Robot Hearts: He said, He said

Bar Dude and Normal Dude face off in a special “Susan’s On Vacation” edition of Robot Hearts.

February 10, 2009; 8:00 AM • by Jack Lauterback

A note from our guest Robot Heart, Justin Morgan: This week, Susan takes a well-deserved break from breaking apart hearts and films to cavort dionysianly in the booze-drenched deep south. As pretty much the least robot-hearted person in Richmond, I’ve been inserted into the Robot Hearts lineup mostly I think because the RVANews editors want to see whether Jack and I writing an article together causes the server to explode. Also don’t forget to join us Saturday from 4-9 for the Robot Hearts Happy Hour being hosted by Cha Cha’s Cantina and Jack himself (he’s actually a pretty nice guy in person…when he’s sober).

Question #1

I just got out of a medium-length relationship. As a regular Robot Hearts reader, I know better than to get immediately tied up into a lot of commitment with someone new. I don’t want to be super lonely though. I just think it would be good to do a little casual dating.

But I don’t meet many girls and I am kind of shy. Can Robot Hearts teach me how to talk to women?

-“Craig” in Carytown

Justin: Well, Craig, I can assure you immediately that you’ve come to either the very best or the absolute worst place for this advice. Plus, unlike Jack, who is a super good looking, extroverted, 6’10” bartender, I’m just a normal everyday dude. Can I call Jack good-looking on the internet? I mean, we’re all secure in our manhoods over here at RVANews, right?

No, Craig, you and I are practically brothers, here: normal, real men, men who don’t have hot women putting bar tips in our jeans every night and who need real girl-chatting advice that doesn’t boil down, like most dating-advice on the internet, to “be extroverted”. Here are my tips, all from personal experience:

1) Don’t ask a girl who just walked empty handed out of a store if she just shoplifted something. She will scowl at you and say “No!” and walk away. I tried this once.

2) Do initiate normal conversations, not creepy jokes and pick-up lines. For example, “Are you ticklish?” is not a good question to use on someone you haven’t met I have found.

3) Don’t fall in love immediately. I have no idea if this helps you with women, I just know that it protects you from disappointment, particularly if you’ve had more than one of those super dark beers they have over at Ipanema.

What do you think, Jack? I swear if you tell ol’ Craig to “be himself” while giving him advice that clearly causes him to deviate drastically from his personality I will leave a sternly-worded comment.

Jack: Damn Justin, it’s difficult to make fun of you when you say such nice things about me, but I will anyways. While it helps that I’m 7’3”, extroverted and I work at a busy bar that many many girls frequent, it certainly doesn’t guarantee anything.

Craig, I’m not going to sit here and give you the whole spiel about joining clubs, doing new activities, etc. I’m also not going to list cutesy little tips for you like some other dating column writers would do, cough cough, Justin Morgan, cough. The only thing you can do to start meeting women is….drumroll….

Just walk up and start talking to her.

That’s it. Then when you see another girl, you do the same, and then again, and again, and again. You will never just become good with women, or meet the willowy brunette you have a crush on at the party, if you don’t just suck it up and risk getting rejected. Lucky for you and Justin though, the law of averages says that eventually a girl will take pity on you and BOOM! You got the girl.

Richmond is also an easy place to meet women because very few non-drunken assholes will actually approach women. Go to a large city and you have about 30 self-proclaimed “pick-up artists” in every bar.

Justin: Yeah, but what do you say? “H-H-Hi?” “Your eyes are pretty?” “Do you like science fiction?” Like do you go immediately for the I-think-you’re-hot kill, or do you hang back and pretend to be normal for a while?

Also, that’s not how the Law of Averages works. You see, Jack, [Editor’s note: 2,300 words about math are removed. You’re welcome.]

Jack: Justin, refuting my Law of Averages and mentioning SciFi in your response makes me wonder if you are not actually this “Craig” we’re trying to help out. Nevertheless, there is no magic pick up formula. Just say “Hi” and grin like an idiot. This approach hasn’t failed me yet (except for the 113 times it has, in fact, failed me).

Question #2

I’m a 26 year old male and I’ve been seeing a girl (who is 25) for about 4 months now. At first I thought she had real girlfriend potential, but after about a month and a half I came to see that the only thing I really enjoyed about her was the mind-blowing sex we were having. She looks at me with love her in her eyes, and I look at her with nothing but lust in mine. It’s gotten to the point that I can barely listen to her incessant babbling without visibly cringing, yet I can’t break up with her because I’m addicted to the sex. Is it possible to end the “relationship” part and still retain the sex? If so, how does the RoboHeart team recommend doing it?

-“Vagmatized” in Shockoe Slip, Richmond VA.

Jack: The good news is that it can be done. The bad news is, depending on her level of emotions for you, it probably won’t be easy. The obvious method is to be honest and to tell her that you aren’t ready for a relationship with her, but that you love the sex and that you would really like to continue coming over and slapping hams for about 20 to 30 minutes every week. I’d say half the girls who hear this will act like they don’t mind and they’ll say that they “weren’t all that into you anyways” in an effort to save face. They will then continue sleeping with you under the delusion that they can win back your love. The other half will probably flat out refuse to keep this arrangement. That’s when you may have to take an admittedly, somewhat dishonest route to achieving your goal. There are a million different stories, or “lies” (although lets try not to use that word), that you can tell her, but here’s what you do. Sit her down and say…

“I (insert fabricated “tough” relationship and/or life story here), and while I still want nothing more than to be with you, I need to do a lot of soul-searching in the next few months. I have to explore some things on my own for a bit.”

Be tough yet gentle. To her you are now a troubled soul with a heart of gold. Kiss her on the forehead, dry her eye and walk away.

The door is now open for at least fifteen drunken 2 AM booty calls. Of course none of this will end well, but nothing concerning sex and deceptiveness ever does anyways. Just try not to think of the long term mental damage you’re doing to this poor girl. Justin, since I’m assuming they brought you in to give the girl’s point of view this week, what frilly-laced, non-real world advice do you have?

Justin: I can’t tell whether to be offended or to be offended. First of all, slapping what now?

Jack: Hams.

Justin: Let’s just move on. Second of all, if the girl in question is gazing with love into our friend’s eyes, she needs to be cut 100% loose. It’s better to put the relationship out of its poor, limping misery than to try to keep it going in some sort of machine-assisted parody of life. Wouldn’t you rather spend your time looking for someone you can actually talk to than painfully struggling through uncomfortable interactions just so you can do something dishonest?

I say such things, but I don’t really know how to “spend time looking for someone” in practice. Let me, therefore, translate into real world English: wouldn’t you rather be lonely after taking a principled stand against manipulating women? I know I would.

Would you like to be similarly fulfilled?? Send your relationship questions to robothearts@rvanews.com and start the argument. Check out past columns at Robot Hearts, and keep tabs on Jack at Jack Goes Forth.