Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Shoo be doo bop ba dow!

After 20 years, Law & Order has been canceled. It’s like the TV execs WANT an Internet riot on their hands! If I were the President of Television (totally a thing), I’d handle my business mighty differently and bring back the greatest television show of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… Full House: All Growed Up.

May 17, 2010; 6:00 AM • by The Checkout Girl

The Twitters are all abuzz about the news that, after 20 years, Law & Order has been canceled. Smooth move, TV execs, canceling a show that many of us have grown up with. It’s like you WANT an Internet riot on your hands!

If I were the President of Television (totally a thing), I’d handle my business mighty differently. For instance, there would be at least three fewer versions of CSI, George Lopez would get a daily kick in the junk, and shows would be forbidden from running over to :02 or :32 and messing with people’s DVRs. Also, I’d create an All Bob Ross channel, cancel everything with “Dance” in the title, and bring back the greatest television show of all time to save you from a whole summer of Real Housewives reruns.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… Full House: All Growed Up.

Seriously, not a week goes by that I don’t stop and think to myself, at least once, “Dang, I wish Full House were back on.” Crazy, right? Yeah, like a Michael J. Fox! Really, what are any of the greatest sitcom stars of the late 80’s/early 90’s doing these days that would prevent a full on Tannerpalooza? While it’s true, we’ve seen the cast members in a different light since the show’s cancellation, the public is now much savvier and practically demands the grittiness of a more realistic family.

For instance, dad for all seasons, Danny Tanner. News: Bob Saget is an actor. Actor. He ACTED like someone’s dad. But he’s also a comedian. And you didn’t get far on the 80’s comedy circuit without a skinny tie, an expensive coke habit, and a few F-bombs. Big whoop, he tells dirty jokes. Guess what? ALL of our dads tell dirty jokes! As gross as it is to think about, it’s sort of a dad thing. Sure, your Pops might tell you to pull his finger, but I can almost guarantee he’s got another “pull my” joke for the rest of the world.

I would think that surely the Olsen twins have time to share the Michelle Tanner role, between them. While one is acting, the other can stand outside and chain smoke. How do you tell the difference between Mary Kate or Ashley loitering on a corner and a homeless woman? The Olsen twin has a bored expression and is rolling around on a pile of money. Maybe if we text them the invite to Tannerpalooza but pretend it’s a rave, they will be more likely to show up. Note to self: Call Samantha Ronson and see if she can peel Lindsay Lohan off of her for long enough to DJ this soiree. Second note to self: Buy Ecstasy.

As for Jodie Sweetin as Stephanie “How Rude!” Tanner, I don’t judge. I mean, who doesn’t have a large-breasted meth-addicted relative? What does her rack have to do with it? How do you think she got the drugs? No, really, if she doesn’t have a prior commitment to Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab, I’ll bet she’d be happy to do it. In fact, she’s preggers now which would make a good storyline. Remember when Jesse and Rebecca had those Zack and Cody looking twins toward the end? Babies are ratings gold, people! Write it into the script!

While Candice Cameron, much like her brother Kirk, has found Jesus, I’ll bet she would give up the bit parts on ABC Family she’s been thrown to be good ol’ DJ Tanner again. I mean, the prospect of reliving the adventure where she skipped school to see Stacey Q in concert at the mall should be enough to convince her. Besides, she did an episode of That’s So Raven, so how picky can she be? And her husband, named Valeri, gave up ice hockey to make wine so, if she doesn’t agree to do it, we definitely should NOT start a rumor that he’s an alcoholic. And a woman.

Oh, and Wikipedia confirms that Dave Coulier, the comic genius who played Joey Gladstone, is, in fact, still alive, still talking about Alanis, and still loving hockey. Oh, Canada.

Sadly, since ER went off the air, John Stamos, the swarthiest and, arguably, most employable member of the cast has been virtually relegated to the bread line. His only hope at this point, and I’m counting on it with every fiber of my being, is to pick up the mantle of Jesse Katsopolis, get the band back together, and do a holycrapmywildestdreamshavecometrue Beach Boys/Jesse and the Rippers musical episode. Or The Jess Man. Whichever.

You guys, there are some people who would throw millions at this project. After all, it’s Hollywood. But, as the President of Television, I really think we could get Full House: All Growed Up up and running by summer for about 500 bucks, a few cases of cheap beer, and a trip to the pharmacy. And if anyone tells that Kimmy girl, they are SO not getting any drugs.

The Checkout Girl is a writer/retail superhero, originally from San Diego, CA, but currently rockin’ and rollin’ and whatnot in Richmond, VA. She attended Stephens College in Columbia, MO, where she excelled at keg stands and the rhythm method but realized too late that she couldn’t major in either. She spends her free time reading, knitting, watching crappy TV, Googling celebrity breasts, and monitoring the zeitgeist. She chronicles her work escapades at thecheckoutgirl.net and her parenting adventures at fuckyeahmotherhood.com.

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