It will be warm on Sunday. Today will be miserable, but there is hope. Unfortunately, hope doesn’t make my teeth stop chattering, so I will be annoyed until I thaw out.
I know what you’re thinking, “I didn’t choose to settle in Virginia because I wanted my bones to freeze.” No! You settled in Virginia for the same reasons the rest of us did: its charmingly backwards politics!
Think about it: living here is like having free access to a history museum every day of the year! You’ve got Civil War battlefields just a rifle-throw away. Our capitol building was designed by an 18th century genius, old streetcar tracks remind us of our urban engineering feats back in the 19th century, and our policies–our beautiful policies–are perfectly preserved specimens dating all the way back to the Stone Age itself!
Where else in the country can you find such a rich assortment of historical artifacts–treasures like State Senator Emmett Hanger from Augusta, with his truly timeless proclamations.
“There are differences between men and women which are undeniable as far as natural law is concerned, so I don’t think our efforts should be within the Constitution to attempt to say that we’re all equal, because I think that we are equal, but in different ways. We should confine our work to statutes that make sure that we protect the uniqueness of genders at the same time that we afford equal opportunity.”
Hanger’s point of view reflects a time-honored tradition that stands up to capricious trends like “integration” and “human rights”–boldly asserting that “We’re not equal. I mean, we are, but we’re separate. We’re separate but equal.”
Separate but equal. It may not be popular in other states–states that discard our majestic patriarchal heritage as one would throw an empty pizza box out a car window–but these three words are what keeps Virginia proudly, defiantly behind the times.
Reasons to stay in bed
- Your fingers begin to ache the moment you step outside, despite how many pairs of gloves you are wearing.
- There are all these photos of Boston under mountains of snow, but they don’t make you feel better. Only colder.
- Sunday’s temperatures will supposedly break 50 degrees, but I’m not convinced, so we should all prepare ourselves to have to stay indoors for eternity. Here is literally everything you need to know about making that space a comfortable and pleasant environment, which you might as well do, because it will be your tomb.
- Because it is still legal to offer “conversion therapy,” we have to respond to hate billboards with love billboards. In the end, no one has their minds changed, but everyone is bummed out. Now is the time to sink deeper into your covers.
Reasons to get up
- OK, it’s not all bad! The Oscars are tomorrow night, which is probably going to be a fun time, depending on how you feel about it. Here’s how WE feel about it.
- Also, there’s Dubai, which could also be a hot topic in itself, but is still pretty interesting to read about. Something about the way their planned islands are shaped makes my skin crawl. But this video, which DOES NOT INVOLVE CGI, makes up for it.
- There are also a thousand things to do in this city I affectionately call Little Dubai. So many things that I got exhausted when writing about it and suggested we just go to a dance party.