for gossip and making me feel better about my own life choices, so I decided to investigate further. The Bad News: There’s no alcohol-induced scandal. This time. The Good News: It’s still gossip-worthy.

It seems that Mr. Situation (aka Mike Sorrentino. boring, right?) has signed on to be the spokesman for a new brand of vodka called Devotion. New vodkas are a dime a dozen, but this one is special. It seems that Devotion is infused with protein. Slashfood says that the man who invented the drink was “so obsessed with his two loves — nightlife and keeping lean muscle mass — that he decided to combine his protein supplement with his vodka.” It goes on, “The protein that’s added is supposedly good for supporting an increase in lean body mass and a decrease in body fat, but only if you include lifting weights in your fitness regimen.” Healthy vodka? Why not?! And The Situation, a fitness center manager and the absolute picture of health, is the perfect choice for spokesman. You know, because Lindsay Lohan is clean.

But it’s not only celebs with ripped abs the color of sweet potatoes who are getting endorsement deals. Everywhere you look these days celebs are spieling for their suppers. In fact, I just today saw Hulk Hogan in a classy commercial for something called Debt Help Center USA. These places are more popular than ever in our over-extended, cash-strapped society, but few of them can brag of a man in a muscle shirt that says “DON’T SWEAT THE DEBT”, screaming about their credit card consultation services. I know times are tough for a pro-wrestler in the post-WWF world, but this has gotta be a half-nelson on the ego.

Before he went to the big nostalgia TV convention in the sky, I saw Gary Coleman doing an even more embarrassing commercial for a company called Cash Call. I’m pretty sure it’s one of those cash advance/payday loan places and Gary was more than likely an actual customer, but the commercial is 15 seconds of pure, unadulterated crazy. He laughs, hysterically through the whole thing, barely getting out his line of “I LOOOVE YOU, CASH CALL!” and then “No one would lend me any money. Not even my relatives!”, then cackles until the voice-over comes on and the commercial ends. It’s so much uncomfortable insanity that even a quarter of a minute feels like a squirmy forever. At this point, it’s straight-up sad to watch and I just hope he got enough to bail him out of whatever financial jam he was in. Whatchu talkin’ bout, Cash Call?

Speaking of semi-shameless, at least Gary Coleman, Hulk Hogan, and even The Situation are believable. Have you seen Magic Johnson’s commercials for Rent-A-Center? This guy has never used a furniture rental store in his adult life! “A big-screen tv. Stylish furniture. A bedroom set. Rent-A-Centers help you bring your dreams within reach.” Really, Magic? How about screw you? Who dreams of renting an overpriced bedroom set that’s been repossessed from three families prior because they couldn’t pay he outrageous weekly payments? Or eventually paying $500 for a microwave that retails for $150 at Target? My guess is nobody. If somebody is so poor and has credit so bad that they can’t get something financed at a store, how are you helping them by selling them a thousand dollar XBOX? Stop sounding trustworthy for blood diamonds, Mr. Johnson! Also, age! You look exactly the same as you did when I was a kid!

Look, celebrity product endorsements aren’t new. They’ve been around since products and celebrities were invented. And people have always wanted to drive, wear, and smoke the same things that famous people do. But I think that fame can mean more than taking every check shoved at you by a company that wants to use your face/reputation to sell their shit. Besides, if I never again hear Jamie Lee Curtis waxing poetic in euphemisms about bowel movements, it’ll be too soon. No, YOU film YOUR Activia challenge, Jamie Lee!

The Checkout Girl can usually be found with her laptop attached to her fingertips, updating thecheckoutgirl.net or, more frequently, fuckyeahmotherhood.com. She also tweets/twits/twats as @thecheckoutgirl or @fyeahmotherhood. She loves all things dishy and is looking for a manicurist who will scrawl obscenities in her nail polish, because she’s THAT cutting edge.

August 30, 2010 12:00 PM 0