Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Now with more moobs!

Here we are, caught somewhere between summer and fall, burning heat and chilly breezes, Daylight Saving and whatever you call just regular old time — frankly, it’s an emotional roller coaster. While you’re deciding between the Antoine Dodson and the Mark Zuckerberg costumes for Halloween 2010, let me give you some tasty little candy corn-shaped nuggets of pop culture to chew on.

Denial is a funny thing. I mean, I had really buried the thought pretty well, way way near the back of my mind, underneath the fact that my car needs an oil change and next to the name that Elon Burns called me in seventh grade. It was deep but still it whispered to me, insistently. “It. Is. Coming.” a small voice said, and all the Katrina and the Waves I could sing wasn’t enough to drown it out. What is it? I’ll give you a hint. I hate it more than anything and it’s not the stupid commercial where the lady is on the phone bragging about how she lost weight eating chocolate cake and coconut cream pie and then you find out she’s talking about dessert-flavored yogurt and you want to yell out “YOU LIE” but remember you LOST your congressional bid so you just change the channel to Nick at Nite because it’s time for The Nanny and you don’t want to miss that theme song because it’s aces. Yes, folks, it’s the holiday season to which I’m referring and, while you think you have plenty of time to get ready, you don’t. And if you were here right now, I would slap you across the face dramatically, ala Dynasty, and tell you to wake up because IT’S OCTOBER.

So, here we are, caught somewhere between summer and fall, burning heat and chilly breezes, Daylight Saving and whatever you call just regular old time, the moon and New York City. And, frankly, it’s an emotional roller coaster. But, while you’re deciding between the Antoine Dodson and the Mark Zuckerberg costumes for Halloween 2010, let me give you some tasty little candy corn-shaped nuggets of pop culture to chew on. They’re low in nutritional value, but what else were you going to do with the next five minutes? Look up your ex on Facebook?

First, did you guys hear about this thing between comedian Marc Maron and former GOP chairman Ken Mehlman? The deal is that Mehlman was a big cheese in George Bush’s administration, which was strongly anti-LGBT, but has now come out as gay. Maron ended up sitting next to Mehlman on an airplane and live-tweeted the flight (ah, Twitter, you never let me down), including a few pictures of him next to the sleeping politician. In the shot seen ’round the world, Marc Maron has his own shirt unbuttoned and pulled open to reveal mannipple and Ken Melhman’s face in the same picture. Some people are calling the non-scandal “nipplegate”. Some are using the term “Maroning” to describe the new fad of capturing your areola and an unsuspecting person in the same frame. I am using this column to warn my friends that the idea makes me giggle and they are in no way safe from a twitpic along the same lines.

Oh, and guess what? Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, of Jersey Shore fame, got a book deal! She’s writing a romance called A Shore Thing about a girl looking for love. At the Jersey Shore. She’s super excited about it, admitting that she had only READ a book for the first time earlier this year. If you’re waiting for the punch line, there isn’t one. I can only hope the book is as entertaining as Nicole Richie, Lauren Conrad, and Pamela Anderson’s fiction masterpieces, which I may or may not have read. Ah, to be her ghost writer. What? You thought? Doubtful.

Tony Curtis, Stephen J. Cannell, and Greg Giraldo all died last week, the combo of which has brought on a slight case of The Sads. While I wasn’t a huge Tony Curtis fan, it’s impossible not to like him in Some Like It Hot and Operation Petticoat (my college roommate’s favorite movie and rarely NOT playing in our dorm room) and there’s no denying that he was a Hollywood legend. Stephen J. Cannell, though… I grew up with his work. He produced over 40 television series, including The Rockford Files, The Greatest American Hero (believe it or not), The A-Team, and 21 Jump Street. If Tony Curtis was a Hollywood legend, Stephen J. Cannell was a Burbank one. Greg Giraldo was a comedian and actor, probably best known for his finely-tuned insulting skills showcased in both the series of Comedy Central Roasts (David Hasselhoff being the most recent “honoree”) and Last Comic Standing, where he served as a judge. My favorite Greg Giraldo moment was probably during the Comedy Central Roast of Flava Flav when he took the podium, turned to Carrot Top, a fellow attendee, and was brave enough to ask what we’ve all been dying to for years (in a rhetorical way, of course), “What happened to your face?” He had a way of saying the most impossibly horrible things to someone, and getting a hug from them when he was finished.

But, before you get too down, I have good news. The divorce of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag has been canceled. I only hope that I can say the same about all future Speidi projects. Earlier this Summer, they spent some time together in Costa Rica and decided that they are in love. I can only conclude that means that in the time they spent apart, they found out that no one else can stand them. Besides, rain forests are the new bed and breakfasts. If you don’t believe me, you’re not paying attention. Anyway, they unfiled for divorce and have been seen liplocking all over the place so I guess that proves that they are the real deal. Or whatever. Stay tuned.

Well, that and a few Pumpkin Spice Lattes ought to be enough to get you through the weirdness of early October. If not, feel free to cheer yourselves by taking pictures of your nipples with famous faces. I promise you, it works. But only if you send me a copy.

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The Checkout Girl

The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.

Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.

  1. Lisa on said:

    Funny article!
    But how do I take pictures of my nipples with famous folks?
    (I might have some down time this week and I’d rather do that than stalk my ex on Facebook ~ which is so NOT healthy).

  2. bwahahah! you should ghost write the heidi montag speidi love story.

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