Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Hollywood Walk of Shame

This past week, adult film superpower Vivid Entertainment released a sex tape starring Kendra Wilkinson. To quote the never-officially-been-a-Playmate-but-has-appeared-nude-in-Playboy-several-times, herself: “It broke my heart.”

May 31, 2010; 11:28 AM • by The Checkout Girl

This past week, adult film superpower Vivid Entertainment released a sex tape starring Kendra Wilkinson. To quote the never-officially-been-a-Playmate-but-has-appeared-nude-in-Playboy-several-times, herself: “It broke my heart.”

At first I was nonplussed. Why would a girl who agreed to date a multimillionaire porn magnate 60 years her senior, share him with two other beautiful women, and have the whole thing broadcast on television for fame and fortune, be so upset about the world of pervs at large (no judgment, I’m a soldier in the perv army) watching her do the nasty? I mean, she’s being paid $680,000 plus 50 percent of sales, so what’s the big whoop, right?

Wrong, apparently.

In fact, Kendra is convinced that this is “going to probably be the hardest time of our lives.” She hasn’t been married long enough to know that gem should be saved for when she wins an Oscar and he bangs a tore up, tattooed Nazi girl. Live and learn.

But Kendra is not the first celebrity to feel the sting of unauthorized on-camera nudity. No, plenty of stars have, well, starred in naughty tapes of their own. Let’s face it, news of a possible sex tape isn’t terribly shocking when it comes to some stars.

We all know about Tonya Harding’s wedding night video. Is there anything you’d rather watch LESS than her making an o-face while wearing a giant 1980’s-style puff of tulle on her head?

And who HASN’T seen Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee get it on… and felt just a little bit worse about themselves but then remembered the hepatitis and went from self-conscious back to smug?

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Paris Hilton’s night-vision grunt-fest with Rick Solomon who ALSO got busy with Pamela Anderson and even married Shannen Doherty once because, you know, he likes his ladies classy.

And don’t forget the scandal surrounding Brat Packer Rob Lowe, an underage girl, and some videotape at the Democratic National Convention. And don’t forget the humiliation of singing a duet with Snow White during the Academy Awards only a year later. Doubt there’s a god? YouTube that and witness a miracle.

Then, there are other celebs who seem more intelligent than to film their nudity (because it almost always, eventually, sees the light), but have. Like Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart (SPOILER ALERT: they are not the only two people in this video, wink-wink-nudge-nudge-they-throw-naked-parties), Gene Simmons (who, oddly, wears a shirt and chews gum throughout the dirty), Colin Farrell (but I have to think that he just probably likes to watch himself do anything and doesn’t care who knows it), and Carrie Prejean (haha, just kidding, did you see where I called Carrie Prejean “intelligent”?).

I just have to think that drug use is a big motivator when it comes to making the (poor) decision to film yourself playing spider monkey with your paramour. For example: Mindy McCready (Miss Hot Mess four years running and on track to pull a cinco!), Kelsey Grammer (I’m sure it’s tasteful, you know, because of Frasier and stuff), Dustin Diamond (titled “Screeched” and possibly just ordered by me based on the hilarious DVD box), and Kate Moss/Pete Doherty (if no one’s is vomiting then it’s not a party, fatty) all have captured their private time on camera. Is one of the side effects of being high that you think you’re hotter than you actually are? Because 1) obviously, and 2) pass whichever drugs do that.*

In addition to the sweet comedy gold to be mined from the celebrity sex tape phenomenon, there’s also a lesson to be learned. The moral of THIS story is: always wear a President Reagan mask when getting it on. Even if your lover has the tape rolling, people will think that your bodacious bod belongs to Ronnie. Oh, and extra points if you proclaim, “Mister Gorbachev, tear down this bra!”

*DISCLAIMER: TCG does NOT condone the use of drugs as a confidence booster. Instead, try dating someone uglier than you. not kidding, it totally works the same way and is not illegal.

The Checkout Girl is a writer/retail superhero, originally from San Diego, CA, but currently rockin’ and rollin’ and whatnot in Richmond, VA. She attended Stephens College in Columbia, MO, where she excelled at keg stands and the rhythm method but realized too late that she couldn’t major in either. She spends her free time reading, knitting, watching crappy TV, Googling celebrity breasts, and monitoring the zeitgeist. She chronicles her work escapades at thecheckoutgirl.net and her parenting adventures at fuckyeahmotherhood.com.

May 31, 2010 11:28 AM 6