Raising Richmond: Parenting confessions
Sometimes we forget that parents are also people, each with their own hang-ups, quirks, and big, stinking flaws. We’re sharing ours with you. Feel free to air your dirty laundry as well…
Editor’s note: Today’s feature is the newest installment of our parenting column written by two sets of Richmonders: Jorge and Patience Salgado (veteran parents of four gorgeous children), and Ross and Valerie Catrow (parenting rookies who have only been doing this “raising a child thing” for a little while). Check back fortnightly to watch them discuss/agree/disagree/throw down over all kinds of parenting issues, Richmond-related and beyond.
Today’s question: What are your top five parenting confessions?
These are coming from the mamas. We hope the dads will weigh-in as well.
Patience Salgado
1. Using the “S-word” and other four letter gems.
When I was growing up the “s-word” was shut up, not the true expletive that rhymes with mitt. My mother is much more dignified than I am, I guess. I must admit I am finally more aware of my sailor status now that the kids are older and after about 1,000 Judgey Joanna looks from Jorge.
2. Bedtime, what’s bedtime?
For years, years people, bedtime barely existed in our house. Jorge worked long hours so we spent much of our family time with the night owls. It was a good thing our preschool was very laid back and didn’t mind if we strolled in at 10am. I used feel like I was living in some kind of toddler frat house. It was awesome.
3. I’m a candy stealer.
I love to steal Halloween and goodie bag candy from my children. I don’t even mind that it isn’t dark chocolate; I’ll eat the Nerds, too. What can I say? I love candy. I would have been one of those greedy kids in Willy Wonka I’m sure.
4. I hate homework.
I have a really hard time getting all into school. Before all the teachers start throwing apples at me, I completely value their contribution and I absolutely do my part. Well, usually. I just have a hard time drumming up the intensity for projects, grades and the like. I want to know they are being kind, working together and get an A+++ super star in people skills I guess.
5. We ignore them.
Jorge and I were accused by our children of spending too much time together. “You guys are ALWAYS alone, talking and stuff, being together, blah, blah, blah…” Josiah said. Granted, all of us are in the same room 90% of the time, and I would challenge that we have a significant amount of real family interactions. This being said, I know what he meant, we have been known to ignore them in order to be friends. This parenting confession is quite alright with me, if we do it right, he’ll be “ignoring” his kids one day too.
Valerie Catrow
1. I hide in the bathroom. A lot.
Not when I’m taking care of my son alone – in that situation he usually just toddles right on in with me. But when my husband and I are both home, I probably visit the facilities a little more than I actually need to. Here’s why: when I realize I need a break, I need it right then, or else I get frustrated and just kind of mean. When you say to someone, “I need to go to the bathroom,” it’s not like they’re going to argue with you or suggest that you take your child along. It’s brilliant! And I fully realize that I’ve sabotaged myself by even admitting this (The things I do for this website).
2. I compare myself to other mothers.
I’m always looking at other mothers to see if their diaper bags are neater than mine, if their children are cleaner, if they are just more put together than I am in general (which they usually are). Why do I do this? I have no clue. I would be mortified if someone were doing the same to me.
3. I laugh at him when he cries.
I am 100% convinced that this a biological reaction engineered by Mother Nature to keep mothers from abandoning their screaming, squawking children. When JR squeezes out those big, fat tears while wailing over some toddler-perceived catastrophe (like not being allowed to consume a roll of toilet paper — never over an injury or anything serious) I usually laugh in his face. It’s HILARIOUS. Most of the time.
4. Germs? Meh.
Sure, we wash our hands, but I don’t really care about germs. I tried really hard to care, but I just don’t. I’m not going to freak out if he shares a little drool with another kid or has a quick makeout sesh with the table at Joe’s Inn. He’s a kid! Kids are gross and dirty. And I’ll have you know that he’s had maybe two colds in his life; all of that exposure has created an immune system of steel. (But before you bring out your pitchforks, I am diligent about cleaning up any aftermath he leaves, as I realize other people might not share my “It’s fiiiiiiine” mentality.)
5. Having another child terrifies me.
It’s not because my son is bad or challenging. Quite the opposite, actually. He’s a great eater, he started sleeping through the night at around six weeks old, and he’s a generally happy and fun little guy. We lucked out and I sometimes feel like we’d be tempting fate to have another go. Not only that, I’m floored by my love for this kid on a daily basis. I fear I would be rendered paralyzed if that love were multiplied by two.
Now it’s your turn
We know you’re not perfect. Spill it…
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Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
Haha…great lists ladies. Valerie, I could have written yours. I spend A LOT of time in the bathroom too…sometimes just sitting on the toilet seat top doing nothing. And there are many times where we’d have to leave the room during a tantrum because we were close to cracking up.
I’d have to say mine are:
1. I let my child jump on the bed. And on the sofa. And the chairs. And on the mini-trampoline we have set up in our den. Pretty much everywhere. What can I say? She has a lot of energy and, trust me, at bedtime you want her to have as little energy as possible.
2. I don’t spend that much time researching things like preschools and pediatricians. I know most moms make searching for the perfect school or doctor a part-time job. They read books on the best preschool programs, make dozens of pediatric interview appointments, compare notes with other moms on the best teachers. I just visited one preschool and I felt comfortable there. I liked the teachers and the set-up and that was it. Same w/ her doctor. Easy peasy.
3. We get dinner from McDonalds or Chick-Fil-A more often than I would like to admit.
4. I let her play with Barbies and princesses and I read her fairy tales that involve princes saving the day. The feminist in me is mortified. Because I often tell her stories at bedtime instead of reading them, sometimes I try to change up the story so that the princess saves the prince. Sometimes the princess ditches the prince altogether, gets her own place and goes out to meet her girlfriends for brunch.
5. With both of my children I never waited until they were a certain age to try foods. You know how some people don’t give their kids peanut butter until they’re, like, ten. Nope…not me. With the exception of honey, my kids were eating eggs, shellfish, strawberries, sushi and everything else under the sun before the age of 10 months. I did have Benedryl handy, just in case. (Disclaimer: no food allergies in our family)
Also, Valerie, I had the same exact fear before getting pregnant with my son. My daughter was 3 1/2 and the love of my life. I was 100% convinced I could never love another child like her. How could I get pregnant knowing that my 2nd child would always be second fiddle? But I did have another one and I was stunned to learn that your heart adapts and makes room. I love my son just as intensely as my daughter. It’s amazing. Do it…have another!!!
Melanie, totally the same with #5 (with our doctor’s blessing). We have no food allergies in our family as well, so he’s had a good sampling. No shellfish yet, though. I’m terrified of that for some reason.
My kids would probably complain about the following:
1. I’m CRAZY bedtime Dad. 8:30 everyone in the bed. You should have recorded that movie so you can watch it tomorrow.
2. If I finish dinner and cleanup dinner before you get done eating. KITCHEN is CLOSED. no dessert.
3. No food or drink anywhere but the kitchen.
Good one. It’s always comforting to hear about other parental imperfections!
So here are some of mine…
1. I used to attribute heinous kid behavior to poor parenting – This was before God blessed me with a Challenge Kid to show me the error of my judgmental ways. Yep, that’s my pipsqueak running amok.
And in a closely related #2. I resent people with easy kids (Looking at you Valerie ;)
3. I’m safety unconscious – Not all our outlets are covered, not all our curtain cords tied up, and ::gasp:: his bookshelf isn’t bolted to the wall. He also sometimes climbs the stairs without supervision.
4. I still feed my 2 year old jarred baby food from time to time because I can’t get him to eat vegetables.
5. He has wardrobes in the next 3 sizes (all bargains but still, a little out of control)
Guys, who washes their hands anymore? WHAT’S UP LAST MILLENNIUM!
I think any of my confessions would make my wife turn on me, soooooo …
See Val, I actually do read the site!
A big fat DITTO to all of yours except the bedtime one (would result in horribly cranky kids and parents here), except I don’t see them as confessions, I think they’re totally normal!!
Not much to hide here. I think my only “confession” is a little dark – I look calm on the outside but struggle mightily with dealing with rage when it comes to my kids. Totally my childhood baggage and I’m committed to dealing with it, but oh, some days it’s really hard not to cause harm!
…and something lighter: I totally put soda in mug so that the kids think I’m drinking tea and don’t bug me for some.
Ha, Alison, I’m well aware that we lucked out. Oh and we’re also way behind on the baby-proofing.
Jess, the soda in the mug thing is genius. I will remember it for later.
Jess, I totally do that too! I don’t want my kids picking up my horrible soda habits.
One time when I put my 12-13 month old son, Jasper, into the baby seat on the back of the bicycle, something went horribly wrong and I’ve never told my wife (she reads this feature and her eyes are probably bugging out as she read these words). I’d only taken Jasper out on the bike a couple times and the bike seat was from a yard sale without a manual, so he and I were still working through some of the kinks. Nonetheless, he had a helmet on and I’m a hyper-aware bike rider, so I figured nothing significant would happen to him while on our biking adventures.
We got about a half of a mile away from the house (right in front of the new Lamplighter coffee shop, actually) when I heard this awful sound behind me. It was like something big was dragging on the ground behind my bike and pedaling became difficult. Of course, I flew into a panic, stopped, and looked behind me. And there was Jasper, sitting in his seat, wearing his helmet, but he was reclined at a 90 degree angle, totally parallel to the ground instead of upright. His face wore a look of shock. Like “what the fuck just happened?” That noise was the sound of the bike seat resting on top of the bike’s back wheel as it was turning.
After plucking Jasper from the seat and nearly hugging him to death, I figured out that a wing nut had fallen off and the bolt just popped out from the vibrations of the ride, disconnecting the baby-seat from where it attaches on the seatpost (luckily, there were two other bolts still attached on the chainstays). I felt so guilty and humiliated about having nearly dragged my baby behind my bicycle. Somehow, I managed to carry him all the way home with one arm while also pushing my bike with the other. By the time we got home, he was asleep in my arms. I felt like an emotional basketcase, but putting him down for his nap set my mind at ease a bit.
I fixed the seat and now check it every time we go out. Bike rides continue to be favorite activity together, even though there’s that horrific experience that lingers with me and keeps me extra cautious.
We give our 9 year old son $5 each week if he does his chores without fussing. He is sometimes careless with his money and leaves it on the floor (the dog ate his $5 bill one time) or in his pants pocket (gets shredded in the washing machine). A couple of times my husband and I have picked up his $5 bill from the floor and put it back in our wallet to recycle the following week. Only once has he asked what happened to the $5 bill he left on the kitchen floor. We told him the dog ate it, even though it was in my wallet. After a few weeks of losing his money, he now keeps his allowance in his sock drawer. Lesson learned!
Oh Jason, I promise you every parent has or will have a story like that! I have several actually…the four of us will have to trade them over those crazy amazing cream puffs some time! :)
Patience: Cream puffs atop a Calphalon roasting pan. And thanks for reading my overly long comment. It shook Karen to the core.
I love these, and as a mother of 4 children, ranging in ages from 5 (adorable pre-school), 9 (precocious pre-tween), 13 (Oh God he’s a teenager now), and 14 (Dear Lord, she’s in her second year of teens – she MUST know everything, right?) I feel compelled to share mine.
1. We have never had set meal times. We don’t do “dinner” in our house. It’s pretty much an open buffet, where the eater is also the chef. You’re hungry, go get yourself something. The only “dinner” we have is when all of us are too lazy to make something and we decide to order out. The only exception to this rule is the 5 year old, of course, but he places his order when he’s hungry. (I like to think that I’ve done a great job at teaching my children to “listen” to their bodies and eat when they’re actually hungry, not when the clock says it’s time to eat.)
2. The only time we attend a school funtion is when my child is earning a grade for the attendance. Otherwise, I honestly cannot explain the dread I feel at having to face all those other parent’s that regurlarly attend every single school function and every PTA meeting.
3. I totally agree with Valerie on the whole germs things. I think that the reason why we have so many new illnesses coming out is because people keep freaking out about germs. My kids? Never really been sick at all. I can say for sure that the last time my 14 year even had a cold was a little more than 10 years ago. These kids don’t even have allergies. We’re a firm believer in the “5 second rule” around here… but you better be quicker than those 5 seconds, because in that time the dog has heard you drop it and is on his way to beat you to it.
4. I would do absolutely anything and everything for my kids. But they don’t know that. They usually have to ask about 5 times. I figure I’m teaching them to be a little more self reliant since they usually stop asking by the 3rd time. That and it helps me determine if it’s something they really need/want. If they can’t make it to the 5th time, either they can handle it or they just really don’t want/need it. I would be SO screwed if they figured this out.
5. I’m living vicariously through my oldest child. My 14 year old is right at the age where I got pregnant with her, dropped out of school and became a housewife (for about 5 years, then said “screw this!”). So I didn’t get the chance to go to high school, participate in all the activities, or hang out with my friends. I’ve long been open in my discussions about my hopes and dreams for her, and I’ve made it pretty darn clear what teenage sex can do to prevent those from happening. She’s a very smart girl (she’s a 4.0!), and she’s a lot of fun to hang out with. Through her, I’m getting to experience all the things I gave up to be her mother, and you know what? I think it’s even better this way!