Raising Richmond: Being a good mom friend
Sure, it’s got kind of a goofy name, but the manner in which we approach the “mom friend” role can mean the difference between kid-centered friendships to which we don’t give a second thought once we leave the playground and deeper relationships we can rely on during those darker parenting days.
Since last June, I’ve watched1 10 of my friends become first-time mothers…and there are even more babies on the way later this year. This thrills me to no end because:
- ZOMG BAY-BEES TO SNUGGLE2
- I love being a mom friend.
I agree that “mom friend” is a pretty obnoxious term, but it’s kind of unavoidable in this context. I mean, how else would you describe someone who is a friend and a mother and/or someone who is a friend to a mother? And all goofy terms aside, the manner in which we approach the “mom friend” role can mean the difference between kid-centered friendships to which we don’t give a second thought once we leave the playground3 and deeper relationships we can rely on during those darker parenting days.
Let me back up a bit and clarify something: I’m not in any way saying I don’t also value my friendships with women who aren’t mothers (or people who aren’t parents). The thing is, when my son was first born, I was the only person in my circle of close friends with a baby. Being the only mother in a group of people who don’t use up disturbing amounts of brain space thinking about the last time someone else pooped/ate/slept/etc. can get pretty lonely.
Now that more and more of my friends are entering this phase of life, I want them to know that I’m here for them, that I want to help, and–more than anything else—that I understand. I’m also constantly reminded of the fact that no parent is an island. In order for us all to remain sane and feel successful (whatever that may mean) at this whole child-rearing gig, we need a network where the support flows freely…in all directions. Personally, I’m humbled by the love and support I’ve gotten from the mom friends that have come into my life over the last few years. On several occasions, they’ve been the difference between a day full of tears (mine, not my son’s…ok, maybe both…probably both) and a day spent thinking, “This is really, really hard, but I can do it.”
So, in honor of those relationships, here are a few thoughts I have on what helps create a healthy, supportive, mom (or parent-to-parent, really) friendship. Hopefully you’ll have a few to share as well.
No more Negative Nancys
We will all fail miserably at this because who wants to wallow in a pit of misery alone? Commiseration feels sooooo good sometimes (as seen here and here). However, I think there’s a slight (but important) distinction between being honest and open about how hard parenting can be and being a Debbie Downer McDoomsday–particularly when talking to new or soon-to-be-parents. We need to feel comfortable telling the truth, but let’s try to keep the “Ha! You just wait until the baby comes” comments to a minimum. And besides, while it isn’t rainbows and sunshine ALL the time, it is at least SOME of the time. Talk about those moments, too.
Accept help as often as you offer it
If a mom friend is having a tough time, we’re all pretty quick to offer to bring her a meal or take her kid for the morning…but most of us seem hesitant to let someone do the same for us. Do we think people don’t mean it when they offer? Are we afraid of looking vulnerable? I’m not sure. Either way, it’s high time we knock it off. Letting someone help you is a win-win. First of all, YOU GET HELP. Second of all, it’s my experience that once someone sees that you trust her enough to accept help from her, she’ll be more likely to accept it from you. As far as mom friendships go, someone has to break the ice when it comes to this sort of thing; it might as well be you, right? The next thing you know, all sorts of walls are coming down and you might even find yourselves out enjoying adult beverages together without a booster seat in sight.
Don’t keep score
On anything. At all. Not on babysitting favors, not on your kids’ milestones (especially when it comes to sleeping), nothing. For whatever reason, bringing children into the mix makes people super competitive, but I think we can all agree that parenting is hard enough without making a contest out of it. They’re your friends; you should be on the same team.4
Speak personally, not prescriptively
If–and only if–a friend asks for your advice,5 share what worked for you and avoid statements like “I just can’t believe people who…” or “If you would just do this XYZ, everything would be fine.” Remember: the last thing a struggling mother needs to hear is that she’s doing it wrong. If she wants to know more about your approach, she’ll ask. Also, what worked for your kid or your family might not work for someone else’s…or it might not line up with that family’s parenting philosophy. Just because she doesn’t follow your advice doesn’t mean she’s judging you (or that you have the right to judge her).
Love their kids
One of the most powerful ways you can care for your mom friends is to care for their children—and I don’t just mean with practical things (although that’s wonderful in and of itself). Get invested in who the kids are, what they like, what makes them tick. And most of all, tell them how awesome you think they are. Tell them often. They’re going to need to hear it coming from you once their parents become “AUGH SO LAME.”
— ∮∮∮ —
Have anything to add? Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments. I’d especially love for some fathers to fill us in on how the dad-to-dad dynamic compares to relationships between mothers.
— ∮∮∮ —
Footnotes
- Well, not watched-watched, but you know what I mean. ↩
- …and then give back. ↩
- I’m not suggesting here that you have to become the best of friends with every fellow parent you meet; those “playground” relationships have their place, too. Sometimes it’s nice just to have an easy chat with someone who also happens to be pushing his or her toddler on the swings. ↩
- You could call it “Team Let’s Just Try To Avoid Raising Serial Killers” or something. Quick, someone print that on a jersey! ↩
- They call it “assvice” for a reason. Just sayin’. ↩
-
Recommend this
on Facebook -
Report an error
-
Subscribe to our
Weekly Digest
Valerie Catrow
Valerie Catrow is editor of RVAFamily, mother to a mop-topped first grader, and always really excited to go to bed.
Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
You keep me sane, too, sister. Especially when I often have to text you to ask if I am so tired because I am a)dying of consumption or b)raising a toddler. HUGS!
Two things stick in my mind from weeks after my son was born. A few days before I was supposed to return to work, my aunt ironed all my work shirts for me so I had something to wear the next day. This was huge for me, because I hate ironing! I also had a good friend offer to come over and watch my son and hang out with my wife while I napped. It was seriously the best nap I’ve ever taken, and I will never forget that my friend gave me the gift of three hours uninterrupted sleep. It was amazing! Thanks, Sarah!
Little things go a long way during those first few weeks!
Bryan, I’m so glad you had people in your life to care for you like that. I had a similar experience with my mother-in-law. While I was in the hospital, recovering from a C-section, to came to my house, cleaned it from top to bottom, and stocked our kitchen with food. Even three years later I still get weepy when I eat berry-flavored apple sauce from Trader Joe’s; it was one of the items she got for us and I ate it constantly those first few days home.
Regarding the new parent topic, here’s another link you all might like: http://rvanews.com/features/richmond-proper-visiting-parents/46959
As a friend to a mom, don’t wait for them to ask for something. Surprise them with a bag of groceries, have them and their baby over for dinner, drop off some flowers. I bet a gift certificate to a mani pedi with a coupon for free babysitting would make a mom’s head explode! Unexpected acts of kindness can make your heart and theirs swell with good feelings.
pagalina, all of those things would make my head explode. Feel free to do them for me at any time.
This is so perfect and needs to be shared as much as possible outside of its normal viewing audience.
My one exception is the “Ha! You just wait until the baby comes” thing because I always tend to follow that with “you’ll never believe the kind of love and joy and strength you’ll be able to experience.” I’m amazed almost every day.
“Ha! You just wait until the baby comes” comments seem to appear for all milestones, and it is truly something worth cutting down on. Friends getting married? Don’t be all “Ha! Just wait until your mother-in-law tries to help!” I get that it comes from a place of people having had frustrating experiences and wanting to commiserate, but sometimes the negative sooth-saying becomes the dominant thing a person hears.
Yes, things will change (I’m not a parent, but I’m talking about life changes in general)…but sometimes people make decisions specifically because they *want* that change, warts and all. I think something a friend replied with one time to a negative comment was something along the lines of “Of course things will be different. That’s the plan!”
Love love all of this!!!! My mom friends have kept me sane and helped so much with our no family in town situation. We are so fortuanate to have such wonderful friends.
The best thing is creating a little village of your own. I’ve been known to say, “When Mr. Luke yells at you, you’d better listen!” because I trust him, and feel like his goals are the same as mine are. My parents had a couple of other families where the kids were pretty much interchangeable, so if someone needed a sanity break, or time to go to a church meeting, or even to go to Europe, the kids always had a familiar place to be. The kids our kids spend time with now may be the parents they look to for support later – that’s what’s happened with us.
and wine: always invite other mamas and their littles over for playtime wine (wine for the mamas, that is . . . ) we all survive the end of the day/week more smoothly with a friend and drink in hand!