Raising Richmond: Does your family “do” Santa?
We bet you never thought it would happen, but alas! The dudes FINALLY weigh in on something! Read on to find out their thoughts on The Man in Red (and be sure to share yours, too).
Editor’s note: Today’s feature is the newest installment of our parenting column written by two sets of Richmonders: Jorge and Patience Salgado (veteran parents of four gorgeous children), and Ross and Valerie Catrow (parenting rookies who have only been doing this “raising a child thing” for a little while). Check back fortnightly to watch them discuss/agree/disagree/throw down over all kinds of parenting issues, Richmond-related and beyond.
We bet you never thought it would happen, but alas! The dudes FINALLY weigh in on something!
Today’s question: Does your family “do” Santa?
The Salgados
“You sit on a throne of lies.”
— Buddy the Elf
Santa hasn’t really been an issue for our family these last couple of years. We never have pushed Santa, and the kids each have made their own decisions about the red-suited man. Even as we visit Legendary Santa at the Children’s Museum, the kids have zero reaction to him. They don’t really want to go visit him, have never written letters to him, and have never received any gifts from jolly Ol’ Nick. Santa has been more of a non-speaking extra in our magical holiday movie more than a leading role kind of guy.
Now before I get labeled as The Grinch, I have never actively discouraged the belief in Santa. It has just felt weird to tell my kids to believe in him.
What is strange is that my own childhood was filled with Santa belief. Santa brought the gifts. We had to be good for Santa. Santa was always watching. You know what I remember and associate Santa with from my childhood? Being told to be good and that someone was always watching. How’s that for creepy and manipulative?
Is it my own cynicism that has hardened my heart towards the big guy? Is it today’s commercial society that has ruined it for me? Does anyone know the true meaning of Christmas???
And has my non belief taken the joy out of our holidays? I would say it’s the opposite. We aren’t tied to some belief that you only get gifts and love if you are good. We behave properly whether someone is watching or not; we act kind out of love and respect for each other, not to earn points. We still hold on to the Christmas spirit and love the family traditions that have been handed down to us by our parents.
So what does that mean for your family? Will Santa belief cause irreparable damage to your kids? Am I myself scarred for the rest of my life? I think its all in how it’s navigated with your kids. We let them know about Saint Nicholas and how he has become the modern day parable of Santa. We leave space for the little believers in our family and let them know that Santa is a part of the bigger tradition and reason that drives the season. And really, there might just be enough Christmas magic for it all.
The Catrows
Before our son JR was born I had two issues I felt pretty strongly about: circumcision and Santa. But, I guess since circumcision has to do with penises people are less inclined to give you their unsolicited opinions on the matter? Not so with Santa; I think I’ve had my fill of people telling me I’m a bad parent for stealing the Magic of Christmas from JR. But, I’ve got reasons!
First, Jesus is the reason for the season, people. Cliche/Serious!
Note: before you send me links to wikipedias about Saturnalia, winter solstice, or anything like that, let me assure you I understand and believe that early Christians did not celebrate the birth of Jesus. The historical Christian traditions around Christmas aren’t all that important to me.
The Christmas season is so steeped in symbols, and we want those symbols to jibe with what we do and believe the rest of the year. It’s all about being internally consistent. When presented with the choice of celebrating Jesus or celebrating a man who brings presents, I want to make sure we choose what best fits our beliefs. Similarly, I don’t want JR to learn that the amount of love he gets from us depends on his annual level of naughty/nice — we want him to learn that we’ll love him unconditionally even if he sucks. That’s not to say that you can’t do both, Jesus and Santa, successfully. We’ve just decided not to.
Second, I hate the idea of lying to my kid. Guys, I’ve been a parent for what? Thirteen months? Most times I literally have no idea what I am talking about, but right now, to me, it seems like a bad idea. Also, I am a terrible liar. I can’t imagine having to keep up a complex pretense like Santa and his accoutrement for months. But what about The Magic, you say? I don’t think we need to lie to our children for them to experience wonderful and magical things. Like, do you know how big the solar system is? That’s pretty dang magical.
Third, if I get JR a really banging gift, I want him to know it’s from me. The best part of Christmas is getting people you love gifts that show how much you love them. I don’t want to reroute my love through a third party — I want those love points for myself, yo.
Fourth, Santa is an anagram for “A! Ants!” Coincidence?
Postscript
One of the most popular reason for “doing Santa” seems to be so you don’t screw it up for other families. It’s like Santa is a vaccine and by opting out you are putting your entire elementary school at risk. Again, I know nothing about children, but I promise to work very hard with JR so he won’t spoil it for his friends. Will it work? No clue! But I’ll try.
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Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
There was a good discussion of that with Carolyn Hax at the Washington Post recently: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2009/11/20/DI2009112003170.html
My favorite excerpt (regarding a husband that didn’t want the wife to “lie”: Tell him Santa Claus is a fairy tale. He doesn’t think it’s wrong for children to enjoy fairy tales, does he? Is he going to sit at the ballet and tell them, “That Nutcracker isn’t really a handsome prince, it’s just a person pretending to be one” — might help to frame the discussion that way.
Carolyn Hax: The barrel-of-laughs implications of absolute truth-telling are endless, aren’t they. “That’s ‘Elmo,’ but really just some fuzz being moved around by hands and wires.” Thanks.
Soooo, wait? Are you telling me that Santa isn’t real!?! WTF!?!?!
I am stunned. Please say it isn’t so! I love that big guy!
Sure don’t do Santa. . . and miss out on overhearing exchanges* like this between your kids:
3 year old: Santa Claus, I want to come with you!
5 year old: Ok, you can be my elf. Can I name you Tiny?
3 year old: Sure!
*actual conversation from today
Hokie crybaby!
I covered this in a Style essay years ago, reprinted here
http://urban-pigeon.blogspot.com/2008/12/santa-lie.html
It was reprinted many places throughout the Internet, so it’s a hot topic, but Ross is right. Santa is the first lie you tell that alienates you from the kids.
I’m gonna be an asshole for a moment and play the religion card since I don’t think anyone else is going to.
Why is lying to your kid about a fairy-tale being called Santa any different than lying to them about another fairy-tale being called Jesus? They are two sides of the same coin — no proof of either exists, both creepily watch you to scare you into good behavior (how’s that for free will??), and both reward said good behavior in the end. Jesus doesn’t love unconditionally either — it takes malevolence to send people to eternal torture. You’d think someone so apparently loving would be understanding that skepticism is human nature. And human nature is god’s nature, right? Hmm.
If you’re going to let your children decide on their own whether or not to believe in Santa, why force your religious views on them when they’re too undeveloped to know the difference?
During the winter solstice the old ones grow more powerful. Lord Cthulhu’s coming is near.
That is the true meaning of Christmas. I dunno what all this crap about weak pangan gods is.
Will some kid please tell my 7 and 8 year old that there is no Santa. Seriously… Those 2 still love the guy. The Baby no so much she pulled his beard with all her might and we laughed hysterically.
Because we started the Christmas shopping so early we ended up over budget on the kids this year. We work hard and honestly I want to get some of the credit.
Santa for the baby is still up the air. You really only get 1 good picture with Santa anyway…
Captin jack does Santa and he is eveyones hero. Thus we will do Santa.
Our son is 4 months old, so we don’t have to tackle this until next year, but at this point, the fence is where I sit.
You know how I figured out there was no Santa? Tennis Balls…. Tennis Balls with bright orange, half peeled off, Toys R Us stickers on them. I’m pretty sure it trashed that Christmas for me. Don’t remember how old I was… maybe the illusion lasted a while on me.
I want my child to be imaginative, but Santa is not the only way. In fact, it’s not even a very good way. So yay for me that I have another year to figure this out with my Wife.
He better not ruin it for little Morrissey Fisher.
You and Murph are going to have another fat man to deal with…one with a violent criminal record.
You can find my serious response at mattmoment.com
I held an unflappable belief in Santa until I was 14. That’s in years, not months.
My family managed to always make the whole thing a very magical event. It wasn’t about amount of $ and stuff, and it wasn’t about religion. It was just something to look forward to even in the most desolate Ohio winter.
@brando & Mariane Im not sure im ready to say that i don’t believe in anything… that my faith is completely out the window, but I’ve never associated santa=jesus/god. There may be parallels there, but that argument has never really held water for me. Santa is santa, jesus is jesus. Belief in one or the other doesn’t imply belief in the other.
Our kids have made choices in what they believe, whether influenced by us, their friends or family. We continually ask them the questions to keep them asking WHY they believe what they do. I fully expect our kids to make their choices and will help them in the process of getting there, even if it means extending beyond what I am personally comfortable with.
Haha, Susan. I like the cross-article reference. Jesus and Santa are Hokies, though.
When I was in either kindergarten or first grade, I began noticing that there were a lot of Santas around and some of them had telltale signs that they weren’t real. My mother says that the day Santa came to my elementary school, I wouldn’t stay in the assembly hall and when she and I were out in the hall together, I asked her if Santa was real. She told me no, but that I should keep it to myself so other children could keep believing if they wanted, and so I did. I certainly felt no bad feelings toward my parents, and more importantly, I think I came away with a sense of responsibility to not spoil others’ fun. To this day, I feel that way, and now that I’ve got two boys under 5, I love that they’ve got the sense of wonder and excitement about all of the aspects of Christmas. They’ve got plenty of time to be grown up…we’ve only got a short time to share this story with them before they either discern the truth for themselves or someone spoils it for them.
i was just telling someone the other day about this because i don’t really recall when i stopped believing in santa. i know there was no big fit and i know that no one ever told me. i do remember going to bed and waking up early on christmas morning and thinking “mom and dad must not have gotten up yet to lay out my presents!”
also brando, about the religion thing. it’s a lot different i think because in the case of Jesus, the adults believe in Jesus, whereas they do not believe in santa. if the grown-ups believe in something and pass that on to their kids, it certainly could not be called lying, because the adults believe it’s real. catch my drift? just because you think Jesus is a lie doesn’t mean that other people who believe in Him should not pass their belief on to their babes, with room for the choice not to believe it when they are grown. oh and Jesus is also a prominent historical figure, whether or not you believe in His godliness, so proof of him definitely exists. maybe you meant to say proof of God doesn’t exist?
We do Santa also. My parents put a huge amount of weight on honesty, and as Jeb says, once the kids get big enough to find out the truth it makes them feel like a “big kid.” I’m not constantly pushing Santa, but I still found my six-year-old clearing off the hearth tonight so he’d have room to come out of the fireplace.
No milk n’ cookies here. The whole holiday is a bit of a battle because DH observes a long-standing tradition of not observing Christmas. He would love nothing better than to put a sign in our yard proclaiming “There Is No Santa” for the benefit of all the tacky lights tours passing by. I’ll do my best to shield your kids, but I can’t make any promises.
As the first commenter suggested, you don’t have to lie to your kids to include Santa. Santa *is* real – he’s an idea, a concept, a story. He is a means of people sharing and giving with love anonymously – NOT for the credit, yo. Santa is the highest form of giving. Versions of his story are found across cultures.
My kids are thrilled to see Santa. They don’t send letters to the North Pole, or ask him for anything in person. If he asks what they want, they share just as they do with anyone else. And Santa brings them whatever the hell he wants – generally a gift to be shared amongst all the children in our family, and not one that anyone was specifically expecting or requesting.
As an adult, you don’t have to create some elaborate fantasy for the kids – they do that on their own. But giving under the guise of Santa does not have to be a lie. Participating in the ritual of leaving milk and cookies (which we do, cuz, hey, Mommy likes milk and cookies) is fun and can be done as an act of graciousness and giving, without sacrificing your integrity any more than having tea and crumpets with your daughter and her imaginary tea party guests.
My mom is devastated about her grandkids not believing in Santa, but a big reason I’m so against Santa is because I didn’t think it was fair to my mom!
I feel a little bit sorry for JR. What happens if he has an imaginary friend down the road? You may need to play along. Studies show that children thrive and learn more about the world around them through imaginary play. I think it’s best just to take the cue from your child. If your child wants to believe and asks questions about Santa then you don’t have to lie. Just ask them “What do you think?”
I have a two year old and honestly, I had forgotten the excitement of Santa until he saw a plastic Santa in my neighbors yard. “Who’s that?” he asked. “It’s Santa” I replied. The look of awe in his eyes was what brought it all back for me and even I believed again. The spirit of Santa does exist through all of the parents that make sure their children have a gift left for them on Christmas morning. Do I want credit and “points” for a gift for my child. No. My reward is his excitement and happiness. Don’t let your personal childhood “hang-ups” interfere with your child’s upbringing. Being a parent is hard enough, why not allow yourself to enjoy your child’s excitement in the magic of Santa and Christmas. It will all be over soon enough as they grow up so fast.
I still tell my 21 and 33 year old that there is a Santa and you will never convince me he is not real. When my oldest was about 6 years old she heard reindeer on the roof, and that was enough proof for her… and me too.
Besides, there is no way parents can afford all those gifts on their own.
Whew! …what a bunch of grinches! I bet you don’t believe in the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, or any of the other folks either….haven’t you read the papers? The editorial “Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” comes to mind…Santa is the spirit of giving rather than taking, I grew up believing, and I don’t realy think I am all that permanently warped. In fact, when I grew up and got old enough to have white hair and a beard, I became Santa, not the one, the only, but still Santa. Children have a right to play, and have fantasies and imagination. Kids see me in August or April, and recognize the Santa within, and it makes both them and me happy, they recognize and will point me out quietly (sometimes not so quietly) to their parents, who will with great embarassment come and tell me their children think I look like Santa…I’d rather be the child and just believe. Carrying Santa with me every day makes me try to live up to the kindness, and patience and love of the world’s children that we should all carry with us. If being Santa makes me a bit kinder and gentler through the days and nights, if I can leave a good tip and a candy cane for a waiter or waitress who is having a rough day but still mananged to do a good job and smile, if it makes me not want to flip the bird at the car tailgating me, if it makes me smile at a college student who has a passing recognition and thinks they’ve just seen Santa in his street clothes of jean and a t-shirt….then what’s the harm…I’ll carry the big guy around inside of me until I just can’t pick him up anymore. Have a great year…and yes I am out there Richmond, and I am watching, but not for wether you are good or bad, I just want to see if you smile when you recognize me from your childhood, then pass that smile on. See you next Christmas!