Making it my business: husband wrangling and wedding obligations

A glimpse into how yours truly makes a point AND tips on making a painful wedding experience less, um, painful. And for the boys, mentionings of making out.

February 11, 2008; 12:00 PM • by Valerie Catrow

Here we go, here we go now!

Dear Valerie,

My husband has this annoying habit where puts his dirty dishes on the counter, rather than walking two more steps to put them in the sink. He is understanding when I let him know it bothers me, but he doesn’t change. Is it better to keep nagging so that he understands every time he doesn’t do it, or is it better to save my breath? It’s mostly annoying because I’m asking for such a small thing – so what’s the problem? But, then I feel bad for nagging because it is so small. What do I do?

Thanks!
The Semi-Wrathful Wife

Let me start with saying that you’re not wrong to be annoyed. Yes, it’s a small flaw, but you’re not asking him to solve world hunger here. But, I can also tell you that nagging you isn’t going to work. I know that from extensive experience.

I have a similar problem, only a bit worse, because *someone’s* dishes don’t even make it to the sink. I tried ignoring it, but that left me seething with anger and resentment. I also tried kindly reminding someone. And then I tried lots and lots of yelling. None of it worked. None. of. it.

So then I started stacking the dirty dishes on his pillow.

That seems to be working.

lessonlearned.jpgIt was a dramatic gesture, yes, but I think doing something totally absurd made him realize how much his sloppiness was bothering me.

If this approach wouldn’t work for you, break it down into a simple cause and effect statement that appeals to a different set of priorities. Try this:

“If you take two more seconds to clean up, we won’t spend three hours arguing about this. Instead, we could spend those three hours making out.”

Dear Valerie,

I’m going to get invited to a wedding that I don’t want to attend, but I know that the bride would really like me to be there. Is just not wanting to go reason enough to decline? I promise that I would send a gift.

Sincerely,
Reluctant Reveler

Unfortunately, I would say that the only way you can get out of this is if you’re required to travel more than a total of four hours to get to the wedding (that’s two hours there, two hours back). If not, you might just have to take one for the team. However, there are a few things you can do to make the whole process easier for everyone:

1. Find out what kind of reception it is. If it’s buffet, you can always go to the ceremony, stop by the reception long enough for the bridge to see you, and then cut out early. If it’s a sit-down dinner, tell the bride that you will be there for the ceremony, but a prior commitment is going to keep you from attending the reception – this way she won’t fork over $100 for food that you and your guest won’t eat.

wedding-card.jpg2. Opt for an easy gift. A gift card or check tucked inside a sweet card is the way to go here. It requires no printing off of lists or scouring for UPC numbers. More importantly, it will let the bride and groom fill in those gaps from their registry when they get back from their honeymoon.

3. Don’t buy anything new to wear for the wedding. If you’re like most people over the age of 20, you most likely have a wedding “uniform.” (Mine looks like this.) Keep it simple and classy.

4. Make sure you sign the guest book. Chances are, you will only speak to the bride for about 15 seconds while you’re at the wedding, if at all. Signing the guest book let’s her know you were there for her – just not specifically how *long* you were there for her.

5. Try to enjoy yourself even though you might have preferred to stay at home that Saturday watching reruns of The Biggest Loser on Bravo. Most brides invite guests that they truly want there for one of the biggest days of their lives. Consider it an honor and make sure you tell her she looks beautiful.

(Got a question? Send it to val@rvanews.com for some profoundly wise advice.)

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Valerie Catrow

Valerie Catrow is editor of RVAFamily, mother to a mop-topped first grader, and always really excited to go to bed.

February 11, 2008 12

Making it my business: lip gloss and cell phone etiquette

More than you ever wanted to know about skin tone AND a brief glimpse into how obnoxious some people can be (especially me).

February 5, 2008; 8:23 AM • by Valerie Catrow

And now, cried Max, let the wild rumpus start!

Dear Valerie,

How do I go about picking a lip gloss color? Sephora is just too overwhelming…

Forever in your debt,
Cautious Cosmetics Consumer

First, I’m so glad you’re looking for lip gloss and not lipstick. If you were asking me about lipstick, I would just blink at you a few times and offer you a cold beverage.

Lip gloss is a wonderful thing. – it adds just enough color and shine to give you that Natalie Portmanesque dewy glow. And luckily, it’s incredibly easy to find the right shade, if you pay attention to two things:

1. The natural shade of your lips
2. The undertones of your skin

1. Any lip color (if you’re going for the natural look any you should be because this is not 1992 and no one has matte, burgundy lips, ladies) should be one or two shades deeper than the natural color of your lips. Don’t go lighter. Corpses just aren’t cute.

The best way to determine this is to test the color out on just one of your lips. If you’re at a highish end place (like Sephora or a department store) they will provide testers for you. Just apply the gloss to your upper lip and compare it to the natural color of your bottom lip. If it’s too much of a difference, put it down, back away, and try something else. If you buy lip gloss from drugstores and the like, the color on the tube or display is usually a pretty good indicator. Just hold it up to you lips while looking in a mirror and you should get a decent idea of how it compares to your natural lip color.

2. Figuring out your skin undertones is a bit trickier, but just as important. Undertones are typically deemed “warm” or “cool.” If your skin has a golden, yellow, green, or bronze tint, and you look smokin’ in earthy tones like orange and yellow, you’d be classified as warm. If you lean more towards the pink or even bluish realm and look best in rich blues, purples, and greens, you’ve got cool undertones.

Here’s an example involving yours truly (with absolutely no makeup – that’s love, Internets):

boo1.jpg

Here I am in beige, a warmer color. Notice the more-sallow-than-normal complexion and the sad, sad face.

yay.jpg

Here I am in a rich, berry red. Do you see how much I’m glowing? As this a cooler color and it makes me look like I was just kissed upon the cheeks by faeries, you can classify me as a “cool.”

Take the same approach to choosing lip gloss as you would a top, scarf, or hat, anything that would normally be close to you face (but do remember the 1-2 shades rules). Those with warm undertones will be able to pull off glosses with a golden or bronzy feel, while those of us with cool undertones should go for the more berry end of the spectrum. (Also, little known fact, cooler ladies: lip color with a bluish tint makes your teeth look whiter!)

Something to remember, though. The natural color of your lips is probably the color that will suit you best. When in doubt, a quick swipe of Burt’s Bees will give your lips just enough hydration to look luscious, and you won’t look like you’ve playing in your mother’s makeup bag.

Dear Valerie,

I think it’s rude to talk on the phone while in the car with others. It’s like being crammed in a phone booth together. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Piqued Passenger

The only reason to talk on the phone while in the social presence of other people is to give the person on the other end of the line details about a hang out or directions to where you’re all going. Otherwise, it’s just plain rude. To me, it is exactly the same as being on the phone with someone and choosing to carry on a conversation with someone who’s actually in the room with you. Then person on the phone has to just sit and listen to you chatting up while precious cell phone minutes are ticking away. I don’t care how funny the IRL conversation might be, splitting your attention sends a poor message.

The question is, what do you do about it? I have a tendency to get super obnoxious in the situation you’re describing and say things like “Oh, I’m so-and-so, I’m soooooooooooo important. I’m on the phone all the time” all in a very high-pitched voice. Don’t do that.

[audio:http://rvanews.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/val-soimportant.mp3]

Instead, you might need to invest some time into setting an example. If you happen to be in a car (or at dinner or just hanging out) with people and you get a phone call, send it to voice mail and say, “I’m just going to send this to voice mail. I don’t want to make you all listen to my conversation.” If others hear it enough, it will wear away at their poor cell phone habits like drips of water on a stone…but probably faster.

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Valerie Catrow

Valerie Catrow is editor of RVAFamily, mother to a mop-topped first grader, and always really excited to go to bed.

February 5, 2008 5

Making it my business: semicolon skillz & upping your game

Uncertainty plagues Richmond as one reader is insecure in his punctuation knowledge and another stumbles over mastering the delicate dance that is a Friend Crush.

January 28, 2008; 9:23 AM • by Valerie Catrow

LET US COMMENCE WITH THE GIVING OF ADVICE!

Dear Valerie,

Seriously, how the hell do you use [semicolons]. It’s funny you mentioned grammar in your post because I was talking to [My Beautiful Lady-Friend] about grammar just last night, and she was trying to help me with semicolons but was not sure. Anyway, thanks, they have blown my mind since elementary school.

Thanks,
Puzzled Punctuater

Semicolons are what separate the men from the boys in the world of grammar. They are an odd bird in that you can get away with not using them when you should, but use them when you shouldn’t and everything falls apart.

Before I launch into my explanation as to how to properly use this intimidating punctuation mark, let me share an editor’s trick with you. If you’re ever not sure if you’re punctuating correctly (or capitalizing correctly, etc.), try to rework the sentence into a structure with which you are more comfortable. I get paid to do this stuff and sometime I still get stumped.

In general, semicolons have two uses:

1. Use a semicolon to join two sentences (or independent clauses) more closely than a period. When readers see a period, they often move the sentence they just read to the back of their minds and move on to the next. A semicolon indicates a close relationship between two thoughts. That relationship can vary from a complete contrast to a cause-effect relationship between the clauses. For example…

I’m so excited. Someone commented on my last Project Runway post.

The period in the first sentence is so final, and the capitalization of the next thought minimizes the connection. Instead, you can do this:

I’m so excited; someone commented on my last Project Runway post.

2. Semicolons can also be used to make a stronger division between items in a list already containing punctuation. I love this use because it’s all about clarity. Look here…

Ross has lived in such exotic places as Salvador, Brazil, Brussels, Belgium, and Wilmington, Delaware.

That sentence is such a mess! Luckily, the semicolon is here to clean house…

Ross has lived in such exotic places as Salvador, Brazil; Brussels, Belgium; and Wilmington, Delaware.

See, kids? It’s simple. But, remember, when it doubt, find another way to write the sentence so you don’t use the semicolon incorrectly. Kind of like how I use a synonym when I don’t know how to spell the first word I was thinking of.

Dear Valerie,

What’s some advice for when you meet a new person that you want to be friends with? How do you ask them to hang out without seeming creepy?

Sincerely,
Amorous Amigo

We’ve all been here, AA. You meet a person that you know will be your BFF if you can just get them to hang out with you and realize how awesome you are. I would argue that this is more stressful than your standard crush because there are no specific mores to dictate your behavior. And thanks to the Internets, we have lots of ways to innocently track the comings and goings of our friend-crushes. Don’t use them. That’s creepy.

I’m looking at two possible scenarios here: 1) You know the person through someone else or 2) You happened upon them, like you would a pot ‘o’ gold at the end of a rainbow.

Scenario #1 is undoubtedly easier to deal with. Let your shared acquaintances know that you think your new Friend-Love is charming/smart/hilarious and should be invited to your next hang out. Once your current friends know that more fun can be added to the bunch, they’ll more than likely do the dirty work for you. I’ve had many a great friendship start because someone has told Ross to bring me along somewhere because she thought we’d have a good time. Remember, when Friend-Love arrives, make sure you say “I’m stoked you came to hang out,” but only once. Or maybe more if you’ve had some beers, but by then nobody cares.

As far as scenario #2, go big or go home, as I always say (which I do, ask anyone). You’re funny! You’re witty! You’re enough! Who wouldn’t want to hang out with you? Particularly, who wouldn’t want to hang out with you when they already know that you think they’re great? My point is, don’t be afraid of freaking them out with your enthusiasm, but do be careful about how you approach arranging the next interaction. Mention an impending group hang out that you think they would enjoy, offer to text them with the details (texting is much less intrusive than an actual person-to-person phone call), and most importantly, follow through – nobody likes a flake. Nobody. If Friend-Love doesn’t respond, DO NOT text them again. That’s sure to get you a big fat DENY when you ask to be their myspace friend and, frankly, I’m not sure any of us can take that kind of rejection.

(Have a burning question or just something your mildly curious about? Send inquiries to val@rvanews.com.)

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Valerie Catrow

Valerie Catrow is editor of RVAFamily, mother to a mop-topped first grader, and always really excited to go to bed.

January 28, 2008 6