Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Your childhood. Without pants.

Longing for your childhood days spent watching The Brady Bunch, The Cosby Show, and Happy Days? Turns out there are very, ahem, adult versions of these classic shows available… for those of you who are into that kind of thing.

So, I heard that Adrianne Curry, America’s Next Top Model winner and wife to Peter Brady or Christopher Knight or whatever, was having a bit of a meltie over on Twitter and rushed to the Googles to see if I could find her handle and peek in on the trainwreck. The thing is, I couldn’t remember her name at all (because who remembers her name and did you remember her name before the first sentence of this column?) so I searched her slightly more famous husband’s slightly more famous former sitcom (Note to self: Child stars are only adorable when they are children). Well, ho and behold, I came across a porn version of The Brady Bunch, instead! I was intrigued so I dug a little deeper (these double entendres are killing me and also slightly intentional) and found out that porn parodies of popular television shows are super-hot right now. And the Internet has free trailers for many of them. I’d love to say that I didn’t watch each and every one but, people, it’s called research and nothing is too good for my readers.

Check out these porntacular blasts from the past:

Not The Bradys XXX
Not only does it exist, but they made a sequel! And a threequel! Oh, and check out the twists: Greg is African-American, Bobby is Latino, Mrs. Brady looks to be Asian. It’s like the Jolie-Pitt house up in here! Sadly, Alice looks like Alice which is a total bonerkiller. But the thing that made me order it, er, I mean, appreciate it even more, is that Ron Jeremy plays Sam the Butcher. What? Yeah. Ron Hair-emy getting it on with a pornstar made up like Ann B. Davis? I can’t imagine anything less sexy but more entertaining. I look forward to further research in seven to 10 business days.

Not The Cosbys XXX
I watched the trailer for this. Maybe more than once. There are a few problems with the whole concept. 1) Cliff and his son Theo look to be approximately the same age, 2) Denise, Vanessa, and little Rudy Huckleberry are all three sexually active. In fact, in one scene it appears Denise has had a fight with her boyfriend and says “I’m through with men” while giving her scantily-clad girlfriend the sexyface. And 3) No one in the history of ever has found Bill Cosby sexy so the actor who plays him (complete with silly faces, bad sweaters, and chocolate pudding jokes — chocolate pudding apparently meaning Mrs. Huxtable in this case), had better really have something up his, um, sleeve, to make this thing work. Sadly, trailers don’t show anything good.

This Ain’t Happy Days XXX
Quote From the filmmaker, Axel Braun:

“I grew up worshiping the original show, so I obviously had a strong emotional attachment to this project…and apparently so did everyone else involved. The level of commitment I got from the cast was just unbelievable: Tommy Gunn kept his trademark goatee off to play The Fonz, Alan Stafford dyed his hair a ridiculous strawberry blond to channel Richie, and Jack Lawrence even dyed his pubes orange to become Ralph! We wanted to create an over the top porn parody that plays upon the fun and spirit of the original show, and I think we achieved that.”

Admittedly, I’m not a huge Happy Days fan. But you gotta love the level of commitment that goes into a man dying his pubic hair reddish-orange for a role. Would Tom Hanks do that? I don’t think so. Would I rather see Tom Hanks naked than, say, a guy with pumpkin pubes? Probably. But there’s no trailer for this one so I just have to imagine. Another thing I’m imagining: Fonzie jumping the shark. Nude. And the shark is a girl. Man, I could really clean up in this business!

Look, I like M*A*S*H, and goodness knows there is no shortage of sexy Asians in the porn biz, so choosing a show that takes place in Korea is genius. But suction jokes and sexy nurses only get you so far. When I saw their Klinger offering to show their Radar the ways of love, I clicked the stop button so fast it almost gave my laptop whiplash! Also, isn’t calling a porn actress Hot Lips sort of redundant? Oh, man, RVANews is going to fire me, for sure.

Not Three’s Company XXX
You guys, I have a great idea: let’s take a show that is a thinly-veiled orgy and make a porn parody by just removing the thin veil! Look, we all know that no one can ever replace John Ritter but Van Damage (not kidding) looks to have bumbling idiot down pretty well, plus he gets to make sweet love on camera. And, admit it, didn’t you always want to see roommates Janet and Chrissy behind closed doors, wink-wink, nudge-nudge? Oh, and casting Nina Hartley as Mrs. Roper and Ron Jeremy as Jim the Bartender… GE. NI. US.

And there are more. Not Bewitched XXX (Nina Hartley as Endora and Ron Jeremy as Dr. Bombay, these two are the Abbott and Costello of bj’s and dp’s!), a Friends parody (where the Courtney Cox character is hilariously named Moanica), and a Seinfeld parody complete with a chubby, bald guy playing the George Costanza character (I’ll bet he gets laid more than any of us) and a dirty, spicy Elaine which is hard to pull off because Julia Louis-Dreyfus was pretty darn spicy in the first place. By the way, most of these films are made by someone named Will Ryder who, near as I can tell, is like the Weird Al of porno which bums me out because I really wanted that title.

Anyway, by the time I finally got to the Adrianne Curry story, it was all blahblahblahbreastfeedingisgrossandIdon’thavesexinpublicsodon’tshowmeyourboobs and I was over it. And exhausted. Because, well, you know, research. Wink.

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The Checkout Girl

The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.

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