Raising Richmond: Questions for my son

What I would ask my son if he actually stopped bombarding me with his own series of whys, whats, whos, and hows for two friggin’ seconds.

May 28, 2013; 6:32 AM • by Valerie Catrow

Our son JR’s first word was a question.

“DIS?” he’d bellow, day in and day out, imploring us label anything and everything around him.

As he’s gotten older we’ve seen his sentence structure get more complex, but the questions continue. Except instead of simply supplying him with an endless stream of nouns, these days we get stumped with harder questions like:

Why does Darth Vader want to hurt Luke if he’s his daddy?

Or…

What’s the last number?

And my personal favorite…

What does time mean?

While I appreciate the fact that our son is bright and inquisitive (and most times I’m more than happy to answers his questions) sometimes I just really want to give him a taste of his own medicine–in a loving, playful way, of course. However, I realize that since JR is only four, he just can’t fully appreciate my wit, my sense of irony, my astute observations about life as his mother.

That, and he rarely stops talking long enough for me to actually say anything.

So today I’m going to, instead, share my questions for JR here with all of you. I hope you enjoy them–and be sure to share whatever questions you’d toss back at your kiddos if you ever got the chance to get a word in edgewise.

— ∮∮∮ —

1. Why do you pronounce it as “displode” instead of “explode”?
2. How are your cheeks so soft?
3. Why do you put up absolutely no fuss when your dad puts you to bed but fight it SO HARD when I do?
4. On a related note, if bedtime with me is so horrible, why do you flip out at the mere suggestion that I punt the task to your dad for the night?
5. Where did you get all those dimples?
6. Why do you need to use the bathroom I’m using when we have two-and-a-half others at your disposal?
7. How do you end up sleeping as if you’re folded in half? Are you just sitting up in bed and suddenly conk out and fall forward?
8. Do we really have to sing “Down by the Bay” again?
9. Why does your head always smell like maple syrup?
10. Is poop really that funny?
11. Why do you eat pork directly off of a pig’s carcass but call anything with sauce on it “yucky”?
12. Can you please stop pulling on the banister?
13. Why did you stop calling bananas “mee-mees”?
14. Did you invent the term “cuddle friend” for your stuffed animals or did I?
15. How are you still hungry?
16. Still with the Power Rangers?
17. Why do you sometimes sound as if you’re from New Jersey?
18. Why would you ever turn down a grilled cheese?
19. How do you remember that the plane we rode in three years ago at the Aviation Museum was yellow, but you can’t remember to put your clothes in the hamper?
20. Speaking of, why do you drop the H when saying the word “hamper” as if you’re Bert from Mary Poppins?
21. Why do you shout, “Mama! I pooped!” with such glee?
22. Who chooses the bench on the merry-go-round?
23. Did you know that little hair flip you do completely destroys everyone around you? In a good way, I mean.
24. Who shortened all of your pants?
25. How do you sleep with a mountain of tiny, plastic toys under your pillow?
26. Why do you get to have the beautiful, sun-kissed, strawberry blonde hair I used to pay lots of dollars each month to achieve?
27. Do you and your dad have a bet going as to who can drive me crazy first by leaving drawers and cabinets open?
28. How did throwing out finger guns become your default dance move?
29. Can you please drop your R’s forever?
30. You know I’m not actually a napkin, right?
31. What’s with all the bracelets?
32. Why do you have more clothes and shoes than anyone else in this family even though you outgrow them within weeks and also make absolutely no financial contributions to our household?
33. How do you make your voice carry like that?
34. Will you please, please never stop calling them “dime-in-nose”?
35. Really? You have nothing to play with?
36. What’s it like to be the only kid in this family and, thus, not have anyone to blame for things?
37. Do you have more than two elbows? It sure feels like you do.
38. Why do you hate coats so much?
39. Are you cool with me Instagramming pictures of you sleeping? Like every night?
40. Where did you get that amazing laugh?
41. Who told you that cleaning up is a pain in the ass and not a super fun game Mama “lets” you play all by yourself?
42. How much longer will you voluntarily hold my hand in public?
43. Exactly what part of “Please put on your shoes” is giving you trouble?
44. Why do you have nothing to say to me until I need to make a phone call?
45. Do you have to start pre-K this fall?
46. You ever gonna let go of that thumb?
47. Do you ever just walk anywhere?
48. Were you born with the urge to turn every object into a gun/a sword/nunchucks/etc., or did someone foster that in you?
49. You’ll always call me “Mama”, right? None of this “Mom” business, ok?
50. Where did you hide the key to the safe deposit box? Seriously, I need you to tell me.

Related

• 50 things to teach my son before he goes; RVANews
• 50 things about my son; RVANews

May 28, 2013 6:32 AM 11