What I am Thankful For

An incomplete list of my humble blessings and gracious good fortunes.

November 27, 2008; 4:16 AM • by Pete Humes

I’m thankful for so many things that I hardly know where to begin.

But right here seems as good a place as any…

I am thankful that Richmond is now considered the 49th most dangerous city in the country. This proves that my 2008 New Year’s Resolution to “murder less” actually made a difference.

I am thankful that the Richmond Braves have finally left the city. Truth be told, they were just setting a bad example, what with all the spitting and the tight pants and the grabbing.

I am thankful this will be the last year that Mayor Wilder will be in office. It was great fun while it lasted, but once he became obsessed with the soundtrack to “Mamma Mia!” his ability to govern really suffered.

I am thankful that the long-suffering residents of Oregon Hill finally have a Chili’s within walking distance. You smell that? That’s the smell of progress… and also Boneless Habanero Wings.

I am thankful that Virginia voted Democratic. Now if only we could do something about all the seersucker and bow ties.

I am thankful that Chipotle hires Hispanic employees to make burritos, because frankly, the Swiss and the Vietnamese don’t know shit about salsa and refried beans.

I am thankful that I can now watch Gene Cox in high-definition. It’s just like having a creepy old man aquarium. Don’t tap the glass!

I am thankful that my drug mule days are long behind me. Let’s just leave it at that.

I am thankful that baby cats don’t explode when you squeeze them because I love me a good, hard kitten hug.

I am thankful that I am always sick around my birthday. I imagine this is just a convenient way for my body to remind me that I’m one year closer to death. Thanks body!

I am thankful that people who love chicken wings have so many places to hang out. Can you imagine what kind of messed-up world it would be if they just stood around on street corners?

I am thankful that the tie goes to the runner.

I am thankful that Circuit City is in financial trouble because they once charged me way too much to repair a video camera that ended up breaking anyway. If that’s not a good enough reason for an entire corporation to implode, I don’t know what is.

I am thankful that just thinking about robbing a bank is not a crime, because every single time I actually go inside a bank, that’s all I think about. I also wonder how long the free coffee has been sitting out.

I am thankful that the Richmond Downtown Master Plan is not being produced by Axl Rose.

I am thankful that the election season is over and that I can go to sleep without needing Keith Olbermann to tell me what to think. Though I still dream of him fondly, it is in more of a “crimefighting duo” capacity.

I am thankful that coffee does not contain estrogen, because if it did, I would be a complete bitch with enormous breasts.

I am thankful that Virginia Commonwealth University has decided to slow down its expansion once it absorbs Petersburg. That whole “Hampton Roads 2020” plan just seemed greedy.

I am thankful that George W. Bush has decided to start drinking again. He makes a much better funny drunk guy than Leader of the Free World.

I am thankful for the ability to create my own touch-screen sandwiches at Wawa. It may not be hover cars, but it’s a start.

I am thankful that online poker does not have audio or video chat because I don’t need those four guys from Stockholm thinking that I’m a goddamn crybaby.

I am thankful that the James River is not flammable because no one likes their hometown to smell like burnt kayaks.

I am thankful that the I-64 Laburnum exit offers a wide range of panhandling talent including Wheelchair Lady and Juggling Guy. But would it kill them to schedule an animal act?

I am thankful that Krispy Kreme glaze is not a hallucinogen. Because the last thing we need is a city full of fat people thinking they are covered in spiders.

I am thankful that the new Richmond movie theater is almost finished, because it will be nice to finally go see a movie on Boulevard without having to bring a bag of quarters.

I am thankful for my beautiful, lovely wife and lovely, beautiful family and the seamless transitions I can make from sarcasm to sincerity, oftentimes within the same sentence.

I am also thankful for feta cheese.

Happy Thansgiving!