Valentine’s day sure is a lot of work, so it’s important to make sure it pays off. I mean, we’re all angling to get a little action at the end of the night — AM I RIGHT?
Valentine’s day sure is a lot of work–planning, restaurants, gifts, Peter Gabriel tunes, etc.–so it’s important to make sure it pays off. I mean, we’re all angling to get a little action at the end of the night–AM I RIGHT? If you’re looking for a place to go under-the-sweater-but-over-the-bra (or whatever the female equivalent for that is?) I’ve got you covered. Rather, my high school self has you covered. HE MAY HAVE SOME EXPERIENCE WITH SOME OF THESE LOCATIONS.
Maymont’s Bamboo Forest
Maymont! You’ve got cute animals, rolling hills, and lovers walking hand-in-hand. Listen, friend, the place practically exudes romance. Now, quick!, while they’re distracted by the delicate rays of light glinting off of the Japanese water pools, take them up one of the many paths into the bamboo–why do you think those paths are there anyway?
Cons: Depending on when you go, the Bamboo Forest *may* be filled with elementary school children. But honestly, they’ve all seen the Real World, right? Plus they’re so short they probably won’t figure out what you’re up to (unless you yourself are unusually short).
That’s what she said: “In bamboo the internodal regions are hollow, but the vascular bundles are scattered throughout the stem. Bamboo is capable of growing up to 60 centimeters (24 in.) or more per day.”
The balcony of the Byrd
The balcony is for the adventurous among us: usually the balcony is closed and you must SNEAK UP THERE. Illicit = HOT. Plus, the place is full of history. It’s rumored that William Byrd himself had his way with many a petticoat up there. LITERALLY. And, depending on what night you choose to be adventurous you may be able to catch a really make-out-worthy flick, like Jennifer Lopez’s Anaconda!
Cons: Well, if you get caught with your petticoat down it could be rather embarrassing. Also, the seats at the Byrd are notoriously uncomfortable and small, which may make logistics difficult.
That’s what she said: “I wish this seat weren’t so notoriously uncomfortable and small.”
On a rock in the middle of the River
There are a couple of spots in the River that just beg to be made out on; my favorite is slightly up-river from Pump House Park. The rocks are big, flat, and warm, and you’ve got a 360 degree view of the Mighty James. What beats a little action while communing with mother nature?
Cons: Ok, you never know what you’re going to see out here in the River. It’s not like I’m the first person to suggest getting it on out there. Also, be prepared for naked dudes sunning themselves like iguanas. Just saying.
That’s what she said: “The rocks are big, flat, and warm, and you’ve got a 360 degree view of the Mighty James.”
Parked in an alley in the Fan
Hey, it’s gross, it’s cramped, and it’s not all that romantic. But you know what? We’ve all got cars and the Fan’s got alleys. Sometimes your parents/roommates just won’t leave, or the moment strikes, or maybe you are just too lazy to go upstairs. Regardless, making out in the backseat of a car is a time honored tradition we should all partake in regularly. To get you started, there’s a great alley right by Balliceaux.
Cons: Most likely you aren’t going to be alone. Sure you’ve got your vagrants and whatnots, but worst case scenario is you run into your roommate and their significant other. BAM! Gift of the magi!
That’s what she said: “Let me park the car in this alley.”
The park bench at the end of Grace Street
You know the one: perched high atop Church Hill, facing west. This is the single best view in all of Richmond. If Kristen Bell showed up, new to Richmond, and needed a place to make out, this is where I would take her. Head up there at night, watch the city, and remark about the dramatic parallels between the lights and their eyes. This shit writes itself!
Cons: The only conceivable con I could come up with is that I may be up there making out right now, therefore the spot is unavailable. Sorry!
That’s what she said: “Wow, everything looks so small from up here.”
Photo by: Alex Dram