Raising Richmond: When to tell people…
So you probably heard that Prince William and his lovely wife Kate are expecting a baby. Wait! Don’t go! I promise, I’m not here to gush over what is surely to be the most dignified, classy, and incredibly well dressed infant of all time. I bring them up because…well…I kind of feel bad for the Duchess and Duke right now.
So you probably heard that Prince William and his lovely wife Kate are expecting a baby.
Wait! Don’t go! I promise, I’m not here to squeal and gush over what is surely to be the most dignified, classy, and incredibly well dressed infant (possibly person) of all time. I like to save all that jazz for Twitter or Gchat, so hit me up if you’re interested in partaking in a lot of joyful SHOUTING and the gratuitous use of Emojis.
I bring them up because…well…I kind of feel bad for the Duchess and Duke of Cambridge right now.
Obviously not because they’re having a baby.1 And also not just because her every vom is subject to public scrutiny, or that their pregnancy announcement will likely forever be connected to a woman taking her own life.
In case you hadn’t heard, a couple of DJs from an Australian radio station placed a prank call to King Edward VII Hospital where Kate was receiving treatment for hyperemesis gravidarum in an attempt to get the scoop on her condition. By pretending to by Prince Charles and the Queen, they convinced nurse Jacintha Saldanha to transfer their call through to another nurse caring directly for Kate. A few days after these dopes shared a recording of the call—thus attracting attention across the globe–Ms. Saldanha was found dead from an apparent suicide.2 I know.
While those are undoubtedly horrible things to deal with, I can’t help but feel for them for another, more personal reason. According to reports,3 Kate and William only announced the pregnancy because her condition required hospitalization; she’s not even 12 weeks along, AKA the point in time when many women decide it’s safe to starting “telling people.”
In some respects, disclosing what is ultimately very happy news was probably the right move for the couple. I mean, can you imagine the rabid speculation if they hadn’t? Spilling the beans likely spared Kate and William from fighting off rumors of nervous breakdowns or eating disorders or drug use or whatever else people might have otherwise assumed.
Ugh, but still. Early pregnancy is such an emotionally charged time; it’s terrifying and thrilling, sweet and scary. And considering how increasingly intrusive people become as your pregnancy progresses, it saddens me to think that any woman would have to bring other people into that experience before she really, really wants to.
— ∮∮∮ —
Five years ago (this coming March), I stood in a bathroom stall at my old office building out in the West End4 and watched the second of two pink lines enthusiastically pop up on a First Response pregnancy test.
“OMG.”
Hand to God, that’s what I actually said. I’m not proud, but there it is.
I quickly tucked the test into my bag, hightailed it to my office, and shut the door.
And there I sat. Lights off. Computer humming. Clock ticking.
And I sat.
And sat.
And sat a little bit more.
Sure, my lack of movement was partly due to shock; I mean, it’s quite sobering when you want something for your entire life and it actually happens. But more than anything, I wanted to do everything I could to preserve that moment.
Right then and there, I was the only person in the entire world who knew that baby existed. No one else had a clue—not my husband, not my friends, not family, no one. For that brief moment in time, it was just me and the baby…and it was incredible. Intimate. Sacred in a way.5 I knew it was a feeling I would have exactly once in my life—the first moments after finding out I was becoming a mother for the first time6—and I wanted to soak in it for at least a little while.
Of course, within the hour I’d called my husband7 and alerted a couple friends via IMs consisting of the words “Two liiiiiiiines!!!!!!” We told our families and close friends over the next couple days. I cracked and shared the news with my boss and co-workers soon thereafter, mostly because the idea of hiding morning sickness wasn’t too appealing.
Things were made “official”, I suppose, once I shared the news with the Internets right after my first OB appointment; I was just over nine weeks along at that point. Sure, we opted to fill people in earlier than others might have, but it was our call to make and our news to share. And it was done on our terms.
That’s how it should be (or, at least, how I wish it could be) for every woman, for every couple, regardless of circumstances–royalty, celebrity, or just a regular lady peeing on a pregnancy test in some random office park bathroom.
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I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. When and how did you tell people you were expecting? Were any of you forced (due to illness or gossipy friends and family) to share the news earlier than you hoped? And while we’re at it, should public figures expect to lose the right to privacy on these sorts of things?
— ∮∮∮ —
Footnotes
- See previous mentions of SHOUTING and Emoji-use. ↩
- Granted, no official statement has been made declaring Saldanha’s suicide a direct result of this prank call, but one can imagine that the public mockery this poor woman endured would drive most people to extremes. ↩
- I have a friend who was locked and loaded with the perfect response to strangers unable to resist the urge to touch her pregnant belly: she couldn’t wait to just reach out and pat theirs in return. ↩
- It was 10:30 in the morning. When I did the math and realized I might be pregnant AT THAT VERY MOMENT, I had no choice but sneak out to Kroger that very minute and buy a test. I’m lucky I didn’t get fired. ↩
- My husband’s robot heart is bleeping all over the place right now. “DOES NOT COMPUTER AROOOOGAH AROOOGAH POWER DOWN ERRRRRRNNNN…BOOP.” ↩
- That’s not to say that I would feel any less excited should we ever get pregnant again, but, well, firsts are firsts. ↩
- His response was, “That’s great! Ok, I’m in a meeting, can I call you back in a sec?” Before you get huffy on my behalf, just know that this is how we do things. Right after we got married, our first words to each other were, “Hey! How’s your day been?” So it was perfect. ↩
Photo by: LE▲H.nicor
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I told my parents at eight or ten weeks, and my dad made vague references to it on Facebook that my aunt picked up on and then she congratulated me on Facebook, and it forced me to tell my extended family earlier than I wanted. That sounds really petty now but it was the worst thing back then. If I have another baby I am not going to tell my family until his/her first birthday party.
I’m fairly certain Robby will have a similar reaction as Ross’ whenever we have our first hobbit baby… Thank you for pre-normalizing that for me!
For my first we waited until 10 weeks to tell our parents. After the fact, my mom mentioned she didn’t understand the not telling, because if something tragic happened, wouldn’t we want/need the support of family? That made sense so we told parents and close friends shortly after we found out about the second. We waited until 12 weeks to tell the world via the Internet.
(Much like Ross, my husband’s response to my telling him I was pregnant with our second was, “I know.” All nonchalant like. I just shook my head at him and sighed.)
We told our parents at 6 weeks after our first OB appointment, and other family and friends at 12 weeks. There are lots of loose lips in my family so I couldn’t take any chances. We didn’t make an official Facebook or other media-related announcement either, so it’s possible some people still don’t know.
With our first, we told our families at about 8 weeks because my husband’s parents were visiting us, and with our families spread across four states, it was our only opportunity to tell family in person. (We visited my husband’s brother and friends in his hometown when we were just 6 weeks pregnant and didn’t share the news.) We had just gotten a new video camera – my husband’s first purchase for the baby – so we recorded our announcement. We didn’t come right out and say “we’re pregnant” but told them in a way that worked with the situation and you can see the moment the realization hits. We love that we captured the reaction and can share it with the kids. With our second, we waited for the 12-week mark.
I told a few select friends and co-workers very early on because I was barfing every day all the time and needed to either vent, get advice, or have someone cover for me when I ran out of meetings to barf. And barf some more. Our kiddo was not planned and was a total shock, so until I was excited about it or at least comfortable with the idea, I wanted to wait to tell anyone else. My husband apparently told every stranger he encountered during that time, bartenders, bookstore clerks, drugstore employees, etc. He may have mentioned this to me but I was too busy to notice. Busy with the barfing.
We told our families after it was “safe” because my fam has a history of difficult early pregnancies and after making our parents wait 10 years for grandkids, we didn’t want to have to deal with their sadness as well as our own if something happened.
I feel so sorry for Kate. I was so sick for almost the entire nine months and it is just so awful. To be REALLY sick on top of that, plus having the most watched uterus on the planet….that’s gotta be rough. I know she knew what she signed up for, but still. It’s misery when it’s private, so I can’t imagine how awful it is to be public figures.
My first pregnancy I told a few select friends and my sister the moment I found out. I too was in the bathroom at work. I told one co-worker. That night I drove to my son’s father’s house to tell him. Over the weekend I told my parents (face to face,) and I believe I waited until the end of the first trimester to tell the world.
My second pregnancy was different. Still just as joyous, but not the same urge to scream it from the rooftops. I told a few Richmond folks and those people who would notice my growing belly around 12 weeks. I told the internet after we found out the sex of the baby. This time around it was nice to cherish some private baby time before people started touching my belly and asking the same million questions over an over. My son told his entire school upon arrival after the first ultra sound appointment. He was just over the moon.
It’s such a personal thing and considering the risks I think it’s important to let public figures have the say in when things get told. Nobody knows the medical truth of a situation, and someone who’s pregnant could be happily-so….or they could be enduring a complicated pregnancy that they don’t want to necessarily tell everyone the details about just yet, or a pregnancy they know is going to end in pain. Letting people tell or keep things private should be a basic right.
On a personal note, I’m on one hand happy that my husband and I kept my pregnancy a secret since when I miscarried we didn’t have to go back and tell a bunch of people. The downside was that we had to tell parents surprise bad news rather than good news, but that was bound to happen, so eliminating the initial good news from everyone else (minus ourselves) was ultimately a good call. Though funnily now that we’ve just had one loss and nothing else, if I get pregnant again, we’ll likely tell family right away, since we’re going to be total wrecks. You’d think it would make me more adamant about keeping it secret if it happens again, but it’s kind of the opposite. Family will know right away, given the history.
Like Kate and you, I felt like I had to tell somewhat early due to morning (all day) sickness the first time. Iv been fortunate to be at home after that, so with #2 we waited the traditional 12 weeks for most people (immediate family members knew….once again, unbearable and unhid able sickness). Sadly, we miscarried earlier this year, and although we are well past the 12 week mark now with #3, I still haven’t felt like telling people. I think it’s fear of the past, kinda scary. We decided just last night to put it in our Christmas cards since we will be about 1/2 through the pregnancy at Christmas and are scared of what extended Family will say.
I feel awful for Kate, but…..a silver lining in the story is that morning/all day sickness means all is going as it should:)
Can’t even relate. Dealing with infertility and long-trying to conceive for going on 5 years makes it seem like a real luxury to “worry” about when to spill the beans. I sinply hope to have beans to spill sometime in the future.
Thanks for sharing that, AES. Something we should all keep in mind. I think, too, that it sort of touches on what Hayley said about no one knowing the medical truth of a situation. It’s all deeply personal.
AES: As someone on the infertility train, I’m sending you lots of hugs.
Lucky me, no morning sickness ever with either child. The only issue I had was heartburn, sometimes on a daily basis for a certain stretch of time, with my second.
I don’t remember a lot about how I broke the news to people, especially the second time around, but I remember the morning after we conceived our first. I knew immediately, and it was almost weird. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, having never experienced pregnancy before, staring off into space and saying to my husband “I’m pregnant, I know I am. My boobs feel funny.” I didn’t feel the need for a test of any kind until I was a good 4 months along, and I wasn’t aware that I was supposed to be seeing a doctor, either. My Mom came out to stay with us and was shocked…had me all booked up with the prenatal regimen in no time.
As far as I was aware, it was a basic natural process that women just…did. I quit smoking and ate healthier foods (which I craved anyways) and felt great…figured when it hurt, I’d head for the nearest hospital and that would be that. Man was I ever some kinda genius at all of 19 years old, huh? lol
I was at the VCU Commonwealth Times newsroom and took the phone into a closet and called my doctor. In those days you had to wait for a test to come back, your pee killing a rabbit or something. Since it was news I really didn’t want, I didn’t tell anyone except my roommate and boyfriend until I was obviously showing. I found out in October and the baby was born in May, so I was pregnant that whole college year.
I knew immediately and told everyone before I finished ovalating. Of course no one believed me. I also knew Matthew was a boy and Jordan was a girl and I did not have a preganancy test. Had a sonagram with Jordan and it only confirmed what I already knew. Best moments of my life!!!!