Richmond Proper: On how far a girl may run after a man (and vice versa)

In the 1946 edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette there is a section entitled “How Far May a Girl Run After a Man?” When I saw this heading, on its yellowed page with its thick, black type, I felt suddenly cheated. You mean I didn’t have to go through all those years of self-doubt, disappointment, and embarrassment? You mean I could have just read etiquette books?!?!

March 9, 2010; 6:00 AM • by Tess Shebaylo

“Never make someone your priority when they only make you their option.”
— unknown

In the 1946 edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette there is a section entitled “How Far May a Girl Run After a Man?” When I saw this heading, on its yellowed page with its thick, black type, I felt suddenly cheated. You mean I didn’t have to go through all those years of self-doubt, disappointment, and embarrassment? You mean I could have just read etiquette books?!?!

Yes, friends, it’s true. This is a question that’s been fleshed out ad nauseum by tons of hit books and movies, an entire arm of the $10 billion self-help industry, and of course, psychiatrists the world over. Perhaps you’ve mused about it, lamented over it, and tortured yourself with related blunders. Perhaps you’re the one spending the $10 billion on the self-help books. So it will come as a shock to know that it was right here all along, in this little blue volume in the “used books” section.

Now of course I don’t pretend that a few lines in an old etiquette manual can solve some of love’s biggest conundrums quickly and cleanly. It never is quick and it never is clean. If that were possible, all America would be walking the streets enjoying the weather in carefree self-assuredness. On the contrary, it seems like Making Oneself Ridiculous has become a national pastime, and that when pursuing an unwilling party in romance, nobody knows quite when to quit. Our friends in the etiquette business have been here all along, ready to comment on the issue with infinite wisdom and finesse:

“The freedom of today allows her to go to meet him halfway, but the girl who runs, runs after a man who runs faster.”
— Emily Post

“Through their teenage-hood, most people are testing their desirability by aiming high, which they define as being someone who can afford to treat them badly.  A few seem to be born with the maturity to realize what a dumb standard this is, some wise up after years of disillusionment and some never do, but the average person should catch on in early adulthood.”
— Judith Martin

“Miss Manners has no objection to a lady’s initiating a social engagement, provided she does so in the dignified, straightforward way that ladies have always appreciated in gentlemen.  This means that one suggests a specific date and activity, and is gracious if it is declined.  After three separate refusals, one stops asking…. Why is it, then, that a lady who knows what it is to be pestered with unwanted attentions does not know how to shrug and accept fate when her advances do not meet with success?”
— Judith Martin

“A commitment is made when both people want certainty. Pressing an unwilling person to make a commitment is giving that person the certainty without extracting it. It thereby removes his incentive of securing certainty by giving it freely.”
— Judith Martin

“In close relationships, people too often make the mistake of assuming that their own feelings are shared. She assumes that because she isn’t seeing anyone else, he isn’t either — until she sees him with another woman…. Taking another person’s feelings for granted violates the fundamental principles of respect and consideration.”
— Peggy Post

“One who bounds in pursuit, like a puppy let loose, has lost the prize at the start.”
— Emily Post

I can hear the “that’s-easy-for-you-to-say”s and the “but-we’re-so-perfect-together-he-just-hasn’t-realized-it”s already. And believe me, I understand. It is likely that I have made myself ridiculous many more times than you have, running after who knows how many uninterested gentlemen because I was convinced each was “the one.” I was raised, just like the rest of us, in Romantic Optimism Land, where if you just believe hard enough, your true love will be yours. And if your true love is not yours, you’re JUST NOT BELIEVING HARD ENOUGH.

Friends, I tell you this isn’t true. Love is wonderful, but it is the product of two people who are equally (or nearly equally) into each other. Ultimately, bending over backwards to pursue an uninterested party is like admitting that you’re worth nothing, and that you ought to insinuate yourself into the life of someone who can’t accommodate you. It’s an insult to your friends and family who love you, and to the many other fascinating interests that could be blossoming in your life if you’d just let it go. Ask yourself: “Why would I want to force my way into someone else’s life?” The answer is: you shouldn’t have to.

Now read those quotes above again. Deep down, you know that what they say is right. The real issue, of course, is whether you’re ready to accept it.

March 9, 2010 6:00 AM 6