Off the Clock with The Checkout Girl: Pass the brownies

Some pop addicts choose to get their fix. For some, is their dealer. But, I am old. Old means I don’t like change. It also means I’ll soon get a discount at Denny’s. Mostly, it means I get my daily dose of useless news from

Some pop addicts choose to get their fix. For some, is their dealer. While that’s all well and good, I am old. Old means I don’t like change. It also means I’ll soon get a discount at Denny’s. But, mostly, it means I get my daily dose of useless news from People? Online? There just might be something to these Internets after all! I mean, I used to have to wait a whole week between celebrity gossip binges and subsequent purges. Now, leaves me, if not anywhere near the top of the in-the-know, at least somewhere toward the middle-bottom, just above my grandmother who reads the free Parade magazine that comes with her Sunday paper, and just below my mother, who likes to gossip with her church friends who know much more about Hollywood scandal than you’d expect from good, Christian ladies.

While perusing the People website tonight, deciding on which topic most whetted my whistle for this week’s column, I stumbled on the headline “Police Discover Pot On Bret Michaels’s Tour Bus” and was confused because:

1) I’m a college dropout, yes, but when did we start putting ‘s after an s? Are we not doing the dangling apostrophe anymore? Are we getting paid by the letter? Are there new rules for a new millennium or was I just not that friendly with the old rules? While we’re at it, what the hell happened to New Math?

2) Pot? On a musician’s rock star’s glamorous singing man’s tour bus? Jeez, cops, what the hell else did you think could possess someone to wear that much eyeliner? Or even CONSIDER a bandanna with stringy blond hair sewn in? And Rock of Love? Come on, law enforcement, you pulled the bus over for a broken license plate light with a K-9 unit? You’ve seen Celebrity Apprentice, you know that stuff don’t happen sober.

3) The comments section of that “article” is to die for. From what I can understand, the whole fiasco is either the right’s fault, the left’s fault, the media’s fault, or a punishment from the god of choice because women wear low-cut shirts.

In all seriousness, though, the big One Hit Wonder Tour drug bust comes closely on the heels of another beloved celebrity and, well, America’s Sweetheart, really, being persecuted for her love of hallucinogens. Paris Hilton has had two bitsy scrapes with the lawypoo in recent weeks. First at the World Cup, then at the airport in Corsica. Naturally, both were big misunderstandings, but who in the world worth their water cooler salt hasn’t seen a pic of Paris Hilton getting stoned? In fact, a smoking pot is her second favorite oral fixation, winkwinknudgenudge. Anyone who has been alive for more than five minutes knows that about Paris. No, actually, newborn babies come out of their moms knowing that about Paris. Which is weird because I’m all about freedom, but I don’t think babies should watch porn. Ready to have your mind blown? Stop to consider the fact that MAYBE Paris Hilton doesn’t have a wonky eye at all. MAYBE she is just always messed up. Yeah. That.

Come on, People online and other various entertainment news sources! Bret and Paris are hardly the first celebrities to be caught with weed. Such musical giants as David Lee Roth, Dionne Warwick, and Lil Kim’s nipples have all been busted with pot. And such acting greats as David Faustino, Dawn Wells, and Flavor Flav (he transcends categories, really) have had reefer madness. In fact, I’m almost certain that a love affair with Mary Jane is a requirement for entertainment mediocrity! Addiction is the new black and shows like VH1’s Celebrity Rehab and Sober House draw big ratings because we love to see the mighty hit rock bottom (still better than my highest summit), roll around there for a while, and get back up. And then fail again. Because that’s the kind of people we are. But we are also forgiving. And forgetting. It’s why people keep seeing Mel Gibson movies. But, whoever the next celeb is to test the public’s moral boundaries, you can bet I’ll read about it at People Mag. Why? Because I’m old, it’s comfortable, and, well, the crossword puzzles. What? They make me feel smart. Now pass the hard candy.

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The Checkout Girl

The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.

Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.

  1. Hugh Jarse on said:

    “The comments section of that “article” is to die for.”

    Well, that’s because anyone who comments on Innerweb articles is a Total Moron.

    Wait. Shit.

  2. Dudes, I love the People magazine crossword puzzles. I even do them in pen. My intellect is astounding.

  3. Renee on said:

    Although dlisted(dot)com is my celebrity gossip website of choice, I periodically check People for their ever-so-classy celebrity pictures. The captions tend to be just as entertaining as the photos.

  4. Thara on said:

    Since there is only one Brett Michaels, the correct possessive form is Brett Michaels’s. That’s some junior high or high school learning.

  5. That apostrophe is correct! Dangling apostrophe is only appropriate for plural words ending in “s”!

  6. Thara on said:

    I meant to begin that by saying that you are not friendly with grammar rules. Holla at a handbook.

  7. the grumbles on said:

    butterscotch hard candies are where it’s AT, granny.

  8. Sadly I haven’t gotten my celebrity fix lately because I’m convinced the only two celebrity sites I go to and gave me viruses. :-(

  9. Can we address the headband with the sewn-in hair? What…

  10. I am overcome with the need to send you a roll of butter-rum lifesavers, which is what my grandmother still carries in her purse. If I’m not mistaken, it’s the same damn roll she bought 35 years ago.

  11. As a huge fan of Poison in the ’80’s, I was gonna tell you I was offended that you called them one hit wonders. Then I couldn’t remember the name of that one album I loved (Open Up and Say… Ahh!–awesome album title, btw), so I went to ol’ Wikipedia and found out “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” was indeed their only #1 hit. So, okay, fine, you’re right. But it still hurts my feelings.

    Also, I love, but is where I go when I want to laugh so hard I pee my pants.

    Also, Valerie, I’m DYING to see what that thing looks like when it’s not on his head. Do we really think that the hair and kerchief are attached to each other?

  12. Julie on said:

    Actually though my high school experience told me that the ‘s should go on in this case, as others posting have explained, the college grammar class I took contradicted that and explained that in cases of phonetic awkwardness posed by proper names ending in s-sounds, one can use the danglie. And also NOT prounounce it twice. “Bret Michaels-es”

    Regardless, I happened on a better grammar fail in an article recently. An author who meant to say “we should be fighting homelessness” instead said in a long-winded rant, “we should be fighting the homeless.” The comments went on for miles. Of course it didn’t hurt that it was a mockery-magnet of a far-right criticsm of the horrors of sodomy in today’s sicko society (running rampant, evidently.) Hilarious reading anyhow.

  13. For what’s it worth, several other sites that published articles about him went with ” Bret Michaels’ ” rather than “Brett Michaels’s “

  14. Melissa on said:

    Yet another reason why I like Susan. Agreed on the apostrophe conventions.

  15. her church friends who know much more about Hollywood scandal than you’d expect from good, Christian ladies.

    As long as the gossip is prefaced with the phrase, “Bless her heart,” as in, “Bless Demi Moore’s heart, she can’t help it that she is so vacuous, but she does look good for a woman her age who has had a ton of plastic surgery,” or, “Bless their Hollywood hearts, celebrities can’t help being so stupid about politics because most of them are high school dropouts who have never taken a history or political science class in their lives.”

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