Richmond Proper: On compliments
The art of paying a simple compliment is in decline and may become extinct if we do not address the issue immediately. Never fear! The pen of Richmond Proper is prepared, as always, to deliver sweet justice to the faithful and gentle conviction to the rude.
“Some rudeness comes clothed in kid gloves. The perfect example is the back-handed compliment.”
— Peggy Post
The art of paying a simple compliment is in decline and may become extinct if we do not address the issue immediately. Never fear! The pen of Richmond Proper is prepared, as always, to deliver sweet justice to the faithful and gentle conviction to the rude.
It’s very common for a person to start out trying to pay a compliment and end up delivering a self-esteem-shattering insult. In these situations, it’s best to assume that the insulter had good intentions and to break the cycle of tackiness by responding graciously. Most of the time when a mature adult receives one of these thinly-veiled insults, she resists the urge to stare back in horror and instead just says “Why thank you! You’re too kind.”
Let’s examine how to avoid being the bearer of these fake compliments with a few examples.
NO: “It’s nice to meet you finally. You are so much prettier than your picture!”
YES: “It’s nice to meet you finally.”
NO: “You look great! Have you lost weight?”
YES: “You look great!”
NO: “I really love your hair today. It looks so much better when you wear it this way!”
YES: “I really love your hair today.”
NO: “The food is delicious. I never would have guessed you were such a great cook!”
YES: “The food is delicious.”
Even if you were just skimming (busted!), you must have noticed a pattern here. In the bad examples, it’s always the second sentence that takes away the sincerity of the first sentence. Let’s look into these offending sentences a little closer.
“You are so much prettier than your picture!” implies that there is some hideous picture of this person floating around the universe. NEVER imply such a thing.
“Have you lost weight?” implies that you must have lost weight, since you couldn’t possibly look great if you hadn’t.
“It looks so much better when you wear it this way!” implies that on the 967 days that the insulter saw you previous to the debut of your new hairstyle, he detested your hair and wished desperately for it to change.
“I never would have guessed you were such a great cook!” implies that it would be very unlikely for you to be good at something, which explains why the insulter is so shocked.
Most of the time, you can avoid giving a back-handed compliment by simply shortening your speech. Cut out all the qualifying filler and get back down to the only part that’s really necessary — the actual compliment. Your compliment doesn’t need a lot of explaining or bulking up. It can stand very well on its own.
“The secure person has no trouble paying a compliment. It’s the insecure person who finds it difficult to praise others.”
— The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette
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Tess Shebaylo
Tess Shebaylo is a freelance writer, crafter, history geek, and compulsive organizer. She works at Tumblr and lives in Church Hill with her daughter, Morella.
Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
I’d love to hear some of your stories of back-handed compliments. I’ll start. I’ve seen some ugly ones lately.
For example, a work colleague of mine smiled widely and said “Wow, you’re here early this morning!”
I said “Thanks, yeah I usually try to get some things done before the chaos starts.”
She said “I’m surprised anybody YOUR AGE is awake before noon! Ha ha ha.”
I ignored her…this is like the 92nd time she’s made remarks about people “my age.” Hey, I’m almost 30 years old and I’ve been perfectly able to wake up on time since the age of 13. It’s not my fault that your 21-year-old daughter still needs you to do her call her to wake her up every morning.
My boss piped up from the other room: “Tess is almost ALWAYS early, actually.”
WIN.
Hello! I love how you have decided to help keep the lowly compliment from becoming extinct. I agree with you that many people give back-handed compliments often unintentionally. Yet this thinly disguised jab is definitely far from a real compliment. The backhanded-ness comes from a “pie” mentality, meaning if someone gets more, then I get less. True compliments come from the “ocean” mentality, meaning there is more than enough to go around.
It’s hard not to fall to the level of the insult sometimes, but I love your suggestion to “keep it short” and on target!
Check out my website for more compliments details and my upcoming book, http://www.complimentquotient.com
Monica, you are a girl after my own heart. I had no idea that there was a whole curriculum based around compliments, but it makes total sense. They’re a big deal. Thanks for the link.