Unsubstantiated rumors a Fake Richmonder has heard about the Big Bike Race™

If someone said it on the Internet, it’s gotta be true.

September 16, 2015; 3:00 PM • by Fake Richmonder

Someone told me that if you’re caught driving a car or using any other form of transportation, your license will be suspended until further notice.

This guy down the block rented out his new recycling cart on Airbnb for, like, 1200 bucks.

Do the math: The city only has enough air to support 300,000 people at the same time. For the duration of the race, we’ll all have to stand very still or at least move super slowly to conserve oxygen.

I read that each race starts at one of the city’s bike-themed murals, through which the cyclists will burst, like much skinnier, spandex-clad Kool-Aid Men.

Even though it’s technically illegal to rent out your home on Airbnb, the City’s technology consists only of a handful of Bic pens and a spiral notebook, so you’ll most likely fly under the radar.

I definitely read somewhere that 450,000 unique human beings are coming to Richmond.

I heard it’ll be bigger than the Olympics.

I heard it’ll be bigger than two Olympicses.

I heard it’ll be bigger than two Olympicses plus three Folk Festivals plus a Monument 10k plus Coldplay.

I have a cousin who has a friend from Europe, and she said that when you greet a European, it’s considered polite to offer them an ear of corn. If you’re offered a blanket in return, do not accept.

Every European is 40% deaf due to a combination of unpasteurized cheese and house music. That’s why you can only communicate with them by shouting very slowly. Think about it.

If the race goes by your house, my neighbor said, you’re legally obligated to give shelter to international spectators, which violates our Third Amendment rights.

I also heard that City Hall will be playing Jock Jams, Vol. 2 and Jock Jams: All-Stars on repeat during the last weekend. Apparently, D’Angelo donated the CDs from his personal collection.

After the race is over, the mayor is going to change the name of J.E.B. Stuart Elementary to B.I. Cycle Elementary. That’s what my friend from high school said on Facebook, anyway.