Notes on pairing wine with a break-up

Welcome to the exciting world of pairing wine with a break-up. We have all been dissatisfied with break-ups in the past, but perhaps the problem lies in an inability to choose a wine capable of bringing out the stark subtleties and lush character unique to each one. Here are some suggestions to help you remedy this in the future.

September 8, 2009; 12:00 PM • by Christopher Elford

Welcome to the exciting world of pairing wine with a break-up. We have all been dissatisfied with break-ups in the past, but perhaps the problem lies in an inability to choose a wine capable of bringing out the stark subtleties and lush character unique to each one. Here are some suggestions to help you remedy this in the future.

Break-up: The Cheater

Wine: American Chardonnay (any)

What dissolution of a relationship could be more clear and yet more angering than one with a cheater? These argument-oriented break-ups tend to be catty, passionate, and often end in tears, which is why they pair well with any American Chardonnay. The Chardonnay grape is by far the most overrated and easy to access, apparently making them a lot like your partner. They slip into your life, and before you know it, you’re sipping on what you thought would be a delightfully crisp white only to find you have been tricked by a murky cloak of oak chips. Oak chips are the lies of wine–they cover up risky encounters with a paramour by shrouding the product in a false flavor. The benefit of these in a break-up is they tend to be overly fermented, leaving you with a 13.5% beast to numb the pain and herpes you’ve inherited through yet another failed relationship.

Break-up: It’s Just Not Working Out

Wine: Alsace Sauvignon Blanc

Pleasantly aromatic and herbal, the Sauvignon Blanc from the upper Loire Valley is a perfect compliment for what you thought would be a lovely meal. For a normal break-up you’d go to Bennigans–any place with low lighting to hide the teary bags under your eyes–but on this particular occasion it needs to be special. So here you are at Balthazar in SoHo, considering how few wines pair better with a good meal than Sauvignon Blanc. You’ll also want to consider how you’ll need a deep flavor profile from the meal and wine to mull over as your significant other searches for words to describe exactly why they need to break off your relationship. Pleasantly remind your partner that, like the South African Sauvignon Blanc, the pleasant acidity can disappear without warning after a year or two of aging and that it was enjoyable while it lasted. As you walk home with a buzz, remember that there are more bottles on the shelf.

Break-up: The Volcano

Wine: A Non-Bordeaux Cabernet Sauvignon

Dinner had been going so swimmingly, when all of the sudden you realized it. They’ve been complaining about work for 45 minutes straight. It dawns on you: This happens all the time and I’ve never even noticed it! Who do they think you are? A psychiatrist? Their bitch? A supple breast, waiting to feed them tepid milk to stop their cholicy crying? It is time to say, “NO MORE!” And to go with this defiant upheaval, I suggest ordering a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. The V12 of reds, this big black dildo of a wine has just what it takes to soothe and feed your outrage. And just when you’re ready to unload, your Cabernet will remind you that a big ol’ stiff fruit in their face is just what they deserve. And I mean big fruit–black berries, currants, plums. When you’re finished, please keep in mind this wine tends to be quite strong, so you’d better call yourself a cab.

Break-up: I Am Attracted to Many, Many Other People

Wine: German or Alsace Gewurztraminer

When you’ve decided the lights haven’t been turned down low often enough for you, so much that it is probably time to give your relationship the old heave-ho, it is important to retain your self-respect and admit calmly and candidly that you are on to bigger and better things. And when you’ve decided you need bigger grapes, reach for this juicy peach. First and foremost, it pairs well with big spicy sausages and strong fish. Second, no matter the price point, Gewurztraminer boasts a thick mouthfeel, and finishes long and viscous. Bone appetit, baby!

Break-up: Looks like I’m Going to Be Incarcerated

Wine: Bourgogne (Pinot Noir)

Well it’s probably time to break things off–looks like six years of tax evasion have finally caught up with the savvy restauranteur you were dating. Why not one last meal? That little Thai place you went on your first date? Not hardly. The new Spanish fusion spot recently opened up by that celebrity chef? Eat a dick! You’re going to the most expensive place in town. They have a six hundred bottle wine list… How about that Pinot the sommelier had to illegally buy at auction? Sounds good! Finally, a wine you can have with red meat! Dry aged steak, worth more than your ex will be in twenty-four hours, should do the trick. Pinots in Bourgogne are a bitch to grow and maintain, just like relationships. And just like this particular tryst, when the bottle is empty it’s time to move on to another… Pardon me, waiter. Is the owner in?

September 8, 2009 12:00 PM 4