GWAR, Me, and the Onrushing Grip of Death: Part 12

I am using this very column as an opportunity to promote my band! And so what? I am also going to take this opportunity to promote my drawings and paintings…and my custom snow boards. Oh, you didn’t know that in addition to being Oderus (and a great big galoot), I am also an artist of considerable merit.

October 23, 2009; 12:13 PM • by Dave Brockie

GWAR is crowned “King of the Press Release” by Pollstar Magazine!

Sez Pollstar, the paper that we as artists more vehemently desire to be in that any other…

“We see a lot of press releases here at the ol’ Pollstar.com ranch, but if we were to give out an award honoring the best press announcement today, we’d probably hand it over to Gwar for the band’s “Meat & Beat” proclamation.”

“You gotta love a press release that promises “Fans will then have an opportunity to ‘Meat’ the band, and be ‘Beaten’ by them.”

“What the hell are they talking about? Simply put, it’s a chance to meet the band. Gwar says the special privilege will be offered to “certain specially selected (selected by them paying) Gwar fans. The band also offers a kind of tongue-in-cheek quote for press flaks like us to use.

Brockie at this years “Bamboozled” fest…but which one is his true face? Especially when we can’t see his butt?

“This is actually an opportunity for GWAR to take the time to personally express all of our appreciation to our loyal fans who have kept us rocking for 25 years,” said band member Oderus Urungus. “And then beat off all over them.”

The “Meat & Beats” won’t happen at every Gwar show. Furthermore, we’re not even sure how much these special moments will cost. All Gwar is saying is to visit the merch booth on the night of the show to get your own “meat-up” with the band.”

The Gwar “Meat & Beat” venues are as follows:

Oct. 31 at the Palladium in Worcester, Mass.
Nov. 2 at the Sound Academy in Toronto.
Nov. 14 at Marquee City in Tempe, Ariz.
Nov. 16 at House of Blues in W. Hollywood.
Nov. 24 at the Regency Center in San Francisco.
Nov. 28 at The Knitting Factory in Spokane.
Nov. 29 at the King Cat Theatre in Seattle.
Nov. 30 at the Commodore Ballroom in Vancouver.
Dec. 2 at the Edmonton Events Center in Edmonton.
Dec. 3 at the MacEwan Hall Ballroom in Calgary.
Dec. 7 at House of Blues in Chicago.
Dec. 10 at 9:30 Club in Washington, D.C.
Dec. 12 at the Electric Factory in Philadelphia.

Isn’t that sad? I am using this very column as an opportunity to promote my band! And so what? I am also going to take this opportunity to promote my drawings and paintings…and my custom snow boards. Oh, you didn’t know that in addition to being Oderus (and a great big galoot), I am also an artist of considerable merit. Or at least of considerable squiggles and confusion. I do custom paintings and sculptures, cast Oderus heads and hands, and much, much more! In fact I have just started, along with Sined Snowboards, a line of my own custom designed snowboards. They are fucking cool! So make sure you keep up with all of my latest projects (as well as GWAR) at oderus.com. Or maybe try friending me on Facebook! There is a pretty good chance I will friend you, like I do to everybody. Just don’t expect me to join you in little internet games, however you might enjoy them. I am sure I would too (except that stupid farming game), but I simply do not have the time to waste, what with ANOTHER episode of this story due before I knew it!

Getting the Hell Out of Dodge

It was over, and I hadn’t even had a successful blow-job. In fact that was one of my greatest humiliations. About a day or two after I got laid for the first time, I noticed a horrible itch in my crotch… can you imagine the horror of getting pubic lice without even knowing what they were? So anyway my Mom told me to shave my pubes and I would be fine. Bullshit! You don’t have to shave your pubes, you just have to use that RID stuff. Well, I got rid of the crabs, but was left with a bald “area”, right before my big date with Mary-Lou Rotten Crotch! I bet she was really wondering what the hell was wrong with me…but that’s ok, so was I!

My final summer of high school was over, my brother had moved to Georgia, my Dad had moved out, and I had been accepted to Longwood College in Farmville Va. Don’t ask me why! It was the only place I applied to… I think because it was the only place that sent me anything. I was over D.C. and Fairfax, and the feeling was vice-versa. I was pretty sure Ian Makaye and his crew of bald morons were probably going to kill me at some point, and Scream had added some hippie guitarist that looked like he belonged in a Led Zeppelin cover band. It was time to get the hell out of Dodge.

So I packed up and found myself in a dorm room, surrounded by bright-eyed and bushy-tailed college students, flush with book money and fake ID’s. Actually, I think you could buy beer at the age of 18 back then…jeez, between that and the smoking lounge sometimes I did feel like I grew up in the sixties.
Told ya this was going to be the shortest one yet! What can I say, it’s hard to keep these things going when you are on tour. But I will be back in two weeks with the full and shocking story of the most wasteful year of my life…my first year of college!

(Confused? Get caught up with Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 11.)

Dave Brockie is the voice behind Oderus Urungus, bellicose lead singer of GWAR, Richmond’s most lethal export next to tobacco. Check out his website at www.oderus.com and keep up with GWAR at www.gwar.net