Overscheduled and overworked? Not you, your kid.
Soccer, Cub Scouts, youth group, piano lessons, ballet, swim team, and (oh yeah) school. Kids these days have A LOT going on. Is it too much?
Editor’s note: Today’s feature is the newest installment of our parenting column written by two sets of Richmonders: Jorge and Patience Salgado (veteran parents of four gorgeous children), and Ross and Valerie Catrow (parenting rookies who have only been doing this “raising a child thing” for a few months). Check back fortnightly to watch them discuss/agree/disagree/throw down over all kinds of parenting issues, Richmond-related and beyond.
Today’s question: Are today’s kids overscheduled?
The Salgados
Kid wakes up, eats breakfast, gets ready for school, goes to school, comes homes for a snack and homework, goes to soccer practice, eats dinner, takes a bath, reads books or plays, goes to bed. This is just a Tuesday. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don’t forget the piano lesson, Wednesday night church, and dance which leaves maybe one day free day a week for family. This is the life of the privileged kid in our country. Somewhere along the way we decided this is good for all involved.
I’m wondering what happened to riding bikes, playing in the river, board games, making dinner together, listening to music, making mud pies, eating at the dinner table, swinging until there is no pump left in your tired legs, working on art projects, climbing trees, getting lost in the moment before you and not worried about the next, living life together, side by side.
The soccer mom is held up as the attentive and involved parent giving her children taxi time, Gatorade bottles, and a hopeful future. Yet how many children will receive the ever-elusive college scholarship or become a pro? What purpose does this serve and who really benefits in the end? I fear we unintentionally create a certain disconnect by filling up our days with hustle and bustle. Are we afraid we will have to find a different way to invest in our kids or create space for them to become something different than we imagined?
While everyone should have the opportunity to explore their interests, learn to work together on a team, and have a place to throw loads of bounding energy, maybe we have lost something in our efforts to produce well-rounded adults. Neighborhood tribes of kids ruling the cul-de-sac have vanished, along with our ability to just be with our kids without the booked calendars. Kids no longer know how to play alone for hours on end, taking in the world and drawing their own conclusions. Childhood is a time for exploration, we can leave the programming for the rest of their adult rat race lives.
The Catrows
I grew up in a family of three kids. Both of our parents worked, and we didn’t have a ton of money. Being involved in a lot of activities just wasn’t an option for us. Meanwhile, Ross (an only child in a slightly better-off family) tried team sports for a short time, but ended up going with karate for a while and Scouts even longer. And he fully admits that he only stuck with either because his mother encouraged him to do so.
Looking back, I sort of wish that I had been involved in more activities when I was younger. I deal with sometimes-crippling social anxiety, and I think had my parents gotten me used to being around larger groups of people at a younger age, that might be less of an issue. And with Ross being an only child, he was used to hanging out on his own; as he explains it, it would never have occurred to him to seek out chances to be around other kids had his mother not brought it up.
Taking our experiences into consideration, we’re of the opinion that when it comes to putting kids into activities, you need to be doing it for the right reasons. If it’s an activity that will nurture an existing strength or positively address a weakness, go for it. If you’re considering it just because it will eat up some time or because it’s “what’s expected,” you should step back and think about it.
I say this because a lot of parents seem to be operating under the assumption that if their kid is in the most activities, if they are the most involved, then that family “wins” somehow. I also think there’s now a certain badge of honor in our society that comes from being The Busiest Of Them All. Busy equals “important,” I guess.
Don’t get me wrong. I think structured activities are good and being around other kids is valuable – children will face set expectations and the challenges of interpersonal relationships more and more as they get older. But having every moment of their lives planned leaves them little time to figure out things on their own and make their own choices. They’re going to have to face that as they get older, too.
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Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
It’s nice sometimes being a little cash-strapped because you can’t afford to pay for all of those lessons, extra classes, and sports. :) I want my boys to do what I did growing up…make the woods in my neighborhood into my own little kingdom. Someday I’ll take them to where I used to roam so they get the idea.
I always hesitate to comment on this column because I don’t want to be one of those people who doesn’t have kids and seems to think she knows everything about raising them.
That being said, I think you guys are one the right track here. And people shouldn’t necessarily feel guilty if things ARE really busy sometimes, but they should always be aware of the importance of exploring or just hanging out.
The ability to amuse myself is perhaps the greatest gift my mother ever gave me. As a kid she would send me outside and not expect to see me again until dinner, and I would spend that time finding all sorts of ways to have fun. To this day I don’t think I’ve ever uttered the phrase “I’m bored” (outside of the workplace anyway).
When it was time to play sports, Mom came into my room with a few different forms. She said I could pick one sport to try, whichever one I wanted. I picked softball and devoted myself to that hobby and only a couple of others, and I never felt underprivileged for not getting music lessons or whatever.
Now look at me! Dabbling in everything! At least my childhood was peaceful.
In paragraph two I meant “on the right track,” duh.
The most challenging time for us is when the 6yr old and the 8yr old are not on the same sport team. Then we have 1 parent/child going to this and the other parent/child going to the other. It’s frustrating when we can’t be at the same game at the same time. It’s just something we have to get used to.
I wouldn’t say we are overscheduled. I imagine that will change as they get older and want to be involved in more things.
Aw, aren’t you guys cute! After raising mine to adulthood, I can safely say the only great parenting advice was from my mother: “I knew everything about raising kids…until I had some.” Learn as you go and don’t forget to enjoy the journey :)
I’ve stuck with the one-activity plan so far and that has felt pretty good. My 8-yr-old does gymnastics during the school year and tried swim team this summer ( grueling! every night! but: new friends, sportsmanship). Sometimes we add a short-term “enrichment” offering at school. This fall the challenge was finding a day that both the 8-yr-old and the 4-yr old could do gymnastics, and I’m not thrilled that it’s midday Saturday, but them’s the breaks. If it doesn’t feel good, we’ll switch it up after this session.
A friend who’s raised remarkable 25-yr-olds advises that she waited until her girls had asked for something for a whole year before signing them up. Their passion was real: they are actors in NY & Chicago now (with day jobs).
I’ll weight in and support all the statements above. I agree, discipline and social activites are healthy for children, as they teach valuable skills. Likewise, so is “nothing” time. It is in the moments left to create my own reality, my own experience of life that proved most valuable for me as an adult. We must be accountable, protective of our own lives. We cannot dismiss or transfer the responsibility for creating our own happiness… our personal bliss, off onto the world around us. To do so, will reult in constant disppointment… to only support a victim mentality. To be part of it, as well as to be an integral co-creator… the balance both scheduled as well as “nothing” time… is a very valuable life-lesson. One best learned earlier, rather than later, along our path.
um, that would be “weigh” not “weight”. Oops.