Robot Hearts: He said, He said
Bar Dude and Normal Dude face off in a special “Susan’s On Vacation” edition of Robot Hearts.
A note from our guest Robot Heart, Justin Morgan: This week, Susan takes a well-deserved break from breaking apart hearts and films to cavort dionysianly in the booze-drenched deep south. As pretty much the least robot-hearted person in Richmond, I’ve been inserted into the Robot Hearts lineup mostly I think because the RVANews editors want to see whether Jack and I writing an article together causes the server to explode. Also don’t forget to join us Saturday from 4-9 for the Robot Hearts Happy Hour being hosted by Cha Cha’s Cantina and Jack himself (he’s actually a pretty nice guy in person…when he’s sober).
Question #1
I just got out of a medium-length relationship. As a regular Robot Hearts reader, I know better than to get immediately tied up into a lot of commitment with someone new. I don’t want to be super lonely though. I just think it would be good to do a little casual dating.
But I don’t meet many girls and I am kind of shy. Can Robot Hearts teach me how to talk to women?
-“Craig” in Carytown
Justin: Well, Craig, I can assure you immediately that you’ve come to either the very best or the absolute worst place for this advice. Plus, unlike Jack, who is a super good looking, extroverted, 6’10” bartender, I’m just a normal everyday dude. Can I call Jack good-looking on the internet? I mean, we’re all secure in our manhoods over here at RVANews, right?
No, Craig, you and I are practically brothers, here: normal, real men, men who don’t have hot women putting bar tips in our jeans every night and who need real girl-chatting advice that doesn’t boil down, like most dating-advice on the internet, to “be extroverted”. Here are my tips, all from personal experience:
1) Don’t ask a girl who just walked empty handed out of a store if she just shoplifted something. She will scowl at you and say “No!” and walk away. I tried this once.
2) Do initiate normal conversations, not creepy jokes and pick-up lines. For example, “Are you ticklish?” is not a good question to use on someone you haven’t met I have found.
3) Don’t fall in love immediately. I have no idea if this helps you with women, I just know that it protects you from disappointment, particularly if you’ve had more than one of those super dark beers they have over at Ipanema.
What do you think, Jack? I swear if you tell ol’ Craig to “be himself” while giving him advice that clearly causes him to deviate drastically from his personality I will leave a sternly-worded comment.
Jack: Damn Justin, it’s difficult to make fun of you when you say such nice things about me, but I will anyways. While it helps that I’m 7’3”, extroverted and I work at a busy bar that many many girls frequent, it certainly doesn’t guarantee anything.
Craig, I’m not going to sit here and give you the whole spiel about joining clubs, doing new activities, etc. I’m also not going to list cutesy little tips for you like some other dating column writers would do, cough cough, Justin Morgan, cough. The only thing you can do to start meeting women is….drumroll….
Just walk up and start talking to her.
That’s it. Then when you see another girl, you do the same, and then again, and again, and again. You will never just become good with women, or meet the willowy brunette you have a crush on at the party, if you don’t just suck it up and risk getting rejected. Lucky for you and Justin though, the law of averages says that eventually a girl will take pity on you and BOOM! You got the girl.
Richmond is also an easy place to meet women because very few non-drunken assholes will actually approach women. Go to a large city and you have about 30 self-proclaimed “pick-up artists” in every bar.
Justin: Yeah, but what do you say? “H-H-Hi?” “Your eyes are pretty?” “Do you like science fiction?” Like do you go immediately for the I-think-you’re-hot kill, or do you hang back and pretend to be normal for a while?
Also, that’s not how the Law of Averages works. You see, Jack, [Editor’s note: 2,300 words about math are removed. You’re welcome.]
Jack: Justin, refuting my Law of Averages and mentioning SciFi in your response makes me wonder if you are not actually this “Craig” we’re trying to help out. Nevertheless, there is no magic pick up formula. Just say “Hi” and grin like an idiot. This approach hasn’t failed me yet (except for the 113 times it has, in fact, failed me).
Question #2
I’m a 26 year old male and I’ve been seeing a girl (who is 25) for about 4 months now. At first I thought she had real girlfriend potential, but after about a month and a half I came to see that the only thing I really enjoyed about her was the mind-blowing sex we were having. She looks at me with love her in her eyes, and I look at her with nothing but lust in mine. It’s gotten to the point that I can barely listen to her incessant babbling without visibly cringing, yet I can’t break up with her because I’m addicted to the sex. Is it possible to end the “relationship” part and still retain the sex? If so, how does the RoboHeart team recommend doing it?
-“Vagmatized” in Shockoe Slip, Richmond VA.
Jack: The good news is that it can be done. The bad news is, depending on her level of emotions for you, it probably won’t be easy. The obvious method is to be honest and to tell her that you aren’t ready for a relationship with her, but that you love the sex and that you would really like to continue coming over and slapping hams for about 20 to 30 minutes every week. I’d say half the girls who hear this will act like they don’t mind and they’ll say that they “weren’t all that into you anyways” in an effort to save face. They will then continue sleeping with you under the delusion that they can win back your love. The other half will probably flat out refuse to keep this arrangement. That’s when you may have to take an admittedly, somewhat dishonest route to achieving your goal. There are a million different stories, or “lies” (although lets try not to use that word), that you can tell her, but here’s what you do. Sit her down and say…
“I (insert fabricated “tough” relationship and/or life story here), and while I still want nothing more than to be with you, I need to do a lot of soul-searching in the next few months. I have to explore some things on my own for a bit.”
Be tough yet gentle. To her you are now a troubled soul with a heart of gold. Kiss her on the forehead, dry her eye and walk away.
The door is now open for at least fifteen drunken 2 AM booty calls. Of course none of this will end well, but nothing concerning sex and deceptiveness ever does anyways. Just try not to think of the long term mental damage you’re doing to this poor girl. Justin, since I’m assuming they brought you in to give the girl’s point of view this week, what frilly-laced, non-real world advice do you have?
Justin: I can’t tell whether to be offended or to be offended. First of all, slapping what now?
Jack: Hams.
Justin: Let’s just move on. Second of all, if the girl in question is gazing with love into our friend’s eyes, she needs to be cut 100% loose. It’s better to put the relationship out of its poor, limping misery than to try to keep it going in some sort of machine-assisted parody of life. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time looking for someone you can actually talk to than painfully struggling through uncomfortable interactions just so you can do something dishonest?
I say such things, but I don’t really know how to “spend time looking for someone” in practice. Let me, therefore, translate into real world English: wouldn’t you rather be lonely after taking a principled stand against manipulating women? I know I would.
Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Check out past columns at Robot Hearts, and keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth.
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Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
I like Justin.
“…none of this will end well, but nothing concerning sex and deceptiveness ever does anyways.”
Never underestimate the power of denial Jack.
I like…. cake.
yes. i like justin too.
Dear Justin:
Um, hi, um, I was reading your column, and just wanted to say, um, that I think your nose is cute? Oh god, no. Um, well, you know, I just saw you on the Internet today, and well, I was wondering if maybe, um, you’d meet me for a dark beer and some sternly-worded commentary? Oh, delete, ctrl-Z, undo. Sorry, kidding. God, I suck.
Hi?
Yeah, Justin and Jack make a cute couple. Susan should go on vacation more often.
To “Vagmatized”: I have to agree with Justin’s advice to cut her loose. Whether or not you decide you’re acting out of “principles” or whatever, can the sex really be good enough that you can ignore the fact that her speaking makes you cringe? That will wear on you, man. There are other hot, less babbly girls.
I once met a girl in a bar by simply asking her if its “always this hard to get a drink in this bar?” after a failed attempts to get the bartender’s attention. She helped me by flagging the guy down, so I offered her a drink. The rest… nevermind–it is none of your business.
So its not that hard to talk to girls, even if you are shy. She could have rejected me by simply ignoring me, and I would’ve thought my comment fell upon deaf ears. But I opened the door and she walked through it.
Saying hi and grinning like an idiot is better than doing nothing at all. But you should probably follow that “hi” up with a few other words. We want to know that you aren’t really creepy or autistic.
Although after some of the clowns (here in Richmond!!) I’ve gone out with recently, autism isn’t neccessarily a deal-breaker.
Jack, when you’re writing, do you have your walkman headphones on, listening to Chris DeBergh’s “Lady In Red” at full blast while simultaneously filling in the NY Times crossword puzzle with only the words “meat” and “bone”? I would imagine this is probably how you write.
Well aren’t you boys cute. I almost enjoy Justin and Jacks bantering as much as I do Susan and Jacks. So Craig just drop the shy shit all together. I’ll have to agree with Jack on this one, get out there and just talk to some chicks. Get yourself going, tell yourself you’re fucking money and just talk to them. Don’t worry about getting rejected, there’s always going to be girls (like me) who are nice and will engage in conversation whether they are interested or not. And I will be looking forward to Susan’s return so I can talk to someone about these intense fantasies about the fine men of True Blood I have been having so bad this week.
Sarah, I love the gentlemen of True Blood as well.
Aslo, Tim Bryce is now my favorite person.
Ladies, ladies. Please. You’re way too kind. Susan taught me everything I know.
Anne: See, I don’t know why that isn’t appealing to girls. It would sure be adorable to me if a girl said something like that in real life.
(P.S. I will be at Cha Cha’s on Saturday maybe you should stop by and give it a shot.)
Bryce, I have a question for you.
Do you like Phil Collins? I’ve been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn’t understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins’ presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group’s undisputed masterpiece. It’s an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don’t you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I’ve heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins’ solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don’t just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.
Now let’s take out shirts off and flex in the mirror while we record ourselves with two hookers. Whaatttya say???
Jack
Am I going to walk around and rip your ——- lights down, in the middle of a scene? —– sake man, you’re amateur.
First guy – There are always chances to meet girls, just keep your eyes open and look for your in. A funny comment, a kind gesture, or even just a hey, I’m so and so. Girls like normal guys, I think. I’m probably wrong.
Second guy – I’ve seen it done. But it will take some, no all of your cunning. If your not slick like that I would just break it off. Jack is currently writing a manual on this, to be published late 2009.
I have given myself a challenge. To sum up what would have been my responses in seven words for each question. I’d do more but I don’t have time, considering I am on what Justin apparently perceives as a vacation, even after I called him furiously last night to complain about work over the din of trombone players on the street:
1. Meet women through activities. There’s your material.
2. You are a walking stereotype. Congrats, douchebag!
Also I would like to point out that I believe Justin and I are both going to be at the super rad Robot Hearts Happy Hour on 2/14, so you can all come and decide who you like better in person. OR maybe you decide you like us better than Jack and we reduce his role to pouring us free drink while we chat over quesadillas?
Robot Hearts and movie reviews are my favorite parts of rvanews.
my thoughts? and i am no justin or jack or susan…
1. confidence is not extrovertism. this might sound bad, but most women want men they think are “better” (smarter, more creative, more apt to successfully kill wild animals, etc.). talk to a girl while understanding that you are totally smarter than she is and that she is lucky she is talking to you bc you could be talking to someone more on your level. yes, i know how bad this sounds. just do it.
2. not going to happen. it’s a very rare girl (although the numbers are increasing) who is emotionally unattached enough from sex (like guys are) to just go for the pleasure of sex thing alone for any length of time. go find someone who works for you on both levels.
Justin, your tips on picking up women were cute, but they helped to clarify the name of your blog. FYI, Craig–girls like confidence (see comments re: Jack’s success with women. There’s no other explanation but his confidence, although in his case I’d probably refer to it as an absurdly-inflated ego). Even if you go home every night alone and cuddle with a life-size stuffed Yoda, as far as that girl across the bar knows, you are THE MAN. Put away your nerves and make some power moves.
And Mr. “Vagmatized”–take Jack’s well-thought-out advice if you dare (since I have no doubt your gut is to go with the guy who thinks with his package), but I foresee awful things if you do. Like perhaps a stalker/crazy ex-girlfriend in your future.
Justin! What happened to Awkward Things I Say To Girls?? You just left everyone hanging!! At least write one last wrapping-it-up ending for everyone..
I agree with Charli. Justin you totally have to finish the story at Awkward Things I Say To Girls. Its an entertaining read that brings back all the fun painful memories of times I’ve made similar mistakes.
I agree with Charli and Matt, Awkward Things I Say To Girls makes me unreasonably happy, please keep going! I miss it. Lots and lots.
I also concur with Charli, Matt and Lisa, please sir can we have some more.. HCE? I fell upon your site quite by accident, and stayed up practically all night reading it through thoroughly enjoying it, but it’s like an addiction and I must find out the ending, I’m starting to have withdrawl symptoms!! I have been doing searches to find out what happened to ATISTG and found a spot to voice myself here, so hopefully the story will continue soon, all the best.
*fixed spelling error
Justin- please go back to ATISTG and write a goodbye note if you are done there. It’s been quite some time and your readers need closure. Thanks very much for your work.
What Grumpy said. It’s horrible reading an unfinished masterpiece. Justin, please go back to your blog….