Spare the rod?
It’s a touchy subject, but it brings to light a decision every parent has to make: do you/will you spank your kids? Find out what two sets of Richmond parents have to say about it (and tell us what you think).
Editor’s note: Today’s feature is the latest installment of our parenting column written by two sets of Richmonders: Jorge and Patience Salgado (veteran parents of four gorgeous children), and Ross and Valerie Catrow (parenting rookies who have only been doing this “raising a child thing” for a few months). Check back fortnightly to watch them discuss/agree/disagree/throw down over all kinds of parenting issues, Richmond-related and beyond.
Today’s question: Do you/will you spank your kids?
The Salgados
I sat around a dinner table with my husband and his siblings feeling mildly disturbed over the conversation. Really, who doesn’t have those experiences with the in-laws every now and then?
“Remember the time mom hit you with the shoe?” she said. They laughed and laughed.
“But at least we never got beat, ya know? Our cousins on the other hand…” No one was rocking in the corner or anything; it was all good natured ribbing, but I knew we would never spank our children. Ever.
His experiences with spanking were explosive and impulsive, mine were methodical and controlled. The result of both was fear and shame. I’m sure both sets of parents had the intention of love to shape, guide and protect us on some level. It just doesn’t strike me as an effective long term tool from any angle and can be potentially harmful. The message being, I am bigger, stronger and can hurt you and for this reason you will listen and respond to me.
We insist that our children do not hit each other and encourage the use of words for conflict resolution but then we hit them? The logic behind this one baffles me. We often decide to use this form of discipline as a last resort but could it be that we as parents are just too tired to keep exploring other options? The misuse of power is just quicker and easier.
I will openly admit that there have been moments of complete and total frustration with my kids; times when I wanted to shake the hell out of them, times of yelling and crying, meltdowns all around. Yes, I have been the lady in Target pushing a screaming child outside to talk so we won’t disturb your shopping experience. It is our children’s developmental work to explore and test boundaries to discover what is both safe and acceptable in the world. It is our job to give them the skills to navigate as whole and complete individuals, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Spanking has never found its way into the equation and I hope never will.
The Catrows
When I was growing up, spanking happened in my house from time to time. However, I don’t recall it ever happening to me (not because I was inherently good, but because being the third child gave me a good idea of what we could and could not get away with).
Meanwhile, Ross was spanked all of once when he was about two years old, and then it didn’t happen again.
So keeping that in mind, neither of us has a vivid, firsthand experience of what it felt like to be on the receiving end of a disciplinary slap. Also, you must remember that our kid is only seven months old and isn’t currently at the point where we have to discipline him beyond a stern “No” or “Let go.”
That being said, I guess you could say our official stance on the issue of spanking is this: we’re not adamantly opposed to it, but we think other approaches to discipline work just as well. And I can declare with a strong amount of certainty that we won’t be spanking our little man.
Our main issue with it breaks down to two points:
First, we believe it would be very easy for a parent to (perhaps unconsciously) use the spanking as a way to get out frustrations with the current situation (and maybe pre-existing issues), rather than to just discipline the child. And we wouldn’t ever want our little boy to have bear the brunt of a swiftly delivered blow that was backed not only by discipline but also a parent’s pent-up anger over the daily mess and chaos that comes with child-rearing . That is just not fair.
Second, it seems that taking a physical approach to correcting behavior could enforce the whole “Because I said so” philosophy of discipline (of which I am a product), rather than the “This is why” approach (of which Ross is product). The distinction of those is important to us because while I behaved well while I was growing up mostly out of fear for what would happen if I did something wrong (not physically, of course, but in other ways), Ross behaved well because the understanding of why the good behavior was valued over the poor behavior was established early on. We want our kid to behave well because that is what he supposed to do, not because of what he’ll have coming to him if he doesn’t.
Now, I’m sure there are some parents who will say that we have no clue what we’re talking about because we’ve never really had to discipline our child. Undoubtedly, someone muttered, “You’ll see…” while reading this, maybe someone who’s just coming off telling their toddler for the 74,342nd time to NOT touch the STOVE because it’s HOT. But, like with every parenting decision you make with your child, you have to have a starting point. And this is ours.
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Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
knee-jerk liberalist bullshit.
Like just in general, or were you speaking about something specifically?
My wife and I have two kids. One is 6 months old which we have not had to discipline at all, by spanking. The other is almost 3 and she KNOWS a good spanking when she sees it, or feels it in this case.
My wife and I both were spanked when we were younger and I can’t say that we were fearful or shameful but I do know that we knew THIS was a consequence to our actions and there were very few knee jerk reactions if any. However I can’t say I understood why I couldn’t do this or couldn’t do that. I am stubborn so it’s possible I just ignored them all the time.
With that being said, my wife and I try hard at making sure they understand the reason behind a punishment (and by punishment I mean spanking, timeout, just a warning, or no Clifford, etc) because its important for them understand their actions are not appropriate, why they aren’t appropriate, and there are consequences to their actions. ESPECIALLY if they do it, over and over and over and over again just “because”. :)
Karen and I never supported spanking until we had this little terror named Jasper Deigo. Now, when he pushes our buttons and misbehaves repeatedly out of spite, we wait until he’s sound asleep and then take turns spanking each other’s behinds to relieve the stress. Oh, wait. That’s not the kind of domination we’re talking about in this column.
Seriously, my kid isn’t walking yet and I can already see why parents get so frustrated that they lose control and that’s my biggest concern. How often is the spanking a way for the parent to release their anger? What is really being conveyed besides rage? When “punishment” is emotionally charged, all the kid sees/feels is aggression. Get an inanimate punching bag for that shit, or a therapist, or find an adoption agency. Might does not make right. Children are sponges for the examples you set. I haven’t hit people in my life, and it’s probably not a coincidence that I didn’t get hit by my parents to begin with. That said, maybe I need to cut down on the father/son UFC watching, since he’s only 14 months old.
A belated, Happy Father’s Day to those who qualify.
Jenny and I don’t have wee ones yet but I’d say a good umbrella statement for this issue is “depend on the kid”. I think that the hard stance behaviorist has become a rarer creature than in the days of Dr. Spock (not Mr. Spock…Dr. Spock). A quick look at basic, naitivist linguistics as studied by Chomsky will show us that we are all born with certain innate qualities. Studies on separated twins have also yielded promising results for the argument that we are all born individuals.
All that being said, we can assert that since we are all born different people, we all need different things. One child may need that physical backing to revere their parent, while another may need to know “why we do this”. Some may need both.
The challenge is when we have multiple kids. Maybe one’s a naturally rebellious, hyper-hypo who needs a little pop to focus and the other is a pensively cerebral little fella who would be cut deep by the shame a spanking would bring on.
I was spanked on occasion. In retrospect, I don’t see it as a negative thing. I am so inheritantly obstinate that a fear of my parents would have lead to my being completely out of control.
I’d also like to note that, if you have Kid A who might benefit from a firm hand, there’s a right way and a wrong way. Don’t be angry (if you are then calm down before administering punishment). Spank, don’t hit (there is a difference). Finally, don’t frigging spank your teenager (that’s not a spanking, it’s a fight.)
My brother and I were spanked solely in instances of deliberate disobedience. We were asked whether we did the act of disobedience, and after confessing (momma always knew) she would say something like ‘I instructed you not to ____ and you have just confessed to doing it after being told not to’ and then she would say the dreaded ‘Over my knee, now.’
Spanking worked for me. My brother more often got 2 tablespoons of vinegar.
I think the “I got spanked and I turned out fine!” type argument is a lame one. We all know that spanking isn’t really necessary.
The mind can land punches far greater than any slap or fist…
Even if I did think spanking was an effective discipline tool (I don’t), I just cannot wrap my brain around the blatant inconsistencies in the pro-spanking argument. Hitting a child is “spanking” but hitting a teenager is “a fight”- Why? How is it different? It’s okay to hit a child, but something magically happens to them when they become teenagers and therefore it’s not okay anymore?
We have laws against domestic abuse. I will go out on a limb and make the assumption that most people believe that ADULTS hitting each other is wrong. (I could be mistaken in this assumption.) But why, then, is it “different” and therefore “okay” to hit a child?
The “depends on the kid” idea is interesting to me. But I wonder what kind of issues that will raise between siblings as they get older.
For 99.99% of kids in 99.99% of cases, there is *always* an alternative to spanking. And in most cases for most kids, there are alternatives to punishments (I do not mean alternatives to “discipline”). However, there are the few kids, and I was one, for whom no discipline works and I believe that spanking may be appropriate in specific instances. The few times my parents spanked me were the few times I knew they weren’t playing and that I had really messed up. Just like everything in life, there is no discipline that works for every kid so we as parents have to be flexible and not rule out any possibilities. The trick is, and where most parents who spank fail, is knowing what situations and behaviors are spanking-worthy.
I’m wondering what those spanking worthy instances are? seriously, I was really trying to think of one when I was writing. I know one of the big arguments is safety related spankings. Was this what you were thinking of Lisa?
When your out in public you can always tell which kids get spanked and which kids don’t…
I agree with Lisa’s point of “alternative” punishments. So for those of you who don’t spank, what do you do other than a time out and taking a privilege away. (I have a 3 year old daughter.) ??
Scott and I do spank our 3 year old. We also use time outs and take privileges away. We spank her when she has been completely defiant and blatantly disobedient to our request. We never hit her with our hands (we have a “spanking” tool) and never hit her while we are angry. That’s one reason we use a tool (kitchen spatula) because it takes us a few seconds to go and get it and we can cool off. I spank once or twice and then 99% of the time I hold her right after. I love on her and we BRIEFLY chat about the incident and life goes on with kisses and smiles. She gets disciplined but in LOVE not anger. No one hits in love — you hit because you’re angry. But you discipline your children out of love. It’s because you LOVE them so much that you want them to act a certain way. I heard one parent say, “I never leave the room after I’ve spanked my kids until we’ve had a tickle party. And everyone comes out laughing!” Most people think spanking is ABUSE or SO HORRIBLE but if done correctly it’s a tool for discipline but as Lisa said…it’s not the only thing.
“Spare the rod…spoil the child…” (quoting the title of this article) The bible NEVER commanded spanking but offers it as tool for parents.
The phrase, “spare the rod…spoil the child” is not in the Bible and the Bible absolutely does NOT “offer spanking (as most define it today) as a tool for parents”. It could be debated, however, that it allows for the physical beating of a teenager to prevent them from being stoned to death.
Spanking and then having a tickle party is just sick. There is no “correct way to do it” in scripture. Howver, there is a severe warning for those who cause “these little ones” to stumble.
I am SO commenting on a dead topic. Meh. Don’t care.
I have something speaking directly to the people who don’t understand the difference between spanking a child and a teen, and those who don’t think it does any good, or is unnecessary, or that it’s brutality.
And I totally agree that each kid is different, comes with no manual, you can’t listen to your parents, or the advice on the ‘net or in a book, you have gotta figure it out on your own.
My opinion, from experience, with my little ninjas, is that spanking was ONLY appropriate, or served any purpose whatsoever, when they were about 2-5ish. You can tell, if you have experience with kids, this is the age where parts of their minds that you can reason with and explain consequences to simply aren’t fully formed. They have the attention span of a goldfish. And they are on a quest to be the ruling power over all that they survey. Time out is a joke to these creatures. I found that it was absolutely critical to be in control of my little maniacs when it was needed, and there were plenty of times when they needed to listen immediately so as to not be in danger. I’ve spanked them. Rarely, and with a ton of warning. “Do you need a spanking?” has been more than enough to get their attention for years, and even the question is generally unnecessary now. They know I’m not going to spank them, I haven’t done that for a long time. But also, they know when I am serious and that when I take a stand, it is not up for debate. I’m sorry but I really have a problem with people whose kids are complete monsters in public and private, who have never been taken under control of any kind even to teach them that you must actually THINK about what other humans around you may need, like a lack of shrill screaming, or not having a kid under their feet. My boys are considerate, they are still total individuals with tons of creativity and character. They respect me, but they do not fear me. Spanking had its place in that, but they have outgrown the need for that kind of discipline at this point. It’s not a question of it being wrong because of their age, it is wrong because it’s no longer an effective means of parenting them.
Gotta say I know too many people who parent “the way they were raised” or based on things people tell them. I think the best answer is to know your kid. If you pay attention, and are super-patient, you’ll figure out what they need.
We went to WalMart today, and no one got hurt. Need I say more?