2015 gift guide for that person who, annoyingly, has everything

They might have a lot of stuff, but it’s a pretty sure bet they don’t have a Private Parts Rug.

When buying for the person who seems to have everything, you must push the limits of what is an acceptable gift by asking yourself, “Does Oprah own this?”

Beyond the swiftness of a gift card (“Buy it yourself, you filthy animal”) and pointless tchotchkes (“I saw this and thought of you”), are items that are so random while still being so useful. Below is the culmination of a shopping trip that I will happily take again. And you can bet Oprah, despite owning literally everything, has somehow missed these.

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Death Star waffle iron


The random gift that keeps on giving has landed. Revenge of the Waffle; make breakfast and brunch the most evil ever with the Death Star Waffle Iron. Family and friends will feel the pull to the Dark Side with every fork-filled bite of the battleship. WARNING: The Imperial March may play while cooking.

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Cabin Porn

$30 • Chop Suey Books

Instagram and Pinterest are not the only place to find inspirational getaways. For the person in your life that may need to move out of your apartment, plans to retire soon, or finds cabins to be something more than a place to go on the weekend, Cabin Porn is the book for them and their coffee table. To purchase this pictorial masterpiece, take a peaceful stroll to Chop Suey books in Carytown (2913 W. Cary Street).

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Fat & the Moon products

$8 – $16 • Rosewood Clothing Co.

This kind of gift is perfect for the earthling whose medicine cabinet is craving products of this sort. Each is hand-crafted from simple, all natural ingredients (and also ones that you’ve never heard of) that will make any pimple, underarm, and face feel like it made out with Mother Earth. These magical products can be found at Rosewood Clothing Co, where owner Ashley Carruthers will welcome you to her hearth for a mindful shopping experience. Favorites: Pimple Mud, Deodorant Cream, Mermaid Mask, and Face Paste.

Bonus time! If you can’t make it over to the shop, no worries. For RVANews frequenters, take 10% off when you shop at rosewoodclothingco.com with the promo code: RVANEWS.

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Illustrated Portrait by Rabbit Foot Fern Design


The person you love may have more pictures of you than they need, but do they have your mug shot, illustrated? Probably not. This is where Rabbit Foot Fern design comes in as your custom mug-shot illustrator who can really capture your essence. To order, send Molly your requests molly@rabbitfootferndesign.com. She promises to do your face justice!

Bonus! If they happen to already have your caricature from that time you went to the fair, maybe one-up the picture game by ordering a full set of stationery. Pricing varies between $35-45.

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The Poe Package

$60 • Studio Two Three

You can now have Poe in the three places you need him: your bed, your kitchen, your wall, and by your side. It’s the Poe Package! It includes a pillow case, a tea towel, a print, and a canvas tote bag, all sporting Poe’s deadpan “I see you looking at me, and don’t think I won’t pen a creepy story about you” face. To fetch yourself a Poe Package for the hoes and bros who love prose, go check out Studio Two Three’s store (3300 W. Clay Street), open Monday through Sunday, 11:00 AM – 5:00 PM. (Or just shop online like the kids do.)

Yet another bonus! For this and other gifts purchased via their website (profane Christmas cards, giant RVA Maps, RVA Map koozies), Studio Two Three is offering RVANews readers 20% off their order. What!

At checkout, use the promo code: RVAluvS23.

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The Artisan Gin Maker’s Kit


You can make your own beer, moonshine, and whisky BUT CAN YOU MAKE YOUR OWN GIN?!1 Yeah. We didn’t think so. That’s why this kit made it on the list. The chances that the person who has everything in your life has this little gem, are highly unlikely. Don’t worry, this isn’t one of those “you have to be an artisan and appreciate craft” kind of thing. Just convince the receiver of this gift to sacrifice one of their meaningless bottles of vodka to create an even tastier gin. It’s that simple and also allows you to use the hashtag, #ginning in your Instagram documentation.

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Skate Crate

$250-$350 • Roaring Pines

When a crate and a skateboard got together, the Skate Crate was born. The lucky person in your life who receives this only had one part of the equation before your gift skills came along. Crafted from Baltic birch plywood with both the handlebars and decks made from American maple, this one-of-a-kind (literally) leisure gift is sure to make your loved one giddy as they imagine flying down Main Street on one of these bad boys. To purchase, head on over to Eastern Land Collective (1837 W. Broad Street) and talk to Roaring Pines owner, Drew. If getting out of the house isn’t your thing, drop Drew a line: drew@roaringpines.com.

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Set of 4 PDX Carpet Coasters


You will look like a hip genius when you give this as a gift. Why? Because they are coasters made out of the actual iconic PDX airport carpet. This past year, the entire airport carpet was replaced, and all that remains is the original carpet now repurposed for you to give as awesome gifts. Hear that snap? Hear that clap? It’s for you and your mastery of gift giving.

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Springbok skull

$100 • Rest In Pieces

For the special someone who has too many plants and lushness going on, help balance things out in their apartment by adding a 100% authentic male Springbok skull to the décor. This skull will work perfectly against any wall, sit pretty on a table, and earn you more Pinterest followers if strategically photographed to show their love for the post-wild, post-life. To snag this skull, either follow the link above or pay Rest In Pieces a visit at 1 S. Stafford Avenue.

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Private parts rug

$264 • Need Supply Co.

We know two things about this cheeky item based on the title alone: it features no cheeks, and Oprah definitely doesn’t own this. How do we know? Because if she did, homes ’round the world would have the Private Parts Rug. Thankfully, this rug was not part of a “look under your seat!” moment. And because it wasn’t, we can give this 100% wool yarn, made in the USA, suggestive patterned rug to a trend-setting recipient who will win White Elephant instantly.

  1. We do not advise making your own spirits, as it is both illegal and dangerous! The kit mentioned here helps you turn vodka (i.e. already existing spirits) into gin, which is legal and fun! 
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Emily Gale

Emily Gale will go to Mars and Instagram the whole thing.

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