Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: 16+16+16 candles
If there is one thing I learned from the 2010 Academy Awards, it’s this: My generation is falling apart. What the hell, Brat Pack? Why so crinkly, mumbly, saggy, and lame? Does desperate narcissism really take that much of a toll on a body?
If there is one thing I learned from the 2010 Academy Awards, it’s this: My generation is falling apart. What the hell, Brat Pack? Why so crinkly, mumbly, saggy, and lame? Does desperate narcissism really take that much of a toll on a body? Or perhaps it’s just being hopped up on cocaine (that’s right, I said it) while shooting scenes about prom, but never having a normal enough life to attend your own. It was as if the zombie apocalypse were starting with teen stars of the 1980s.
As I watched the lovely John Hughes tribute, chock full of those he launched to stardom, I couldn’t stop my brain from asking “Which will be the first to die tragically?” Though, at this point, I wonder if we’re getting old enough that it won’t be tragic to anyone younger than ourselves. After all, when Andrew Koenig recently (and heart-breakingly) chose the Highway to Heaven, I had to explain to my daughter what Growing Pains was. The light bulb only appeared over her head after she asked “Kirk Cameron? Is he related to DJ from Full House?” Because, you know, Full House is timeless.
Anyway.
You know who I guessed? Judd Nelson. You know who everybody in the world guessed? Judd Nelson. That guy looks like he’s been actually living as John Bender, his character from The Breakfast Club, for the last 25 years. Baby, those Transitions lenses (also seen, dishearteningly, on Robert Downey Jr.) couldn’t hide the road map of wrinkles that leads to blood-shot, watery, tired eyes. Also, I’m pretty sure your teeth aren’t real so, um, yeah. Cry not for Judd, though — he’s gone from teen heartthrob to a cartoonbot in Transformers Animated and, truthfully, he makes much more money than you or I. And he can show up to work in his pajamas. Dick.
Speaking of, um, unusual, why so surprised, Molly Ringwald? No, really, Google her. Every current picture makes her look as if she’s seen the ghost of Andrew McCarthy’s career (you guys! Mannequin!!). It’s hard to hate on this girl, though. After all, she WAS us. Whether a perky preteen in Facts of Life, an awkward teen in 16 Candles and Pretty In Pink, the girl who made a few missteps including turning down the leads in Pretty Woman and Ghost, or the mom trying to figure out what to do with an out-of-hand daughter in The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I think all women can relate to her on some level. I’m just disappointed that she chose to get a little help… which looks like it went a wee bit sideways, rather than just aging normally. You know, like the rest of us.
And how disconcertingly different does Anthony Michael Hall look? Instead of the geek that we got used to, he’s been transformed into the stereotypical bully-looking guy that would have kicked that guy’s ass in an 80s movie. He’s Biff from Back to the Future, when he used to be Marty McFly! In an effort to save you some time and a motherfrigging brain explosion, I ventured to AnthonyMichaelHall.net. Please, for the love of Jake Ryan, DON’T DO IT. From the front page pic of him looking eerily like a bad Vanilla Ice impersonator to his merchandise page (that’s right, AMH merch, people!) it’s an Internet tribute to disappointment and the need to remain relevant. Still, he’s a behind-the-scenes bigwig (okay, mediumwig) in television and he did a made-for-TV movie with Tony Danza. Plus, he earned geek cred by playing Bill Gates pretty brilliantly, so he gets plenty of bit parts where you see just enough of him to say “Did I go to high school with that guy?” The answer is yes. We all did.
Also on hand for the tribute were Ally Sheedy (forever the first girl I, confusingly to a 14-year-old, developed a crush on), Macaulay Culkin (you gotta admire the sticktoitiveness of a guy who’s spent fifteen years trying to distance himself from Home Alone and Richie Rich but still ended up with Mila Kunis and as godfather to Michael Jackson’s children and, well, I didn’t), Matthew Broderick (let’s not forget he killed two Irish ladies before he got his poop in a group), and Jon Cryer (with whom I’d love nothing more than to sit down and dish about Charlie Sheen and his 9/11 conspiracy theories, crazy Denise Richards, and currently cracktastic domestic adventures with Brooke Mueller. Call me, Jon!).
I guess the biggest takeaway from this monumentally radical moment in television history is this: as much as I look in the mirror every day and don’t notice the tiny changes, seeing these people I considered friends in the 1980s after all of these years makes me realize I am getting old. And that kind of sucks. But at least I don’t have Molly Ringwald’s surgeon.
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The Checkout Girl
The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.
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Great article! I could not believe my eyes when I saw Judd Nelson on the Oscars. I almost cried! He looks so awful. And so funny about Anthony Michael Hall – he DOES look like Biff! hahahah
Okay, just checked out anthonymichaelhallnet. YIKES! What’s with the scary dragon logo in the background and the one perpetually raised eyebrow?
I thought I was the only one watching the Academy Awards laughing when Matthew Broderick said “Because of John, I still hear, ‘Hey Ferris – is this your day off?”
…all I could think was, “Hey, there’s the guy who killed two people and got off clean because he’s a celebrity.” In fact, that’s all I ever see anymore. Ditto for Ted Kennedy. (“Lion of the Senate?” No. Drunken vehicular manslaughter, covered by police evasion, lawyer tricks and family influence? Yes.)
where in the world was the director Emilio Estevez
Did you not watch The Dead Zone (a USA??) show with AMHall? I loved that show. I was shocked then to see what he looked like, but at least now I’m not surprised, though you are right, he does look like Biff. But I don’t think we can bemoan a guy for getting buff.
I watched St. Elmo’s fire again the other day and am glad that 2 of my favorites, Demi Moore and Rob Lowe, look better now than ever. (Sam from West Wing, holla!)
OMG, Bender…break me off a piece of that.
I haven’t looked at the revamped Ringwald. It’s too early in the day for that.
Broderick whaaaat? WOW.
Also? When MJ took the dirt nap I had to explain to my kids who he was, and I was all “he sang and danced and um, people really liked him” (because eight and below is too young for things like “the self-loathing his father’s regular beatings instilled caused him to have a bajillion surgeries and also change his race and almost his sex, except he allegedly knocked up this woman who sold him her babies, or maybe they were donor egg pregnancies, but anyway he almost definitely was a child molester and do y’all know who ELVIS was?”) and they were like “uhhh…?”
Also? <3 Ally Sheedy! But more BEFORE she took all that black shit off.
Yes, yes to all this. I’m just sad that they didn’t pry Michael Schoeffling out of retirement because I am 100% certain that he’s still f’ing crazy hot.
(PS. what does it say about me that I spelled his last name correctly without even having to think about it?)
Judd who?
when you grow up your heart dies.
Ooh…Michael Schoeffling ….yumminess! Jon Hamm (of Mad Men) totally reminds me of the 38 year old version of Michael Schoeffling, who will always be the 18 year old Jake Ryan in my heart. I heard that he’s like a carpenter in rural PA now and I just know he’s still smoking hot. He’s ruined me for many guys.
You know, Ally Sheedy has been playing a bad girl in the past two seasons of PSYCH (the most AWESOME tv show ever created). Her character is Mr. Yin. Or maybe it’s Mr. Yang. You just have to watch two part season finale for 2009 and seasone finale of 2010. holla!
http://www.comedycentral.co.uk/daily-fix/where-are-they-now/the-breakfast-club
Here is an interesting link that shows the cast of the Breakfast Club then and now.
Ally Sheedy, and Anthony Michael Hall look fantastic… if that’s the only barometer being used to grade the now forty-somethings. Emelio Estevez looks like a younger Martin Sheen. No doubt who his daddy is in real life. Emelio appears to be a better man compared to his boozing, misogynistic brother Charlie.
My favorite characters on TBC were Ally and Emelio. I was a jockette in high school. I could identify with a jock’s pressure to perform and Ally’s angst of being an outcast. Those at my school who weren’t a cheerleader, jock, or extremely good-looking, and/or rich, were usually discounted. Much like today. Except we didn’t have massive school shootings, electronic bullying, email pic swapping. Kids have it tougher today.