Hipster or Hobo: A Richmonder’s Guide to Questionable Fashion

Man 1: Can I bum a smoke? Man 2: Ugh, get away from me. Man 1: I’ll give you a buck. Man 2: My apologies, I thought you were homeless.

Man 1: Can I bum a smoke?

Man 2: Ugh, get away from me.

Man 1: I’ll give you a buck.

Man 2: My apologies, I thought you were homeless. Yes of course, what’s mine is yours.

Man 1: Why would you think that?

Man 2: Well, it’s just… I’ll be honest with you. It’s the suede vest.

Man 1: I see.

Man 2: And the neon hat.. and a little bit the tank top too.

Man 1: Alright, you’ve criticized my entire wardrobe, but these jeans are rather nice, don’t you think?

Man 2: Look, I’m going to do you a favor. The only way to learn the ropes, to win in the dicey game we call Hipster or Hobo, is to learn the ground rules.

Man 1: Well I’m all ears.

Man 2: (Singing)
We’ve all got a choice to make
Between what’s right and wrong,
Fashion and ethics don’t equate
Unless you learn this song!

Socks and sandals are a no,
Unless you’re selling crack.
Zubaz pants can rarely go
With anything but drinking Jack.

Sport coat, fanny pack, cut-off shorts?
For some reason this all works.
But only if you’re the quite hip sort
Who hangs around with complete jerks.

Man 1: (Cautiously singing his misgivings)
But what if I went to Virginia Tech,
And like to wear the hat?
Does school spirit pass your fashion check,
Or should I take it back?

Man 2:
Now listen here, you’ve missed the point!
It’s not about where you actually went!
School spirit is fine (if you still pine for the joint,)
But an ironic Yale shirt would be money well spent!

Take for example this woman:
She’s got an ample bosom.
But ‘Don’t Mess With Texas’?
–A novelty shirt?
And coupled with that denim skirt?
I’d rather be eaten and ripped a’pirt,
Than be seen with this big’un all covered in dirt!

Man 1:
So pay extra money,
and skimp on the rent?
Buy a deep vee,
and look like a gent?
Forget about sports,
Start smoking instead?
Put on my Clarks
and they’ll all pitch a tent?

Man 2:
Correctamundo, my newest of friends!
I knew that you’d get it in the end!
Ignore the strange looks that you get in the daytime,
Cause after sunset, you’ll have a real gay time!

(The two men flick their cigarettes and part ways.)

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Christopher Elford

Christopher Elford is a Canadian-born waiter, writer, and comedian who enjoys playing a game called “Drink When You’re Unhappy.” He lives in Richmond, Virginia with his two cats and would love to do stand-up at your next garden or office party.

Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.

  1. Excellent. That, my friend, was hilarious. I’ve even made up the tune to the song in my head.

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