My kid says the darndest things…on Twitter. Read on to check out some of his greatest tweets–and find out why he’s on there in the first place.
Last fall my husband and I dropped our son JR off to spend a few days with my mother so we could head out of town for a friend’s wedding.
On our way over to the church, I called to check in for the evening.
Mom sounded very, very tired when she answered the phone.
“Oh we’re doing great! It’s just…well…does he always talk so much?”
— ∮∮∮ —
JR’s first word was “This?” Except he said it as “DISSSSS?!” in a voice that was hilariously deep for the 10-month-old face out of which it came.
That was really all he had to say for several weeks. Of course there was the occasional “Mama” or “Dada” thrown in there, but mostly it was just ongoing requests for us to explain and label things for him.
However, by the time JR turned two, the soundtrack of my days became much more…lively. It sounded a bit like this–just at full volume on a constant loop from the moment he woke up in the morning until he conked out at around 7:30pm:
Mama. Maaaaaamaaaaaa. MAMA! Go outside? Go outside with doggies? Feed doggies and go outside? See dat car, Mama? Mama, dat car go fast! Mama ride in dah car? JR ride in dah car? Ride in dah car and see Dada? Snack? Snack! MY SNACK! Mama, more snack peeeeeease? Pooh bear? Watch Pooh bear? Jump! MY jump! Mama, wanna paint? PAINT. Paint hands? Paint bwush? Paint yucky. NO! EAT! PAINT! MAAAAAMAAAAAAA!
Sure, it was (and is) exhausting at times—particularly for someone like me who sits squarely (and quietly) in the introverted camp. In fact, there are still periods throughout our day when I impose a minimum five-minute moratorium on any and all speaking so I can preserve my sanity.
But as JR’s gotten older, his growing awareness of the world around him has softened the sensory blow for me when it comes to the inevitable chattiness inherent to a preschooler’s language development. More often than not, the kid is a never-ending fountain of hilarity.
I’ve shared here before that I’m not so great at documenting our son’s life, at least in the traditional sense—on video and the like. And you know how it goes: your child does something insanely cute/funny/weird, and as soon as you pull out the camera he stops and you end up recording two solid minutes of him staring blankly into the lens. So in an effort to record JR’s thoughts and insights for posterity, my husband and I did the only logical thing:
It’s a private account; his followers consist of family, friends, and a few Internet pals we’ve come to know well. For us it’s a quick and easy way to note those little nuggets of preschooler “wisdom” that fly out of JR’s mouth throughout the day. I mean, our phones are perpetually attached to our hands anyway, so we might as well put our addictions to good use. Plus, as an added bonus, this method of documenting the development of his language and personality also lets us makes those who love him privy to the laughs (and occasional “awww” moments) as well.
I’ve taken the liberty of picking out what I consider JR’s greatest tweets. Some are funny, some are sweet, and—before you ask—all are completely, 100 percent authentic JR. As if we could make this stuff up.
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I need five light sabers in case I run out of the ones I have. April 10
Jesus was a baby. He liked to sleep next to cows because he was a baby. Cows smell yucky, like poop. January 10
Heaven is in your heart. June 4
Items are your stuff. May 10
Art & literature
I don’t like books. Wait. Yes I do. January 11
Hey. Science is art. June 16
When you write or read a book that makes your brain healthy, and that’s good. February 17
Lady. Bug. Girl. She’s a lady, a bug, and a girl. April 1
Why don’t you and Dada get timeouts? March 8
God bless America! My Captain American! January 17
Go go, Eagle America! April 4
Caring for others
Don’t, don’t, don’t cut your friends. April 3
Does your back still hurt? That means I have to kill you. April 29
I’ll be right back when I’m done with China. March 23
My teeth are still here! January 31
Guess what. I didn’t even pee in your bed. April 10
I’m sorry I’m frustrating you. March 4
I have so many talks. March 15
I will listen tomorrow. April 4
Science & technology
Do you think a robot skunk would eat a bear? May 22
Have you ever stood on the Moon and looked at lightning? March 2
Do you think that show is on NeckFlips? May 10
When I grow up I’m going to be the boss, like mama. March 10
Big thoughts & big dreams
I will never die. February 29
What does time mean? May 12
When I grow up I’ll still be myself…right? June 12
People are alive. They’re not a lie. I just wanted to tell you that. March 26
Even though I have a little heart, I’m still a super hero. March 7
Calling the kettle black
Wow. You’re super loud. March 1
— ∮∮∮ —
Since setting up JR’s Twitter account, a few people have asked me what we’re going to do once he’s old enough to really grasp what we’re doing with it–if the account will eventually become his to manage on his own. I’ve assured them (as I’ll assure you here) if Twitter is still A Thing once JR is actually able to type tweets on his own, @jrcatrow is all his. If he wants to change the password and fill his stream with selfies and complaints about his lame-ass parents, more power to him. By that point, I figure my husband and I will be well overdue for a little payback in the over-sharing department.