Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Katetastrophe

Mother’s Day is nearly upon us. What? Already? Yes. Sadly, I only have two children and so am guaranteed, at best, two somethings, but think about moms of multiples. The Kate Gosselins, Nadya Sulemans, and Michelle Duggars of the world have it SO GOOD on Mother’s Day. They must, right? Why, then, is Kate Gosselin always crying?

April 26, 2010; 12:00 PM • by The Checkout Girl

Mother’s Day is nearly upon us. What? Already? Yes. Consider this your one and only reminder to go out and get your mom something nice. Or make her some macaroni art. Whichever. Sadly, I only have two children and so am guaranteed, at best, two somethings, but think about moms of multiples. The Kate Gosselins, Nadya Sulemans, and Michelle Duggars of the world have it SO GOOD on Mother’s Day. They must, right? Why, then, is Kate Gosselin always crying?

Let’s get one thing straight: I am not about the Kate Hate. In fact, Kate Gosselin and her eight pieces of trouser fruit haven’t really been on my radar at all. I didn’t watch her show, read her books, get caught up in her hairstyle or her husband’s adultery, and haven’t taken sides in her War of the Roses-esque divorce. However, the media is not pleased with the fact that I have, thus far, managed to ignore Kate, and they continue to pummel me with her face that looks like it was injection-molded in that permanent half-smile/half-grimace, her bad extensions, and her french tips, from every angle.

Now, from what I’ve gathered, Kate has written a third book (what? did I say “THIRD”? yes. yes, I did) and is touring the country, annoying the piss out of me with it.

The thing that is really getting my goat is her traveling pity party, which is conveniently being broadcast on every station…
“Boohoo, I’m a single mom.”
“Boohoo, I don’t see my kids enough because my ‘job’ takes me away.”
“Boohoo, I wish I could trade places with my babysitter.” (Really? because I can’t THINK of a worse job than being your babysitter).

You know what, Kate? If you can believe it, you can achieve it! And if you can achieve it, I sure as hell hope you can shut the shit up about it!

Let me tell you a secret, Kate Gosselin: CELEBRITY IS NOT A JOB. Wish you could be home with your kids more? Don’t they have a WalMart in your town? You are probably completely useless with heavy lifting or making change, but I’ll bet they’d love to have you as a greeter. No blue vest for you? Fine. You look like a damn dental hygienist, so how about that? You’d have a captive audience to regale with stories about the time you were as easily recognized as the President, just for having a roomy uterus. Skeeved by teeth? Ok then, answer phones at your town’s largest Hyundai/Subaru dealer. I don’t care. But don’t continue crying about things that you can change.

Also, how dare you call yourself a single mom? I’ve been that exact thing for 13 years and it has never afforded me the opportunity to fly all over the country, touting a book of letters to my kids. You know, things I wish I could tell them but I can’t because I’m not there. I’m out touting books. It’s obvious that you have little respect for your philandering ex, but I hear he’s the one who is home, taking care of your eight little gravy trains. You joked on Leno that you’re not sure if Jon has a job or not but, teehee and eyeroll, “not to your knowledge.” Seems, Kate, that his job is raising the kids while you are out Dancing With The Hasbeens. Do you realize that you are coming off as a dick while he is looking like a hero? I’m completely sure that’s unintended and I’m angry with you for making that Ed Hardy-wearing jackass look like the good guy.

In short, Kate, I’m a little insulted. Please stop representing yourself as a single mom and, for Pete’s sake, stop saying you are doing things for moms everywhere. You are, quite obviously, doing things for yourself. Which is fine. Just own it. Oh, and stop by to see your kids once in a while. I hear they are beginning to think that your phone number starts with 1-800 because that’s what they see on TV. Clearly, you are a 1-900 girl.

The Checkout Girl is a writer/retail superhero, originally from San Diego, CA, but currently rockin’ and rollin’ and whatnot in Richmond, VA. She attended Stephens College in Columbia, MO, where she excelled at keg stands and the rhythm method but realized too late that she couldn’t major in either. She spends her free time reading, knitting, watching crappy TV, Googling celebrity breasts, and monitoring the zeitgeist. She chronicles her work escapades at thecheckoutgirl.net and her parenting adventures at fuckyeahmotherhood.com.

April 26, 2010 12:00 PM 6