Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: The Real Housewives of All Time

Sick of hearing rich ladies complain about their first world problems? Take a look at who makes The Checkout Girl’s dream cast for The Real Housewives of All Time… and make sure to share your picks, too.

All three of my lady friends and my boss are nuts about the Real Housewives shows. I’m always being asked, “Did you see Real Housewives last…” and then they remember who they are talking to and how I mostly only like cartoons and shows with singing or children in beauty pageants and go talk to someone more interesting. I can’t help it; as soon as rich ladies start complaining about their first world problems, I’m all “Where’s the remote?” and then “Where are the Doritos?”

I just think the show could be better. I mean, the premise isn’t bad. Who doesn’t want to peek in on housewives and see what they do all day? Hell, the whole world is watching men run up and down a field, chasing a small black and white ball and acting as if their lives depended on it. If you replaced the whiny, bourgeois women they’ve mistakenly called “housewives” (unless the definition of the word has changed) with some more interesting characters, I might be drawn in. Of course, I’m going to need my pick across time and space. That’s totally doable, right? Yes, it’s called CGI and it’s what makes Betty White possible. We shall call it The Real Housewives Of All Time.

Hands down, my first pick for RHOAT is Sylvia Plath. You want drama? This woman had it in spades! She wrote The Bell Jar, a staple in every teen girl’s book collection, in which the female protagonist experiences mental illness and attempts suicide. Over here in Real Life Land, Sylvia killed herself a month after the book was published. Life imitating art imitating life? Seems so. And, get this: not long before her suicide, her husband left her for another woman. Who had a child by him after Sylvia’s death. Then killed herself and their child, the same way Sylvia had taken her own life. Hey, Real Housewives, you’ve got NOTHING on that!

With all that heavy sadness, RHOAT is going to need some comedy. Might I suggest Roseanne Barr Pentland Arnold Thomas? First, she really knows how to write family relationships. She is a real wife (several times over) and a real mom who doesn’t sugarcoat anything, but showed that underneath the tired, snarky exterior of the modern working mom was a woman who loved her family relentlessly. Also a big factor in her being cast? She is now BACK with her first husband! That she married in 1974! Let’s see one of these weak-ankled, french-tipped Real Housewives be half as interesting. I don’t think so, princess!

In an effort to bring some class to our show, I am also casting Dolley Madison as one of the RHOAT. What? The wife of fourth President of the United States, James Madison? Ya heard! This chick was so super cool that not only was she First Lady while her hubs was President, but she did a lot of the First Lady duties while third Prez, Thomas Jefferson, was in office because he was a widower and didn’t have a First Lady of his own. And lest you think she’s too boring to bring the RHOAT heat, James Madison was her SECOND husband; her first husband (and one of her sons) died in the yellow fever epidemic. Oh, and she was introduced to her second hubs, 17 years her senior and not yet President, by Aaron Burr. You know, the guy who killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel while he was VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES? Sorry, Real Housewives. This stuff makes you look Real Boring.

My last pick to round out the cast of RHOAT, and the one most likely to deliver the crazy, is Jaqueline Susann. Married three times and rumored to have had affairs with both Coco Chanel and Ethel Merman, the Valley of the Dolls author would be loads of fun and bring all the right pharmaceuticals to make the RHOAT friendships possible. Though she was plagued by guilt over having her autistic four-year-old put in an institution (where he remains to this day), she was an outspoken, scandal-ridden, determined powerhouse of a woman. Truman Capote mocked her writing, and went so far as to say she looked like a “truck driver in drag” on national television. When Jaqueline threatened to sue him, he went back on television to apologize “to truck drivers everywhere”. A cat fight with Truman Capote? Totally RHOAT material!

Look, Real Housewives, no one is saying you have to change your show. It’s wildly successful and, let’s face it, I am the girl who finds Berenstain Bears compelling television. Still, you might get a little more longevity with my idea. Having all of history to choose from will do that for you. I just can’t wait for season two, and the Mary Antoinette/Courtney Love brawls!

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The Checkout Girl

The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.

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