The battle of the boob
In the state of Virginia, “No person shall be deemed to be in violation of [indecent exposure laws] for breastfeeding a child in any public place or any place where others are present.” So, what are your thoughts about nursing in public?
Editor’s note: Today’s feature is the newest installment of our parenting column written by two sets of Richmonders: Jorge and Patience Salgado (veteran parents of four gorgeous children), and Ross and Valerie Catrow (parenting rookies who have only been doing this “raising a child thing” for a few months). Check back fortnightly to watch them discuss/agree/disagree/throw down over all kinds of parenting issues, Richmond-related and beyond.
Today’s question: How do you feel about nursing in public?
The Salgados
You haven’t truly had to nurse in public until you are seated on an airplane (with a wiggly 8-month-old on your lap) next to a gentleman in his 50’s who is trying to read The New York Times. Can you say “awkward”? Normally, to borrow a word from my six-year-old, I am the master of discreet nursing, but this put even my skills to the test.
Trying to decide who gets the armrest can be a little tricky, let alone pulling out the left breast while my baby arches her back to try to look at this man while she nurses. Yet through all the gymnastics, I remind myself we are human. We are designed to feed our babies with (shockingly!) our boobs.
Even after almost 10 years of nursing, I still feel a little self-conscious in certain settings. It isn’t a deep seeded question about my beliefs or some other personal hang-up but mostly out of extreme politeness. I know our society is completely uninterested in the boob trying out for another role. They love her so much in the one she is in, and she’s been type-casted for sure. So I try to be aware and nurse discreetly, but the show is still going on, on planes, at the park, in the restaurant, in the library, in the coffee shop. Sometimes I might pick a more private spot or have a blanket over my shoulder, sometimes not. I hope, in some small way this will help others to see she isn’t just a one trick pony but amazingly talented and versatile.
Is it too much to ask to meet somewhere in the middle? Cue the cheesy dramatic music. Can nursing and the public be friends? No really, it would be so liberating if this were no longer a blip on the social radar. It is good for all involved. Babies need to eat, mothers need to live life and the world needs to embrace human connection. Please know I’ll do my best to do right by you and, more importantly, my kid until then.
The Catrows
I am what you could call an “awkward nurser.” I require props and various apparatuses to get everyone and everything in the correct position, a situation I blame entirely on the fact that my child is exceptionally large and hard to maneuver even in settings that don’t carry the risk of my bosoms being exposed. And after almost 9 months of doing this, I still haven’t mastered the whole, “my boob is out, but you can’t tell” trick that so many other mothers have. I probably never will.
Because of this, I tend to not nurse in public. I have done so when it’s been unavoidable: on a plane, at church, in the middle of a field during Slaughterama, etc. etc. But it’s not my first choice, mostly because of my own modesty issues.
Really, I find it funny that I’m so concerned about my various parts being exposed while feeding my baby. I fully acknowledge that I am the product of our society only sexualizing the breast, therefore making it “inappropriate” to have out in public. I wish I could get over it, but I’m not there yet.
Honestly, I admire women who are comfortable (and capable) enough to nurse their babies while they’re out in the world, living their lives. I find it kind of appalling that anyone would suggest that they shouldn’t do. (Do not even get me started on people who tell mothers to go nurse their babies IN THE BATHROOM. Gross.) Do I think women should be permitted to walk around with their breasts hanging out? No. But there has to be a middle-ground. It’s not like nursing mothers take out their breasts to put on a show. In that situation, those parts are functional, and we shouldn’t put any constraints (legal, social, or otherwise) on them to keep them from doing what they were built to do.
For me, it really comes down to this: a bottle-fed baby gets to eat in public, a breast-fed baby should be able to as well. And isn’t it funny that while women are told from the beginning that breastfeeding is best for them and their babies, other people’s hang-ups make it so difficult (and socially-isolating) to actually do it? But I guess that’s another rant for another time…
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Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
Breastfeeding anywhere is #1 in my book. I was a nervous nelly about it at first. I thought it would be too tricky to be discreet with the D cups but after a while I was nursing in libraries, grocery stores, on the beach, trains, and in a tree. I was especially worried about people snarking at me. One day a woman kept staring at me at the park and I finally gave here the “You got something to say?” look. She came over, apologized and said she was sorry for staring but she had never seen a woman nursing a baby before and she thought it was beautiful.
I didn’t grow up seeing women breastfeed either. It seemed to have disappeared or gone underground. I don’t think that should happen again.
Thanks for the article Patience and Valerie.
Very well put! I must say this is one of my biggest fears as I draw closer to motherhood. You have both made me feel a little less tense about whippin out the boobies.
As a mom who went through breast feeding, it was awkward at first (such as the garden/patio section at Lowe’s). However, a happy well-fed baby outweighed any public scrutiny.
It’s good to read other’s experience and hopefully we’ll continue to see more people accept moms’ natural resources.
I find it disturbing that we still have to have this “debate” over where and how breastfeeding occurs. It seems our whole social attitude is driven by some adolescent, sneaking-a-peek at National Geographic, force. They’re boobs.Over half of the world has them, and employ them regularly for a more serious job than being fondled by a man. In most parts of the world, this topic isn’t discussed because it isn’t about choice or modesty or easing the discomfort of others, but rather, it’s a necessity for the life and health of a child. I really wish our country could get over it. As for the authors, well put, however, I winced when listening to you both describe how uncomfortable you both felt nursing in public places. I felt the same way. But isn’t it sad that our social atmosphere could make us feel wrong and out of place, when sustaining the life of our children in the best possible way known to ma…woman? And isn’t interesting how “offensive” boobs become when they aren’t headlining Mardi Gras or Girls Gone Wild? I just don’t get it. Nonetheless, I related to both of your perspectives and feelings and had similar experiences. My son is 7, brilliant, creative, healthy, and REALLY tall. I wouldn’t have done it any other way.
My wife preferred privacy but was pretty skilled at managing the angles and blankie for coverage. I also learned to position myself in the line of sight of anyone who might be able to get a lookie-loo (airplanes were the big instance).
I did, however, have a childhood instance that burned an image in my mind. When I was probably 5-6, a Sunday school teacher with a baby yanked out a boob, let it hang there for a minute, and then got the kid latched on, all without breaking her train of thought.
anybody who complains about breast feeding in public is jealous…
“And isn’t it funny that while women are told from the beginning that breastfeeding is best for them and their babies, other people’s hang-ups make it so difficult (and socially-isolating) to actually do it?”
This is the heart of the problem. We get such conflicting points of view — breastfeeding is best, but for heaven’s sake don’t do it in front of me. And a mother can’t expect to be isolated in her home for the first years of a child’s life!
It is amazing what a difference a positive comment or smile can make. I still remember the first time I nursed in public (the first time I left the house with my newborn): I felt so nervous about it, but a man came up afterwards and made a comment to me, which made me feel more comfortable about the whole situation.
Patience, I’ve been on that plane. My worst plane experience was with a terribly overtired three month old who screamed constantly and wouldn’t take my breast (the only thing I thought might get him quiet and to sleep). So…there I sat, screaming baby, exposed boob, on the verge of tears myself. Ahhhh…great memories.
I realized the first time I watched a friend of mine nursing that I really couldn’t see much from across the room. It made me so much more comfortable in my own public “displays” of feeding.
Nursing is healthy, nursing is easy, nursing is natural. It’s how mammals feed their babies.
As a guy – it’s weird but we really don’t want to see your boob feeding your child — unless it’s our wife/child. But I don’t want you to go to a public bathroom either — that is gross!! I like the happy mediums mentioned above…. Seriously though — this freaks me out… At our pool their is a kid who is 2+ gets out of the pool tells his mom he is hungry — and out comes the boob.. When my kid was 2 he was eating sandwiches and caprisuns at the pool.. Really though — I loved it when my wife was breastfeeding its truly amazing..
I’m a pretty militant public nurser, I admit it. I’ll whip out that breast wherever and whenever my now 18 month old needs it. Does this mean I am being impolite? I don’t see it that way at all. I think those that would chose to sexualize my breasts are being impolite. If you are uncomfortable, that is your problem and your hang up, and you may leave and go hang out in the bathroom. As for me, I’ll be over here, feeding my child in the most natural and nurturing way. I’m not responsible for your social hang ups, but I am responsible for this sweet little life asking to be nourished. In my opinion, this doesn’t mean I’m rude, it means I have my priorities straight.
My son wouldn’t nurse well in public. As I like to tell people, it’s not that he can’t pay attention, it’s that he’s paying attention to everything! If we have #2, I imagine it will be harder to schedule feedings at convenient quiet times and places. I have no problem with breastfeeding whenever and wherever is necessary, for as long as is beneficial to the child. (But I think a 2 year old should be done with the boob!)
great posts…! i think the ‘weirdness’ about nursing in public is part of what leads some mothers to stop nursing early, or even worse, not even begin. so sad. to midlomama – so, what? on your child’s second birthday is your milk supply suddenly sour? i quickly and easily found this bit on kellymom.com; pay close attention to the last sentence: “The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child… Increased duration of breastfeeding confers significant health and developmental benefits for the child and the mother… There is no upper limit to the duration of breastfeeding and no evidence of psychological or developmental harm from breastfeeding into the third year of life or longer.” (AAP 2005)”
From the facebook fan page
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,537261,00.html?test=latestnews Now even little girls can breastfeed in public!
That Fox News thing was unbelievable…not the doll, but the people’s opinions about it. “What’s next, a doll with erectile dysfunction?” Are you for serious?? And about it causing girls to WANT to have babies, maybe *gasp* at an earlier than appropriate age…um, OK so what about all of the other baby dolls that girls have been handed since oh, the dawn of time? Sounds like another case of people freaking out over the effects that toys can have on kids instead of freaking out about the effects that a complete lack of parental involvement can have to me…
I nursed my first kid until he was 15 months, it was GREAT. But oddly, the number one most uncomfortable person about the public nursing question was my husband. He was completely terrified that there were lurking, lecherous men everywhere, just waiting for a peek. It was completely absurd. The odd/ironic bit though was that with kid#2 I went back to work, and pumping was where I drew the line so I put him on formula after a few weeks. Wouldn’t you know, he somehow turned out to be the healthier child. Go figure!
We (my wife and I) believe whole heartedly that breast feeding is better for babies. She (my wife) never had issues breast feeding in public, because when it comes to nourishment, you just don’t skimp. We are talking crucial development here. One thing that hasn’t been discussed, and well may be too off subject, is breast pumps. For working mom’s, it is pretty embarrassing or annoying, depending on the womans nature to be in mid pump, when a male co-worker walks into your office without knocking. She considered putting a sign on her door saying “Stay the hell out, I’m pumping”!
My Wife has a friend who pumps while she drives… and you thought texting was dangerous…
We don’t have kids yet, but I am very pro-breastfeeding and I can’t wait. I have no qualms with breastfeeding in public. On vacation in Seattle last month I saw a mom with the most gargantuan boobs I’ve ever seen breastfeeding a newborn while walking through a park holding the hand of her toddler, completely unconcerned with anyone but her two babies. I was not only impressed with her coordination, but also her unabashed dedication to the needs of both of her kids at that moment. It was great.
That being said, I do plan to cover up when breastfeeding in public (restaurants and the like). I think it will be much easier for me to concentrate on what I’m doing when I’m not trying to avoid glaring back at the people who are staring at me, and I know those people will be around. And whether they’re being used for a sexual purpose or not, I do kind of like to keep my boobs to myself (and my husband). Maybe that will change when I actually have a baby… In the meantime, though, I like this product and plan to get one when the time comes: http://www.bebeaulait.com/
I do not, however, EVER plan to pump while driving. Good lord!
okay, i’m not promoting this thing, or anything, but…
it seems like someone’s got the “you should be able to nurse any time, any where” thing figured out in a way they can make some cash.
have you all heard of “my breast friend?”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaH62egj2-4
you can fastforward this video to get about a minute in to see this thing.
michelle dugger (that 18 and counting tlc show) walks around with this contraption so she is basically breastfeeding at any time – only problem is, getting through doorways, as it adds about 2 feet to your perimeter.
maybe it’s just me, but i thought that nursing a baby was a priority, and i just couldn’t treat it like it was second to everything else going on.
Another one of the issues we’ve had with nursing in the presence of a lot of people was that my kid is just so effing distracted by everything going on around him. Maybe if I had nursed in public more when he was tiny, he wouldn’t be phased by it. Who knows?
Something else I didn’t mention. While I’ve never really gotten comments about nursing in public the few times I’ve actually done it, I have gotten weird looks from people when I excuse myself to nurse the baby in another room. Some of them even get a bit too assertive saying, “Why don’t you just do it here? What, are you embarrassed?” Anyone else ever have an experience like that?
I think we need to also remember that while we need to be accepting of women who choose to nurse their children in public, we need to also be respectful of the fact that some women are more modest than others and prefer privacy.
Great article! I’m in my 6th week of breastfeeding and there is NOTHING remotely sexy about it. I’m a modest person, too, but when my baby is screaming and he’s hungry, the last thing on my mind is the comfort level of the people around me. I still try to be as discreet as possible, but the more I nurse, the less awkward I feel about doing it in public. You hit the nail on the head when you said “babies need to eat and mamma’s need to have a life.” Sitting at home waiting to nurse every 2-3 hours is, to me, a prison sentence.