How Barack Obama Will Ruin America

Think a fancy new President will fix everything? Think again.

November 10, 2008; 8:00 AM • by Pete Humes

I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But reports about America “turning the corner” and our country waking to the dawn of “a bold and brilliant new day” have really missed the mark. I cannot deny that history was made with the election of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. But this milestone is not a good thing.

It may seem like a good thing because Oprah cried and Jesse Jackson cried and the Obama girls were promised a new puppy… but trust me, this is not good. In fact, if I may be so bold, I’d like to predict that our long national nightmare has just begun. Thanks to the record breaking efforts of a 52% majority, America has secured itself a first-class, one-way ticket to Total Armageddon.

Even worse? It’s not a direct flight. There are scheduled layovers in Pure Anarchy, Fiery Chaos, Sheer Agony, Bitter Disappointment and Lynchburg.

As you read this, you may be shaking your head in disbelief. That’s completely understandable. After all, the first stage of grief is shock and denial. I figured it wouldn’t be easy for most of you to accept the idea that your velvet-tongued harbinger of Hope and Change is actually a fork-tongued weasel in tailored slacks. But hopefully, once you absorb some of the evidence presented below, you will skip right to stage two: anger and drunken ranting.

According to a very close friend who works in Washington DC, Barack Obama will enact a super secret 5-point plan once he has assumed total control of the United States. My close friend was able to obtain a photocopy of this 5-point plan, which he promptly re-photocopied and transmitted via fax to my home office.

Barack Obama’s 5-Point Plan for Ruining America

1. Solve problems. Rather than launch costly foreign wars and attempt to rewrite the U.S. Constitution, Obama plans to fix things that are broken. His highfalutin’ plans include the economy, national health care, and clean energy. But what Mr. President-Elect fails to understand is that by seriously attacking these problems, he puts the country at risk of solving them all. What happens when all of our problems are solved? I’ll tell you what happens, people get bored. Then they get restless. And then they become cannibals.

2. Get smarter. You’d think the guy was smart enough already, but it seems like he has plans on getting even smarter. He plans to do this “learning” by reading newspapers, security briefs, and probably some heavy books without pictures. Apparently he will also find people who are even smarter than him, ask them questions, and listen to their answers. This kind of behavior will inspire the nation’s idiot population to better themselves. And once you thin the idiot population, there are likely to be much fewer new reality shows on television. Fewer reality shows on TV means more empty time slots for reruns of “CSI: Miami.” More “CSI: Miami” means more David Caruso. And prolonged exposure to David Caruso has been proven to cause infertility in women. What good is book learning when babies become extinct? Think about that.

3. Provide leadership. This one’s a doozy. It seems that Mr. Obama isn’t interested in becoming a cartoon character of ideological catchphrases and buffoonery. He’s genuinely interested in leading our nation with common sense, action, and vision. Great. You know what happens next? He gets us believing we can accomplish anything we put our minds to. And he gets us turning our dreams into reality… which is all innocent fun until little kids start dreaming that they can fly. How is “leadership” going to help when it starts raining 6-year-olds?

4. Mend foreign fences. Obama’s big idea is to substitute diplomacy and negotiation for those sweet-ass, computer-guided missiles. Instead of carpet-bombing civilians, bullying small countries and giving unsolicited, sensual backrubs to foreign heads of state, he wants to work on “being best friends forever” with our global neighbors. That smells like trouble to me. You don’t need to be Dr. Phil to figure out what happens next. There will be a few countries who want to be “more than just friends.” And it will probably be skanks like Belarus or Moldova. We’ll say something that will upset them and then they’ll get all bitter and psychotic. We’ll get a restraining order against them because they keep messing with us at work. Months later we’ll run into them at the United Nations and they will have spread all sorts of vicious lies about us to Russia, China, and Israel. Then when we get upset and raise our voice, Secretary General Ban Ki-moon tells us to sit down… and suddenly we’re the asshole? What a headache!

5. Inspire Americans. I’m most shocked by the idea that Obama plans to inspire us with his sheer awesomeness. I mean, just because you’re cool, intelligent, and more than capable of transforming the nation and the world… does that make it right? You know what happens if the last eight years of shame and disappointment are replaced by pride and honest-to-God patriotism? I’ll tell you what happens. We’ll stop being fat, lazy, and dumb. We’ll stop being selfish, angry, and afraid. And then we become cannibals.

Obviously we have made a tremendous mistake.