Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, as interpreted by a Sex and the City fan

Four mutant reptiles battling evil criminals? Four ladies looking for love in the Big Apple? Guys, they are totes the same.

When I was a child, I very much enjoyed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Due to the absurdity of the concept, my mother dismissed the violent show as more harmless than Smurfs, and my love affair was allowed to continue. It filled a void in my life after He-Man had turned into a passé, narcissistic twink, and ThunderCats started getting downright racist.

Fifteen years later, my interests having shifted from cartoons to sports to boobies to ska to books to beer, I abandoned all and was sucked into Sex and the City, and what I found was all too familiar.

Carrie Bradshaw is clearly Leonardo. The leader of the group, Leo used a sword much as Carrie used her writing. We aren’t sure why these two are leaders, aside from the fact that they’re more intricate characters than the other turtles/ women.

Samantha Jones is Michelangelo with tits. He is remembered as the zany one with the insatiable love for “pizza” (sex). NOTE: All the Turtles enjoy “pizza”, Michelangelo just enjoys it a lot more. The long reach of his nunchuk is dangerously similar to Samantha’s long reach of influence as a PR agent, and even the very name of the weapon hearkens us to recognize her rejection of religion. (Except for the ep in Season 4 where she likes Friar Fuck, but that was about “pizza”, not the Good News.)

Let us not dwell, dear children, on Miranda Hobbes’s red hair as a dead giveaway that she is none other than the red-wearing Raphael. Typically aggressive question-askers, these two are really the most realistic characters and as such, I dismiss them as prudish and sullen.

Finally, and here’s where it gets tricky: Charlotte York is Donatello. How, you ask, could the materialistic, vapid gold-digger be the tech-savvy genius? Look closer. I am sure you have already recognized Donatello’s bo-staff as painfully similar to the classic, bow-studded style of Charlotte. But did you entirely miss her love for, knowledge of, and ability to mentally deconstruct artwork as her version of breaking down and rebuilding circuitry? Nay, if she could only have been able to rebuild the circuitry of her marriage with that cardboard baby-giving idiot Trey.

NOTE: Bebop and Rocksteady, as comic relief with no real depth, are clearly resurrected as Anthony Marentino and Stanford Blatch. To whomever has falsely posited that they are Aiden and Big, well, why don’t we just ask Shredder and Krang about that?

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Christopher Elford

Christopher Elford is a Canadian-born waiter, writer, and comedian who enjoys playing a game called “Drink When You’re Unhappy.” He lives in Richmond, Virginia with his two cats and would love to do stand-up at your next garden or office party.

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