Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Hollywood stole my childhood
The news hit me like a punch in the gut. Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel are set to star in a big screen remake of, get this: Laverne & Shirley. I immediately hit the Google running and found it to be true. My Google powers also revealed that there are plenty of remakes in the works, courtesy of Hollywood. So I decided to share the horror (and joy) with you.
The news hit me like a punch in the gut. Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel are set to star in a big screen remake of, get this: Laverne & Shirley. I immediately hit the Google running and found it to be true. Garry Marshall and Jamie Foxx are working together to bring a modern version of the vintage 1970’s sitcom to movie theaters. Modern take, you ask? Yes. So modern that instead of an “L” emblazoned on Laverne’s trademark sweaters (Oh, god, remember the torpedo bra under those sweaters? Classic!), she will sport a tattoo in the shape of that letter. Now, I don’t know about you, but for me, the prospect of this is more sacrilegious than The Passion of the Christ. I took my Google powers even further and found out that there are plenty of remakes in the works, courtesy of Hollywood. So I decided to share the horror (and joy) with you.
Gilligan’s Island is also on the list of graves to rob for fun and profit. Honestly, the original doesn’t really float my boat (don’t worry, there are plenty more where that came from), but I’m not that crazy about the prospect of watching The Professor whittle an iPhone from some driftwood or fashion a DVR from sea grass, a fish skeleton, and two coconuts. While there are no parts officially cast, series creator Sherwood Schwartz says that he would like to see Michael Cera in the role of Gilligan and Beyoncé as Ginger. So, I guess that they are seven strangers who get shipwrecked in Hell?
Other rumored TV to movie projects are a comedy version of Dallas (starring Ben Stiller), a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles prequel, and both Fraggle Rock and Muppet movies. Ouch! My childhood!
And it’s not only old television shows that are being plundered for your dollars. Nope, plenty of old movies are being remade into new ones, as well. Russell Brand, who has his dirty little fingers in a lot of pies (including Katy Perry’s), is rumored to be attached to star in remakes of both Drop Dead Fred and Arthur. Holy crap good casting, as he always seems 1) drunk and 2) crazy. If we could only get him to play a homeless man eating a giant wedge of cheese, I’d say that Hollywood had represented every side of this multifaceted man-gem. Oh, and there will never be another theme song that even comes close to the awesomeness of the Christopher Cross original, “Arthur’s Theme,” so give it up movie makers.
Classically crappy 1980’s movie Overboard is being retooled with Will Smith on board (get it?) as producer and Jennifer Lopez filling the Goldie Hawn role. While I can see her as a spoiled rich bitch with a yacht who mistreats a carpenter (in fact, if I hadn’t seen the original about 30 times, I would have no trouble believing this was based on an incident from last weekend), the fact that there is no male cast to play the Kurt Russell part at this time makes me fear that we are in for a Jennifer Lopez/Marc Anthony romp, which I cannot abide. It might have worked for Goldie and Kurt but, trust me, Jen and Marc, you are no Goldie and Kurt. Take note: this is another Garry Marshall film. It’s like he’s having an “Everything Must Go” sale. On his soul.
The team that brought you Wedding Crashers is resurrecting National Lampoon’s Vacation. Of course the classic road trip movie would be terrible without Chevy Chase, right? Never fear, he is set to come back. AS THE GRANDFATHER. What the hell, jerks? I mean, yeah, he’s got quite a bit of snow on the roof these days and, well, a few more wrinkles, a bit of a stoop when he walks, and, oh, the heck with it. Just do it. But if “Holiday Road” is not the theme song, so help me. Empty threats? I got ’em.
Best Little Whorehouse In Texas is not only a super-fun musical (and possible title for my autobiography), it’s another movie remake that’s currently in the works. The ladies who adapted Legally Blonde from a novel to a major motion picture are working on this and, really, Dolly and Burt cameos would just about make my life. But I’ve seen Legally Blonde and, damnit, I need some bawdy in my whorehouse and I just don’t know if these girls can bring it.
More movie-to-movie remakes coming soon to a soul crushing near you are Dune, Endless Love, Flight of the Navigator, Gremlins, Honey, I Shrunk The Kids, The Neverending Story, Romancing the Stone, Short Circuit, and Teen Wolf. In short, many of the movies that we grew up with are being dragged out, crap electroplated, and CGI’d for the Twilight generation… thereby taking quite the dump on my formative years.
While I’m certain that Gossip Girl‘s Chace Crawford will make a magnificent Kevin Bacon from Footloose, I’m gonna stick with my memories. As far as remakes go, as the kids say, “Everything old is new again,” but I’ve got my moon, I’ve got my New York City, I’ve got my schlemiel! and schlimazel! Now get offa my lawn.
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The Checkout Girl
The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.
Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
way to think outside the juice box, hollywood. seriously who kidnapped all of the original thinkers in that town?
best line eva: It’s like he’s having an “Everything Must Go” sale. On his soul.
Drop Dead Fred! I love that movie! Especially now that I get the cobwebs joke.
Also, before I can support an Arthur remake, I would need to know who is going to take on the role of Hobson.
“If you and your undershirt will walk two paces backwards, I could enter this dwelling. “
but but but! the muppet movie is a jason segel project so it has to be good. and word on the street is the fraggle rock movie won’t have any cgi, so there could be hope. there have been some pretty fabulous movie remakes in our time so i’m not going to knock em til i see a trailer.
If Dune was remade by Alejandro Jodorowsky, as was originally intended, it would be the greatest movie ever made. Music by Pink Floyd, Henry Cow, Magma, and Karlheinz Stockhausen, sets and costumes by Salvador Dali, Moebius and H R Giger, starring David Carradine, Herve Villachaize, Gloria Swanson, and Mick Jagger!…although it was supposed to be 10 hours long. Jerry Bruckheimer will probably do it now though, and it will be a series of explosions in a desert with Will Smith riding a CGI sandworm.
Considering the alternatives are board game movies (Candyland, Battleship, Monopoly and Magic 8 Ball (whaaa?) are all ones I’ve heard about), I’ll take a remake any day.
you didn’t mention Karate Kid and The A-Team! Talk about rape of a childhood.
A Magic 8 Ball movie? WTH?
‘Overboard’ Redux? My sister will have a conniption fit. She’s seen it at least as many times as you. Garry Marshall must be trying to make cash for his fam before he kicks. Jerk.
Forgive me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the whole appeal of The Neverending Story the fact that the acting and effects are so bad they send creepy shivers up your spine? I thought that was what made it good?
Wow, and all along I thought “Lost” was a remake of Gilligan’s Island. I had wondered where the “Skipper” was?
And I hate to break it to you young ones but half the movies out of Hollywood or where ever the hell they make movies now days are remakes from the 40s and 50s. Sad;y, they were remakes too. They just change the names so they don’t have to pay royalties.