Off the Clock with The Checkout Girl: The good, the bad, and the naughty

It’s so Sex And The City. It’s so giggling silliness after two appletinis. It’s so every crappy Katherine Heigl movie ever made. And, at this point, I’m sure men are confused. Is it a myth? Does it exist? Meanwhile, every woman knows it’s absolutely real. I’m talking about The List.

April 19, 2010; 12:00 PM • by The Checkout Girl

It’s so Sex And The City. It’s so giggling silliness after two appletinis. It’s so every crappy Katherine Heigl movie ever made. And, at this point, I’m sure men are confused. Is it a myth? Does it exist? Meanwhile, every woman knows it’s absolutely real. No, friends, I’m not talking about the g-spot. I’m talking about The List.

Whether we crush like an awkward high school wallflower or would hump the crap out of, given the chance, all ladies have a mental list of celebs that give them a naughty feeling in their no-nos. Sometimes The List is in the vault, and you’ve got to ply us with fried apps and brightly colored drinks at TGIFriday’s to get a peek at it, and sometimes we’re an open book. If you’ve ever read even one single thing I’ve written, you probably know on which side I fall. I’m a sharer. Therefore, I present *cue trumpets*…

TCG’s List of Potential Celebrity Humpbunnies

Dave Grohl
Admit it, musical talent is sexy. I don’t care if it’s a concert pianist, banging on and sweating over a magnificent beast of an instrument in a giant concert hall, or a YouTube video of a girl sitting alone in her room, quietly strumming an acoustic version of Nelly’s “Hot In Herre” on a ukulele, musicians make me weak in the knees and hot in the pants. Ah, but Dave Grohl, he is rock and roll. Long hair? Check. Scrubby beard? Check. Gravely voice? Check. Making multiple instruments his bitch? Check. Whatever “it” is, he has it. And I want it. But it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if he showered first.

Salma Hayek/Penelope Cruz
Ok, ok, so they aren’t the same person, probably, and weren’t even born on the same continent, I just read, but they are both wonderfully talented, lovely actresses. One of whom breastfed someone else’s child in Africa, which pretty much puts her in the lead for my affections… but, Holy Liplock With Scarlett Johansson, Vicky Cristina Barcelona brings it back to almost a dead heat. Plus, they both sing. It all comes back to the music. And perky breasts.

Neil Gaiman
A sort of rock star of the literary world (thanks Wikipedia for summing it up just right); he’s English, he’s a bit older, he’s engaged to an artist I adore (Amanda Palmer, Google and become an instant fan), but I love him. He wrote one of my favorite comic books (right?) and several of my favorite books. Ok, so I might just want him to mentor me, but I fantasize that he rubs my head while he does it, which technically puts him on the list. Oh, and +10 if he brings Tori Amos.

Clive Owen
Fact: I’m a sucker for an accent. And he’s got a dreamy one. Ever seen Close My Eyes? Full frontal omigosh, right there. And the absolute edge of insanity instability that he conveys in Closer and Derailed throbs with dark danger, while his character in Children of Men is strong and protective. But the deal was sealed with the movie Sin City, another nod to my comic book nerdiness. He’s a whole lot of cool from across the pond. Also, does anyone else think he might make a good Bond? Note: Please don’t steal that idea unless you are willing to put me in the movie. Might I suggest a villain by the name of The Flower Girl? Perhaps with sleep poppies like in the Wizard of Oz? Just a thought.

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy
Heiress, model, actress, pop star, First Lady. Infamous for being quite, ahem, “generous” with her love (while in a relationship with a famous French publisher, she had a child by his son…who had a wife), she also married the President of France after having dated him for 3 months. Only about as scandalous as Barack Obama marrying Paris Hilton, is all. Why crush her, then? My guess is that she’s got a freak flag less like the tiny ones you see at the cemetery on Veteran’s Day and more like the one’s you see illuminated by flood lights at a truck stop. You know, the kind you can see from space. Oui.

Sarah Palin
Admit it, you were slightly attracted to Tina Fey’s Palin. We all were. And as seemingly delusional as the former Governor of Alaska may be, there’s something to be said for the crazy bitch. Otherwise, why would all of your guy friends marry them? She’s full of silly convictions and moose meat but that naughty librarian look and sassy wink spin my propeller and I can’t help giggling when I think about how she might sound when she gets happy. Really, really happy, if you know what I mean. You betcha.

Look, our lists don’t mean we don’t love you madly. And, no, we don’t want to hear about YOUR list (trust me, it will only cause trouble to know who else you are attracted to because our nail girl resembles Drew Barrymore and your coworker looks an awful lot like Olivia Munn). Just let us have our ‘tinis and giggle like schoolgirls. And maybe even fuel a fantasy or two for you. Oh, and if we call out Johnny Depp’s name in the heat of the moment, just go with it.

The Checkout Girl is a writer/retail superhero, originally from San Diego, CA, but currently rockin’ and rollin’ and whatnot in Richmond, VA. She attended Stephens College in Columbia, MO, where she excelled at keg stands and the rhythm method but realized too late that she couldn’t major in either. She spends her free time reading, knitting, watching crappy tv, googling celebrity breasts, and monitoring the zeitgeist. She chronicles her work escapades at thecheckoutgirl.net and her parenting adventures at fuckyeahmotherhood.com.

April 19, 2010 12:00 PM 4