Off the Clock with The Checkout Girl: Crappily/happily ever after

It seems that you can’t open a newspaper (LOLJK, like I really read a newspaper — I mean open the INTERNETS) these days without reading about another celebrity couple going from an ours back to a yours and mine.

It seems that you can’t open a newspaper (LOLJK, like I really read a newspaper — I mean open the INTERNETS) these days without reading about another celebrity couple going from an ours back to a yours and mine. Sure, there are the scandalous ones; who isn’t sick of hearing about Tiger Woods’s porn star mistresses and Jesse James’s tattooed neo-Nazi nightmare? Apparently fed up with all of the attention NOT being paid to him lately, Tiki Barber has just come clean about his extramarital relationship with a 23-year-old intern (Why is it ALWAYS the interns?) and the fact that he is leaving his wife Ginny, who is eight months pregnant with their twins. And former Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards’s affair is the gift that keeps on giving. His other woman was just photographed en repose in various states of sexy, one of those photos creepily featuring the child she had with Edwards. And a navel that was custom made by god for body shots. Now she’s announced she will be gracing Oprah’s jumpin’ couch next month for an “exclusive interview.” Friends, unless you live under a rock (And, really, where would you plug in your fancy new iPad to read this brilliant piece?), you have been inundated with seventh commandment breaking and adultery madness at every turn.

But it’s not just the dirty boys and good girls who are on the outs. Even without the obvious indiscretions, when it comes to the famous, love is a battlefield. The wacky pair of Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are now each sitting on a whoopee cushion for one. In a personal dream come true, they actually announced their break up on Twitter. It’s like they knew I would need that to accept the reality of what was happening. The only thing that would ease the pain even more would be the leak of a sex tape. Where Jenny doesn’t speak, of course.

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon (aka the two most adorable white people in the universe) split up just before the holidays in a way that was, by all accounts, completely “amicable.” Of course. How else would they do it? I’m certain there were Hallmark cards involved in THAT facebook status change. And Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, by far my favorite and arguably the sexiest celebrity couple, have gone their separate ways after 23 years. Was it because they never married? Perhaps one of them broached Obama’s sleepy approval ratings at the dinner table? Either way, major disappointment.

But, before you throw in the tastefully embroidered his and her towels made from 100% Egyptian cotton on ever finding your soul mate, know that the fame game is full of love successes, too. The beautiful Rita Wilson took Tom Hanks to have and to hold, though he was rocking that Bosom Buddies fro, a whole Hollywood lifetime of twenty-two years ago. They manage to work together without killing each other so either it’s the real deal or they are robots. Either way, they are an inspiration. At least until someone short circuits.

I’m also a big fan of the team of Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick. They may have lost a lot of money in the infamous Bernie Madoff debacle, but they still have two Golden Globes, an Academy Award nom, and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame between them. Oh and two children who I am certain must be ridiculously good looking. Twenty-two years together and I like to imagine that the sex is still six degrees of hot.

John Travolta and Kelly Preston might have tons of plastic surgery and a crazy space religion to contend with, but they’ve weathered the loss of a child and come through a stronger couple. Nineteen years (which is roughly the equivalent of two thousand years in Scientology, look it up.) later, they seem to be solid.

Speaking of the surgically improved, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are probably the front runners to win both the “Cutest Couple” and “Best Friends” categories in the Hollywood yearbook. After twenty-seven years, they haven’t married and likely never will. She’s stated that having a boyfriend is way more romantic and exciting than having a husband and, at this point, I’d say they’ve worked out any kind of trust issues. But she didn’t talk him out of Big Trouble in Little China so, you know, he might want to keep an eye on her.

So, the next time that TMZ is sadding you out with news of yet another Gloria Allred-represented, scarlet-lettered, well-paid victim of one of the sex rehab-loving tomcats whose names are whispered around everybody’s watercooler, remember that just because they are famous doesn’t mean they can’t keep it in their trousers. Or at least use discretion. And poison, probably. Because sometimes “happily ever after” is just a tampered can of sugar-free Red Bull away.

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The Checkout Girl

The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.

Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.

  1. Whaaaat on said:

    “Big Trouble in Little China is Kurt Russell’s best role of all time” is what I think you meant to say.

  2. If you think Madoff ran a huge scam, Amway has ripped off millions of people for several decades, to the tune of 10s of billions of dollars.

    Amway is a scam, and here’s why: Amway pays out as little money as they can get away with, so they support the higher level IBOs ripping off their downline via the tool scam.

    As a result, about 99% of IBOs operate at a net loss, while the top 1% make several TIMES more from their Amway tool scam than from the Amway products. This was made illegal in the UK in 2008, but our FTC is unable to pull their heads out of their butts to stop it here.

    Read about it on this website: and forward the information to everyone you know, so they don’t get scammed.

  3. Psst, Tex: Your soapbox called. It’s running off to Tijuana with a 19 year-old bullhorn.

  4. I’m actually really sad about my future relationship potential now. Clearly no one is meant to be coupled for the rest of their life. I will die alone! :(

  5. ya know i love you checkout girl, but kelly preston is clearly the beard in that relationship. it’s an “arranged marriage” for career prosperity just like tom and nicole or tom and katie. not that i agree with that being at all necessary.

    ps: george clooney – also gay and in search of a devoted beard.

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