Memos from the desk of: The Founding Fathers

A glimpse into the thoughts of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and more. And by “thoughts” we mean “funny things we made up but think you should read.”

(First published on June 30, 2009)

ATTN: All able-bodied men. Please sign up at your local magistrate’s office to help in this fast-approaching war. Shit ain’t gonna fight itself.

— George Washington

Let us not forget the reason we came to this great land. We came for freedom. We came for liberty and democracy. We came for sugar. We came, dear friends, for molasses. When you feel weak on the field of battle, think of that sweet, dark molasses, be it on bread or baked into a cake. I use the bread thing, it’s easier to visualize.

— Thomas Jefferson

Let the rivers of freedom flow forth like the mighty Missouri. Let it wash over the east and the west like smoke from the huts of the Mandans. Let it hold together like the hunting parties of the Nez-Perce. And, good people, let it pierce our hearts like the arrows of the Iriquois… Medic!

— Meriwether Lewis

Bitch act like he don’t know me.

— Sally Hemmings

I have been asked how we know who the enemy is. THEY’RE THE FOOLS IN RED FUCKING COATS. If you own a red coat, DO NOT WEAR IT OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN.

— George Washington

Regarding acceptable terminology for our great nation: We are trying to phase out the term “colonies,” as we are no longer a colony but a great and independent nation. We will accept “the States,” “America,” or “the USA.” Or “Quincyville.” Let’s accept that one too.

— John Quincy Adams

We have heard it said that the pen is mightier than the sword. As swordsmanship is vital in battle, should we not then also consider penmanship a necessity?

— John Hancock

Re: Candle Usage
I fear I am the only man in this country seeking to save wax and wick. We must make this a priority. Maybe not #1, or even #2, but… but definitely top 5. Try this simple rhyme to help you remember:

“Candle burn long,
sorrowful song.
Candle burn short,
That’s the sort!
Candle burn medium,
Room for improvement.”

— Benjamin Franklin

Are we in agreement that these Alien & Sedition Acts are totes lame? I read those and I was all, “Uh-uh, I don’t think so y’all.” So me and Teej are all, “Let’s do it. Let’s make this Federalist papers thing happen.” But then he’s like, “What are you doing now?” and I’m like, “You ain’t never seen a guy do aerobics? Gotta get my cardio in before I write.” That’s why his school is like, hella boring. I’m gonna start a school that’s like, about partying and meeting people and stuff first, boring stuff second.

— James Madison

Re: 4th of July
I know I’m not a founding father, but I’d just like to say I think the article is coming along pretty ok so far.

— C. Elford

Re: Re: 4th of July
Aw, come on Chris! When you use your imagination, you can come along and see all our adventures! Just Drink my July 4th Magic Tonic!

— Patrick Henry

Re: Re: Re: 4th of July

— C. Elford

(All singing together)
We hope that you enjoy
Independence Day in wonder!
Let never any tyrant
Ever put us asunder!

(Now they are joined by Noam Chomsky, Barack Obama, and the cast of LOST)

America, America!
God shed his grace on thee!

(TJ) And Me!
And Me!
And me and me and me!
And crown Thy good with brotherhood
(Susan Boyle)
Except for in Detroit!

(A well-rigged grand finale of fireworks punctuates the songs end as all strike a pose)

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Christopher Elford

Christopher Elford is a Canadian-born waiter, writer, and comedian who enjoys playing a game called “Drink When You’re Unhappy.” He lives in Richmond, Virginia with his two cats and would love to do stand-up at your next garden or office party.

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