Out of shape dad
I haven’t exercised regularly in a decade, and I feel conflicted about it. I don’t enjoy running or going to the gym; it’s boring. Like brushing my teeth, body maintenance is just something I know I should be doing, but I don’t really want to.
Last weekend, my house in Northside Richmond played host to a birthday party in honor of my oldest daughter turning seven. A horde of nine 5- to 8-year-olds descended upon our domicile to play with our LEGO, read our books, and eat our tribute of chocolate cupcakes.
Most of the party, I kept vigil over the de facto “boys’ room,”1 but after the cupcakes, I led the party outside to run off the sugar. We played several tag-variants2 and Sharks and Minnows. I discovered that, while I have more endurance than a 1st grader, the 2nd graders are too much for me. Within minutes, I was achy and winded and needed to sit down.
I haven’t exercised regularly in a decade, and I feel conflicted about it. I don’t enjoy running or going to the gym; it’s boring. Like brushing my teeth, body maintenance is just something I know I should be doing, but I don’t really want to.
I definitely don’t want to exercise to punish myself, but in the back of my mind is the guilt that I need to take better care of myself so that I don’t die and miss out on my kids growing up. Less morbidly, it would be nice if I could run around with my girls without getting tired well before they do.
I’m a computer guy. I love the feeling of reformatting a hard drive and starting fresh. It gives me a sense of control in a world of chaos. I know everything that’s installed. I know where everything is. I know that if things get out of control, I can just start over again.
But, there’s no way to reformat my body. I would love a chance to start over, to be able to maintain a fitness level and habit of exercise rather than having to climb out of a deep, deep hole. A third of my life so far, I haven’t exercised. My body wants to lie down all day and stare at screens–that’s what it is used to. Without a habit of exercise, it’s harder to exercise. Never exercising makes building a habit of exercise hard.
With tiny humans in the house scheduling is already difficult, so making room to build a new habit is also hard. I definitely have the clearance from my wife Kat to take what time I need for my health, but since I’m not in a habit and don’t have a regular schedule, (and don’t really want to do it) it falls off the schedule at the first sign of trouble.
I’d probably enjoy a group activity like basketball or ultimate, but it’s so hard to get over the hump. Most people who play group sports, well… play group sports. They aren’t going to need water after five minutes and there’s no reason they should have to slow their pace down for me. Being out of shape takes most of the fun out of playing, which makes building the habit that much harder. (If someone wants to start a pick-up game exclusively for out of shape people, let me know.)
My back is sore frequently, and I should probably do yoga, but I am afraid of yoga. I tried years ago, and here was the result each time:
- Sam goes to yoga class. Tells instructor he is a total n00b.
- Instructor starts class. Attempts to help Sam with his janky body.
- Instructor realizes she can’t spend all of the class on Sam’s janky body.
- Instructor gives up trying to help Sam.
- Sam feels dejected, but understands that he cannot monopolize the instructor’s time.
This is typically the point in the column where I come up with an optimistic “I’ll try” conclusion, but I am still conflicted. Should I just accept that I’m an out of shape dad and be okay with that? Should I force myself into exercise until I brainwash myself into enjoying it? Should I build a modest habit of fitness that I do in spite of it being boring and no fun?
I don’t know what my plan is, but I will figure out a way to not feel bad about what I choose.
Photo by: W_Minshull
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You should play sqaush. It is one of the best sports in the world; you are motivated to get every ball (or try to) because you can (maybe); it is a mental sport, meaning that the more you use your head the less you have to use your body; and for me at least, it is addicting. For places to play, go to VAsquash.org. I belong to the James Center Y, and there are two courts there, and a roster of over 60 players. Give it a shot. I will personally introduce you to it, if you want, and you don’t even have to buy a racquet, I will lend you one. Don’t be a sociopath yourself, play squash.
PS – Huge pro tournament with the best players in the world coming to Richmond at end of month. Check it out.
Hello Sam. I’m sure you’ve been besieged by local fitness instructors to assist you in your quest to find an answer to your dilemma. I own a Pilates studio in the west end of Richmond. EVERYTHING that you described i not only empathize with but could help you with, if you were interested in coming in for a free session. Pilates is a low impact system of movement that focuses on proper alignment, breath, activation from deep core muscles, stretch while strengthening, and much more. An ideal option for those who sit staticallly. I specialize in bone health and spinal pathology, working with many people with back pain. Please contact me if you’re interested in coming in. Thanks
Brooke Fricke
Maybe try riding a bike? It serves as functional transportation; faster than walking, and less sweaty than running.
Let me know if you want to try DVDs. I know at-home exercise isn’t for everyone, but it worked for me because I was able to do it on my own schedule. It’s also a major timesaver, as there’s no commute involved. I have over 200 DVDs (a mix of cardio and strength work) with workouts ranging in length from 25 minutes to 1.5 hours. Some are even aimed at men! :D Good luck – I can really empathize.
Hiking – it’s free, fun, and your family can participate as well. Richmond provides some really interesting areas to explore. Check out this website: http://alltrails.com/us/virginia/richmond
The chillest group of ultimate kids around. Relaxed rules and all skill levels welcome. Not a lot going on right now but pickup will… pick up as the weather improves: https://www.facebook.com/groups/27786385339/
As a computer guy with many false starts I finally lost 70lbs using apps on my phone. Once I accepted it’s all numbers, food consumed and calories burned it became a project instead of a dreaded chore. Set reasonable milestones, find a way to measure calories and exercise. And find activities you will enjoy with some variety. Oh, brag a little with your friends, they will be suportive. Good Luck.
I hated (haaaaaated HATED) running until my doctor pushed me to take it up because of its convenience. I started loving it after a couple weeks. But! I found that listening to podcasts rather than music helped a ton–made me less aware of how much time had passed.
I love how open you are with this topic, one of which I have many thoughts and feelings.
One of the most difficult issues for me to reconcile is my own mother’s lack of interest/ability to take care of herself. I’ve struggled with resentment and loneliness in my relationship with her because her physical health kept her from being engaged with me.
Because of my personal experiences, I am grateful that you are being so thoughtful and honest.
As for tips for discovering what’s next for you….
– Many gyms have childcare, which can make it easier for you (or you and your wife) to workout (even together!)
– Also, many of our local gyms have a great variety of classes and types of exercise equipment to help you learn what you hate and what you like (BodyFlow classes are great for beginners)
– If you want to try a gym, hire a trainer and meet at least once a week for the first couple of months. (I’ve been a trainer before and I loved getting to help people in your same shoes.)
– I second what Val said: podcasts/audiobooks > music for running or walking
Also, the human body is amazing. I’ve had many experiences where my body was able to perform in a way that my mind never thought would have been possible. I believe that you can reformat your body.
As someone who is personally invested in your family, Jo’s suggestion is my favorite so far. Hiking. LET’S DO IT.
FWIW, 2 years ago I turned 40 looked at the scale and went ‘uh oh’. I started running the very next day. Two years later (65lbs and 5 marathons), I still don’t really enjoy running, but I keep at it.
That said, in the last 6 months I also added something else. Running is a lonely/isolated sport and it kept me away from the family too much. I wanted something I could do with the family.
The answer was golf. These days, once or twice a week, I will go walk 9 holes of golf with a carry/stand bag, with one of my children and occasionally my wife. Golf is an interesting activity, in that you can find family friendly courses, and when it comes to the exercise part, it works a lot of muscle groups. Walking 9 holes is roughly 2.5 – 3 miles. An average golfer will take about 45-50 swings in 9 holes, with about 24 of those coming with the putter, and the rest being full swings. A full golf swing works every major muscle group, from core to legs & arms. So you get 25 or mrs reps over a 90 minute workout, while walking at a roughly 25 minute per mile pace. During this time you are also carrying 15-18 lbs of bag and clubs. Taking the kids with you means that you also get a 90 minute window of time spent, outdoors, with your family. That time also helps teach the child a game that can be carried into adulthood, unlike so many other games. As the kids get older, you can extend that to 18 holes.
The real key is to find something that you enjoy, and can work into your schedule. Perhaps you can ride a bike to and from work. There are many good options, but sometimes you have to get outside the box to find what works for you.
And I would also add, that Richmond, much like the suburban Atlanta area I live in is both hilly and has times during the year when outside isn’t as easy, but you have great biking, hiking and golf options within easy reach.
I know a naturalist that would be happy to come along walking at any pace once in a while and help keep things a little interesting for the small ones…
Cycling (which is to say me on a ten-year-old beater of a Trek hybrid) is my preferred method, not so much for the exercise quotient, although that is not inconsequential, but more because I love the motion & speed & “wheeee” ness of it all. I used to play paintball for the same reason, because I loved the challenge and the camaraderie and the adrenaline. And again, not inconsequential exercise. Therefore, the conclusion for the proper means to motivate yourself to exercise is finding the thing you WANT to do and then doing so in such a way that it exerts you over and over.
Honestly, if I knew you well enough and we lived close enough, I’d come over and beat you with a plastic lightsaber until you decided enough was enough and fought back, three or four times a week, because I have a suspicion that you’d be quite into it. And trust me, plastic lightsaber combat, especially against multiple opponents (even when they’re 3rd grade and younger), will get your heart rate up.
Load up your ipod/iphone with all your favorite tunes and just commit to walking 45 minutes everyday. It can be done with or without family. If you can stick to it for a few weeks, it becomes a habit and you will feel like you are missing something if you don’t do it. I use that time to think about things or plan things in my head even if they are things I may never get to do. It’s amazing how one thought leads to another and before I know it, 45 minutes is over! I have acquired a new appreciation for nature just by walking and actually looking at this beautiful world. I am sure as a working husband and dad there is not a lot of time to just think or just NOT to think about anything. I try not to walk the same route in one week. A lot of the time, I drive to other neighborhoods or parks just for a change of scenery. Good Luck!
Group fitness it so much fun! Try strength training in a group with Les Mills classes! You have an open invitation to come try Body Pump with me at Gold’s Laburnum anytime.
Just so a little something everyday. Society leads you to believe that you need to go kill yourself in a gym or spend 150 bucks a month on a yoga emebership. Bullocks. Just get out, go for a walk, take a silly class at a gym. Whatever it is as men grow older it is time to let the competitive attitude go and do exercises that are fun and easy on the joints. I love yoga but I do it at home via free podcasts. It is a great form of exercise ruined by people that try to turn it into a business. All you need is a 2×6 foot space and 45 minutes. Remember just have a bit of fun and don’t get all wrapped up in the work out crazy society we live in.
Totally agree, K-man. It’s truly just about moving and not sitting. Even standing up every few minutes while you’re working will help. Fitness goals are great but just not sitting is more important than anything for your health.
I’m sure you’re sick of recommendations, but do you have a dog? Is your family interested in ever getting one? I’m not saying get a dog JUST to exercise, because obviously it’s a HUGE commitment, but if you were already thinking of it, it’s a way to motivate you & I find walking the dog to be really enjoyable. Not the *only* fitness thing to take up, but my dogs definitely keep me more active than I would be otherwise (and I say this as a fellow computer-dweller)