We don’t do “Date Nights”
“Date Nights” seem like a prescription that’s widely accepted for whatever ails you. But what if scheduled nights out on the town aren’t the right answer for you?
Open up just about any book about marriage or long-term relationships and you’ll see it. Go to most women-centric blogs or forums, and it’ll be understood that it’s just Something Good To Do. It is everywhere, its vast hold on our collective consciousness mighty and tight.
I am talking, of course, about Date Nights.
I’ll cut to the chase: my husband and I happily don’t “do” scheduled date nights…and so far, my marriage1 seems to be going along just fine without them on the calendar. Instead, we approach the “reconnecting” puzzle with with a three-pronged approach.
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1. Solo dates
Connecting with your partner is important, and if a scheduled dinner-out date night is the way you do that, far be it from me to lambast you. Lord knows going out for sushi is great.2 But I also don’t think it’s helpful to use “Schedule a date night!” as a catch-all Do This And All Will Be Well method for all couples.
For my husband and me, it turns out that scheduling the exact opposite of date nights–solo nights, if you will–is way, way more helpful for both of us in our marriage. We need to decompress away from each other so we can reconnect later and be better people in our partnership. I like hanging out with my husband, but I also REALLY need to just take my laptop and go be by myself for a little while somewhere. Likewise he–shockingly–does not want me hanging out with him when he writes music. We have our hobbies and our need for space, and there are times we’d rather invest in those time slots than in the togetherness slot.
2. Eating at home
We make it a point to eat dinner together at home most nights. Cooking and “breaking bread” is deeply communal for us. Yes, it is spiked with us telling the dogs to stop looking pathetic,3 and soon mealtime may cease to be as regular once a baby enters the picture, but the essence of what we’re doing at home negates the desire to go out to eat in order to connect. We talk about our day as water boils. We talk about the future as we raid the fridge. We talk about stories we ran across in our reading as we eat. We simply are. Date nights are meant to reconnect us with our spouses, but these dinners in seem to do the trick for us. Maybe this is just a semantic difference. Maybe what we’re doing are date nights. But…I don’t think that’s what people really mean when they tell us we should be having these Capitalized Date Nights.
Do we go out to eat at all? Sure. If we’re out and about and hungry, or feeling lazy, or if it’s a birthday, or Scrooge McDuck4 unclenches her pennies a little, we get food from The Outside pretty regularly.5 But we don’t view it as sacred time. It’s just eating. For us, the reconnecting happens at home as we try to throw together a veggie lasagna with the odd assortment of vegetables from the fridge.6 We still laugh over our attempt at hollandaise sauce. We create our history this way. We write more stories of our lives.
3. Errands
My husband and I have found that the spontaneous things in life are what bring us closer to one another. Listening to This American Life episodes and David Sedaris audiobooks together lets us laugh when we’re going to get groceries–it is magical. Much like breaking bread, by listening to a story in the car together we’re connecting and launching into our own stories. Ira and David are the best third and fourth wheels.
So, my advice to couples looking for something to do to get closer? Forget the elaborate date night that’s sure to squeeze the wallet, and try eating at home and listening to some Sedaris (or whoever makes you laugh, or think, or debate) while you drive to get the groceries for your meal. You may find yourselves as we often do: parked at the store, but waiting together in the car, holding on for just a few more minutes of communal listening. And connecting.
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Obligatory note: I realize things change with kids in the mix! Children, their schedules, their very presence at home, along with work schedules that may never mesh well–these all factor into what things you do to reconnect with a spouse and whether or not they need to be on the calendar officially. Our situation is simply what works for us now.
Photo by: thurlbut
- Four years in…eight years into the relationship total. ↩
- Especially if it rains at Sticky Rice! ↩
- More often, “Shut uppppp.” ↩
- Me. ↩
- I think the people at Bev’s get happy when they see me walk down the street. Or run, if it’s basil ice cream day. ↩
- Brussels sprouts, when chopped up, work just fine. ↩
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Hayley DeRoche
Hayley DeRoche is a librarian with a penchant for cardigans and corduroys. Luckily, her professional life revolves more around technology & information than fashion.
Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
I would definitely like a follow-up post on this to see how you two connect once your little one arrives, and what, if anything, you needed to change. Ira, David, and wee DeRoche would be amazing 3rd, 4th, and 5th wheels for your party!
Any time someone watches Cooper and Greg and I get to actually connect with each other I consider a “date night.” We’re insanely lucky to be able to schedule one most Wednesdays.
Even though 90% of the time “date night” usually means heading to the gym then watching Netflix, it is something we both look forward to every week. Maybe my date definition standards are lower than the average person! :)
Thank you so much for this! I always feel a cringe of guilt when I hear about my friends’ “date nights” and how we never can make it happen and honestly, even if we do it ends up feeling forced and unnatural. I can say with two kids into our 7 yr marriage, 11 yr relationship we definitely seek out the “solo dates” and enjoy catching up over cooking/cleaning or washing up our boys in the bathroom. In no way are we perfect but it’s working for us!
I would agree totally and we have a little one! Making dinner at home and running errands are some of our best times! We also like to just ride around town or into the country talking, listening to music and hanging out. “Date Nights” aren’t easy for us, and sometimes we like them, but more often than not, doing the everyday things together make our lives more rich and happy. It’s nice to hear someone else saying the same things we’ve been doing for years :-)
We do both so that both persons needs are met. Mine that I am worth spending money, his that he is worth the effort. That way we get two special date nights a week and it’s worked out great!
(7 year relationship, 2 year cohabitation/engagement, 25 year-old’s, no kids.)
My husband & I are home bodies. We recharge by being home together. Running errands together works for us too. 17 years & still going strong!
Great points! We didn’t do “real” date nights either before kids. We’ve always naturally spent tons of time together. Now twice a year or so now we get a baby sitter and have a long, expensive dinner. It is wonderfully glorious! Delicious food we didn’t have to cook enjoyed over a couple of hours of deep conversation, uninterrupted by a small person who needs to potty or has something very important to say. Heaven!
Hooray for everyday things :)
In our relationship, we too have a “date night” in that we often call a “couch picnic” that involves me picking up a pizza on my way home from work. We catch-up on our week and relax by watching a movie on demand. Going out can stretch your wallet and often take a lot of time to get ready, coordinate plans, waiting in lines, general loudness, etc. After a long week of work and other obligations, a quiet night at home is just the answer we need to reconnect. We’ve been together for 10 years and are recently engaged, so something must be working!