Raising Richmond: Is life over once you have kids?
After over 20 contributions made to this parenting column, we’ve finally gotten our acts together and given it a name. This week we’re tackling the complicated topic of a social life after procreation. Have a look…
Editor’s note: Don’t worry, you’ve come to the right place. After over 20 contributions made to this parenting column, we’ve finally gotten our acts together and given it a name. The format is the same: two sets of parents (the Salgados and the Catrows) discussing/agreeing/disagreeing/throwing down over all kinds of parenting issues, Richmond-related and beyond.
Today’s question: Is life over once you have kids?
The Salgados
So like the rest of Richmond, I read the ever-popular and former RVANews columnist Jack from Jack Goes Forth. If you’re not familiar with him, he blogs about his womanizing, bar tending, rather die than settle down, slightly self-deprecating, shocking, and exciting 26-year-old life. At times I laugh, occasionally shout at the computer screen, and have even (although am now extremely repentant) left a scathing anonymous comment. I wondered why I was so cranked up by this guy and yet kind of liked him at the same time? Truth be told, he inadvertently pushed me to ask myself a loaded question: Is your life is over when you get married and have kids? Are we really all schmucks who move to the burbs, pop out a couple rugrats, join book clubs, and golf every Saturday morning?
I think the answer is yes and no. By the age of 26, I was married with two kids. Partly because I was practically a child bride by getting married at 21 and partly because my husband is so hot, which explains the gagillion kids we have. We figured we would have years to travel and party before kids, but things didn’t really go as planned. I guess in some ways we missed out on the total free and fun days of our early 20s, but somehow we found an alternative. Thus began the years of the “porch parties” at our little green house. Children were tucked into their beds while beer cans collected on the rails of the deck. It was beer pong and other shenanigans late into the night with friends crashed on the couch by morning. We took turns being the designated sober responsible parent and surprisingly these people, many just kids themselves, loved our kids.
The late 20s brought another baby and a move to the city. Since we were in walking distance of every favorite bar and restaurant, a reliable babysitter became our new best friend. 80s night at Bandito’s had us dancing till closing, followed by carrying home pizza from Chanello’s many a Friday night. Buddy’s was the old standby for Jorge with his buddies while I tried all the Fan favorites with various girlfriends the rest of the time. It was fun but expensive; we were party poor for awhile after that.
I was sure life would be over at 30, but it turned out to be the most fun yet. The early 30s have greeted us kindly with a whole new set of friends on top of the old crew. We also added one more baby to the mix leaving us with four kids. While the addition of each kid makes it more challenging to navigate the social part of us individually and as a couple, we have always managed to find a way to hold on to that part of ourselves. So while we will never know total reckless abandon, we aren’t exactly dead to a good night either. I like to think it might be the best of both worlds, but I may have to trade stories with the bartender sometime to find out.
The Catrows
Nothing irks us more than the “Haha, you’ll see” comments people must endure when they’re getting ready to have a baby – particularly when it comes to the issue of a post-partum social life.
To us, it’s pretty simple: having a kid changes your life. If it doesn’t, you’re probably doing it wrong.
However, “change” does not equal “end.”
We still hang out, we still go out, and we still know how to have a good time. In fact, I socialize more now than I ever did before we had a baby, mostly because I cherish my free time and don’t want to piss it away checking Facebook. If something requires more effort, you tend to make it more of a priority.
Alas, I won’t lie. I desperately miss the days of staying out (or even staying up) late and sleeping until noon. I miss being able to run an errand without a 25-pound person in tow. And napping, I miss you most of all.
I mean, let’s face it, kids are a time suck. But while you might have less time to do the things you used to do, it doesn’t mean you can’t do them at all.
When Ross and I talked about this issue, he brought up what he likes to call the “RomCom Syndrome.” RomCom refers romantic comedies and the less-than-accurate picture they give of life (and, for some reason, a lot of us believe). You know what I’m talking about: the harried mother and father stumbling around unwashed and disheveled, exhausted out of their minds (ok, maybe that’s accurate), bemoaning the loss of their friends, free time, and youth as the baby screams in the background.
Guys, it doesn’t have to be that way!
Life with a kid (or kids) requires a little more juggling and a lot more finesse. For us, it’s all about sacrifice and compromise: sometimes we alternate nights out, other times we cut spending in one area so we can pay for a babysitter. There’s a give and take that you just kind of have to embrace and run with.
One of Ross’s biggest fears about impending parenthood was whether or not he was going to be able to hang out with his friends as much. I tried to ease his fears by pointing out that I understood (and would respect) his extroverted nature and need for social interaction (while also highlighting my need to be left the hell alone sometimes). But I knew that once the baby got here, there would be times when he would choose to be home, not out of obligation but out of desire to be with his family. And, of course, that happened. In fact, it happens more often than not.
When kids come into this world, they bring with them a whole set of responsibilities that parents must bear. And we do so, maybe not always gladly, but always willingly. Priorities shift, focuses change, and things are just different. They have to be.
If I’m being completely honest, I’d have to say that life as you know it is probably over once you have kids. However, the change brings with it so much joy (and wonderful, purposeful challenges) that saying goodbye to that old life isn’t so bad.
Ok, now it’s your turn
Do you feel like life is over once you have kids? We’d especially like to hear from you amazing single parents out there…
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Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
I don’t think life is over when you have kids. You are still the same person, and like the same things. I don’t think the cliche is true that when you have kids ‘everything changes’. We got married at 21 and had kids before all of our friends, which was slightly challenging for all of us. Now that all of our friends have kids in the baby through elementary years, there are lots more kid friendly parties to be had. Finding and paying for babysitters was always a huge challenge, and neither of us liked going out without the other much. So, we had dance parties at home and did what we could. Luckily, our kids seemed to enjoy our company.
Having kids and a social life is much easier now, on the flip side of parenting, with a 15 and 18 year old. The family often still does things together, since we are lucky and our kids enjoy live music, rollerderby, art and other fun stuff. Even when they were little, and we were poor, we could take advantage of all the free ways to see music and get culture here in the river city.
I agree with all points made. I will say that sadly some of my friendships have slipped away because I just don’t have the time to spend catching up with all of the friends I used to have. And as a working mom I don’t want to spend time away from my kids on the weekend. And I think it’s true that when you have kids you tend to gravitate towards other friends who have kids. Our closest friends are married couples like us that have kids the same age as our kids. It’s a win-win situation. The adults can socialize and the kids can play. There are many times that I really miss those nights of hanging out in Star-Lite and walking home, sleeping till noon and brunching on Bloody Marys the entire next day, but life w/ my babies is so much better. And those rare nights when my husband and I do have a date night alone, we appreciate them so much more. Also, I got married at 32, so I had plenty of time in my 20s to experience Jack Go Forthesque hijinks….and boy did I ever.
Married at 21 here too.
Sometimes I lament the loss of footloose child-free days… but then I have to remind myself that we really didn’t do any of those wild and crazy things in the years before kids, so it hasn’t significantly changed our lives in that respect.
Life is certainly more complicated though. It helps having friends who are at a similar stage in life, with similar schedules and constraints.
(As I’m fighting the flu, the pre-kid thing I really miss is being able to take a sick day :) )
I can see you shouting at the computer screen. That makes me laugh.
How did Jack know that he was mentioned? Does Jack read this column?
I wonder if this column would come off differently if the daddies authored the Salgado/Catrow perspectives. I’m not trying to make any gender generalizations. But I wonder if there is truly consensus on this question at home. Me and my wife butt heads on a lot of this stuff. I throw the baby in the air. She protects his every move. She accepts the reality of life tethered to our adora-baby. I wanna go to the gym or a restaurant every other day after work.
Of course, I generally don’t go out. I stay home because there is so much to do for the baby and the house and for each other, it really takes team work every step of the way. And as fulfilling as all of that is, there are also unfulfilled needs. So, when Val says that we sacrifice “maybe not always gladly, but always willingly,” I’d add that it’s often with a lot of turmoil and lament and it can feel like life is over. Transitions are filled with such uncertainty and questioning. I hate that “now your life is over” stuff, but maybe now life is over as we once knew it (although Jasper and I do go for bike rides pretty regularly).
I have a kid and my life sucks now. I wish I could give the little bastard back. Life is all throw-up and diarrhea and feeding and I have no friends any more. I was going to be an astronaut, but now I’m a pig farm worker.
OK OK, I have no kids, but I mean, what are parents really going to say once they’re stuck with the little beasts??
When I was pregnant with my forth child, my mother’s friend – a career focused, mother of one adult daughter- said to me, you know you won’t have any time for yourself now, you won’t have a life.
I didn’t argue, I could barely speak at that moment because I was simply too confused by her words.
I realized, it all depends on what your definition of “a life” is.
If you define enjoyment or success in your life as basically doing and having what YOU want, when YOU want it, then yes, parenthood is going to seem like the end of the road.
Unless, what you want is the noisy, busy, messy, sometimes sleepless, and always unpredictable moments of parenthood and can accept that the “seasons” you go through from day one of that life will not always be society’s definition of fun or successful times.
But if you are really present and focused during those times, instead of worrying about what else you could be missing, you will look back at them as the most fulfilling and joyful moments you ever had.
The thought of waking up on Christmas morning when I’m 65 without a family around me (or somewhere on this planet) makes me sad. The short term sacrifice must be worth the long term gain. It must.
But I don’t have children yet, so I know nothing.
I am, however, available to babysit…
Jason, we’re working on getting the dads to contribute. Ross, Jorge, I’m looking at you pointedly.
Oh and Jason, I also agree that the sacrifice comes with turmoil. By “willingly” I meant that I think most of us would never consider *not* doing what needs to be done.
For me, the biggest challenge has been putting the baby’s needs ahead of my own (and my wife’s). That sounds so basic, but a kid is such a profound disruption of everything that previously made sense. Basic necessities become luxuries. If I were to internalize it, I’d say that Jasper a wake up call to my self-centeredness (which isn’t going down without a fight, by the way). I think mg said some good stuff that pretains to that shift in perspective.
I tried to sidestep gender stereotyping, but new moms seem to transform with their first child’s birth, while new dads feel comparatively inessential and can easily become detached. That’s not everyone, for sure. But, I think the parenting roles might affect how one would hear that question, “Is your life over now that you’ve had a baby.” (ps: Dad’s become very essential once baby can run, jump, wrestle, and play sous chef).
Of course I know nothing for sure about this, but I will say that my parents always talk about how having kids mean you are no longer in clubs, bands, and party circuits. Your every thought revolves around the children and what they need. When I was born they got completely rid of their friends and as far as I can tell, never left the house again ’til I was 25 or so.
But as I’ve gotten older and looked around, I see a lot of energetic, cool-looking moms going about their business in this city with babies strapped to their backs and smiles on their faces. They do nearly all the stuff they used to do, but the babies are just wrapped snugly around them. This makes me happy. And I hope my life will be more like this than the hellish boredom my parents advertised, when / if my time comes.
Oh shucks, I won’t get to go to bars and clubs anymore. Boo-hoo.
Man, I’m really going to miss that gym.
If only I could get out for one night and do something more important than raising an intelligent, well read, cultured human being with excellent relational skills.
I can’t wait to have a kid. I’d take shitty diapers and screaming over annoyingly loud music and alcohol consumption any day of the week.
Wolf- totally true…what ARE you going to say once you have the beasts? although they are awesome beasts- good people for sure, but you are right.
It might just be relative too. I doubt many hard core never-settle-downers want to admit the crap parts of that life either.
I don’t know, I hope I’m one of those moms Tess mentioned. I have really tried hard to “do life” with the added bonus of kids. Yet I still think there are lots of parents who give up parts of themselves that they don’t necessarily have to. There are sacrifices for sure, and there should be but I think there is an ebb and flow to it.
I hear you Jason, part of this article should have included the angst it took to navigate this part of our lives. I also think our perspective is different due to the fact that we didn’t have very much time to ourselves before we had kids so maybe this all we know and we are in the dark about what we missed, kwim?
Here’s my beef though- Do we have to give it all up? Can’t we still have a drunken club night every now and then? or a little more often if you are the Salgados. :) we lose the every night option and many of us happily retire that but it doesn’t mean we aren’t normal human beings, or are desperate cougars trying to reclaim something, thank-you-very-much.
can’t you just have a good time with and sometimes without children?! …and still really love our kids, each other and ourselves?
and JGF- so few people can get me riled up, consider it a compliment my friend! ;)
I kinda feel like my life *started* after we had kids. I think we were living the parenting life before we were parents, and now we’ve got the kids to go with it. Maybe the difference (in part) is that we married at 23 and it took a few years between deciding we were ready for a baby and when we actually got one, but everything seemed to fall in place when we (well…she) got pregnant. It’s not to say that there aren’t complications and sacrifices (I used to play paintball once or twice a month, now it’s once or twice a year if I’m lucky), but I’ve got so much more to do now, and that includes introducing my kids to the things I love to do (taking a 4yo on a go-kart for the first time is a riot).
Life is not over when kids come into the picture – but a new life begins and it’s a lot less self-centered. I’m not in a great place to discuss it right now, because my husband and I did not take care and nurture our marriage enough and we are paying a high price for that.
Having children changed my life in that I think of them first before I think of myself. I’m much more centered, patient, and willing to go with the flow. But life will never be the same again – and for me, that’s probably a good thing :-)
Having walked down the path from wild young adult to confused young parent to happy middle-aged mom with teens, I can say without hesitation or snark that life is not over. It does challenge at times. There are and will continue to be times where you look up at your spouse and say, “What the hell were we thinking?” There are times when you want nothing more than to scream, break something, cry, pull your hair out or — SLEEP — without interruption, without soccer/baseball/basketball/scouts/ beckoning at some ungodly hour. There are times when what your child needs is inconvenient financially, mentally or emotionally. None of that matters really because nothing is more important than the love shared between parents and their children.
The moments of sheer joy, pride and limitless love that I have experienced melt any annoyance or perceived inconvenience. I love that I have been blessed so much by the boys in my life.
As far as my marriage – it is wonderful. We share a passion for our family that we have emphasized to all three boys and to anyone who will listen. We still steal away. We consciously and purposefully set aside *us* time so that we rejuvenate and refresh and focus on each other. I don’t miss anything about that other phase of my life. It was fun but now I have my life’s work in front of me — and there is nothing about barhopping or crazy road stories that can replace that. Nothing.
Life BEGINS when you give life to someone else, then nurture and watch it grow. Great article–and look forward to reading more!
PS-it is important to still nurture ourselves as parents, so we can give freely!
While we value the company of our friends and the occasional lack of sobriety, my wife and I were never really all that interested in the out-every-weekend-partying lifestyle to begin with, so luckily we didn’t have to deal with that sort of change after having a kid.
You both have the right idea, as far as I’m concerned. Life is all about striking a balance.
I’m seven and a half years into parenting now, and it’s a pretty fun ride. Much of that time I’ve also been a full-time single dad which has radically affected the kinds of compromises I’ve had to make.
I remember when parents a few years ahead of me said our lives were over when the kid started walking. Truth was, it was just the beginning of the adventure. For a few years, I managed to hang on to some of the things I did that were just for myself, but those have begun to change. After all, shooting pool competitively doesn’t fit very well with being a full-time parent — unless you want your kid to be one of those kids who talks about growing up at the pool hall. It’s hard to keep up one’s game. Some of my passion for going out to eat has had to be curbed too, but that has meant more money for other things and more time to work on my own cooking.
As for friends, the make-up of my circle of friends has certainly changed. People without kids don’t always get that schedules aren’t fluid, and it gets tiresome to explain one more time why I can’t afford a babysitter or why I can’t come over for a drink at 8:00. But this doesn’t mean my life is the poorer for it. Quite the contrary, in fact. I have regular dinners with friends who are also parents, porch parties with kids running around, card nights, and more.
That said, the people I’ve never understood are the ones who willfully declare their lives over when they become parents. But then again, I also don’t understand people who move to the suburbs, and I tend to equate the two decisions.
In the end, I like my kid. It was tough a few years ago being reminded that I was locked down by a tot, but that has changed as she’s gotten older. It’s become more fun to be a dad. And I guess that’s kind of the bookend to what Jason said earlier — the dads might say something different early on, but give them a few years and things change.
As a now-divorced dad of two, I have to say that my life really has been divided into BK (before kids) and AK (after kids) IMHO, being a parent does give you a different perspective on how you approach things, since you do have to make adjustments to your lifestyle. However, I wouldn’t trade being a dad for anything in the world.
That said: You don’t have to give up your old life, in fact, if you do you probably run the risk of doing more harm to yourselves as a couple and as a family. In fact, I would go so far as to say that you need to maintain those parts of your BK lifestyle if you want to still have a great relationship with your spouse. Too many couples forget to do that and they wind up drifting apart because they forget the reasons they were together in the first place.
(FTR, my ex and I got started a little later than most everyone here: married at 28, kids at 30 & 32, divorced at 41)
um yes… the life i knew was over…i should preface this by saying i require lots of solitary time to function well and parenting doesn’t offer much of that…i am slowly growing back into having a life that i have some time for myself in… i raised two children with a loving husband and father but it was essentially me doing the donkey work- getting up in the night, breastfeeding (well he couldn’t do that could he) making decisions, reading the books, going to playcenter… and i was (and still am to some extent) exhausted by the constancy of it all… i tried to reinvent mothering (i wanted to do it differently than my mother had) and having to think about it all the time was exhausting… i also was incredibly hard on myself when i yelled (and i did yell which was something i had not done much at all before) and well i was just bone weary…
i love my girls but dear lord i am glad i am getting a life back now…
I think there’s a direct correlation between the life you *had* before kids and the life you *have* after kids…but there’s also an inverse relation between your age at first parenthood and the intensity and interruption of your *former* life.
Having kids at an earlier age (I’m thinking pre-25ish) really has that striking and jarring effect on your personal life. You lose that transitional period of your 20’s where friends are naturally going to shake out with maturity, relationships, and work-related changes. And you lose that time where you, as a grown-up start to find yourself…bc really, at 22, I was NOT a grown-up, but I was going to be a parent. When you’re young, the insecurities are insurmountable–it’s as a defense, I think, that some retreat into isolation. There’s no gray at that age. There’s partying and not partying. Even a nice dinner with the girls ended up counting wine bottles on the counter the next morning.
Older parents (and by that I mean mature–somewhere past the point of paying bills on time, possibly owning a home, and settling into a non-child version of domestic bliss) have already hit a certain stride. They may not know exactly who they are, they may not have the job that they want, they may wish they spent more time with friends–but all of that exists PRIOR to babydom. The personal struggles aren’t attributed to the kid. Life sucked before–don’t blame the monkey. The acclimation and acceptance of the kid into a modified version of your life is easier because you’ve already experienced transitions in your *former* life–whether it’s been careers, friends, and relationships. Yes, you might stay out all night and get hammered–but not every night. Dinner with the girls is just that–maybe you’ll split *A* bottle of wine. By your late 20’s and on, life is a spectrum–having a child is like adding a new hue, whether you were looking for it or not.
Good note, Jane, and I think you pinpointed one of my greatest difficulties of parenting and having new relationships. Much of the time my daughter is asleep or doing her own thing or with her mom every other weekend is my time. When I begin to compromise that space with the need to pay attention to someone else, it’s a precarious situation. If I give too much of myself to the relationship, I lose the time I need, but if I don’t give enough time to the relationship, well… you get the point.
Annie: Quick note. I like your “inverse relationship” analysis. But I thought you were going to go the other way with it. Young parents haven’t really tasted the freedom of coming of age and growing into their independence, so they don’t mind too much with the cute little dictator barks orders all day (note that I am having fun with this, not really griping about babies). Whereas, more mature parents have settled into the self-sufficient stage of adulthood and have a hard time making space for their new very high-maintenance roommate who doesn’t pay rent. That’s what I see in these comments. But I could be projecting.
Jason, I totally agree with you! I think when you have kids at a young age, you don’t really know what you are missing. But when you’re in your 30s having kids, you are more aware of the loss of the lifestyle you used to have. My parents had me, their only child, when they were 20. When they were 38 I left for college and they were done. I asked my mom if she felt like she missed out on her 20s and she said, “No, I was too busy getting through college, working and parenting to worry about that.” I am now 38 and just had my 2nd (and last) baby. It’s weird to think that at my age, my parents were starting to travel and enjoy life as empty-nesters. It’s like I’m experiencing their parenthood in reverse. And I admit I spend a lot time stressing about how to balance parenting, marriage, work, socializing, etc. My young parents didn’t stress…they just did it.