Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Hollywood stole my childhood

The news hit me like a punch in the gut. Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel are set to star in a big screen remake of, get this: Laverne & Shirley. I immediately hit the Google running and found it to be true. My Google powers also revealed that there are plenty of remakes in the works, courtesy of Hollywood. So I decided to share the horror (and joy) with you.

May 10, 2010; 11:45 AM • by The Checkout Girl

The news hit me like a punch in the gut. Jennifer Garner and Jessica Biel are set to star in a big screen remake of, get this: Laverne & Shirley. I immediately hit the Google running and found it to be true. Garry Marshall and Jamie Foxx are working together to bring a modern version of the vintage 1970’s sitcom to movie theaters. Modern take, you ask? Yes. So modern that instead of an “L” emblazoned on Laverne’s trademark sweaters (Oh, god, remember the torpedo bra under those sweaters? Classic!), she will sport a tattoo in the shape of that letter. Now, I don’t know about you, but for me, the prospect of this is more sacrilegious than The Passion of the Christ. I took my Google powers even further and found out that there are plenty of remakes in the works, courtesy of Hollywood. So I decided to share the horror (and joy) with you.

Gilligan’s Island is also on the list of graves to rob for fun and profit. Honestly, the original doesn’t really float my boat (don’t worry, there are plenty more where that came from), but I’m not that crazy about the prospect of watching The Professor whittle an iPhone from some driftwood or fashion a DVR from sea grass, a fish skeleton, and two coconuts. While there are no parts officially cast, series creator Sherwood Schwartz says that he would like to see Michael Cera in the role of Gilligan and Beyoncé as Ginger. So, I guess that they are seven strangers who get shipwrecked in Hell?

Other rumored TV to movie projects are a comedy version of Dallas (starring Ben Stiller), a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles prequel, and both Fraggle Rock and Muppet movies. Ouch! My childhood!

And it’s not only old television shows that are being plundered for your dollars. Nope, plenty of old movies are being remade into new ones, as well. Russell Brand, who has his dirty little fingers in a lot of pies (including Katy Perry’s), is rumored to be attached to star in remakes of both Drop Dead Fred and Arthur. Holy crap good casting, as he always seems 1) drunk and 2) crazy. If we could only get him to play a homeless man eating a giant wedge of cheese, I’d say that Hollywood had represented every side of this multifaceted man-gem. Oh, and there will never be another theme song that even comes close to the awesomeness of the Christopher Cross original, “Arthur’s Theme,” so give it up movie makers.

Classically crappy 1980’s movie Overboard is being retooled with Will Smith on board (get it?) as producer and Jennifer Lopez filling the Goldie Hawn role. While I can see her as a spoiled rich bitch with a yacht who mistreats a carpenter (in fact, if I hadn’t seen the original about 30 times, I would have no trouble believing this was based on an incident from last weekend), the fact that there is no male cast to play the Kurt Russell part at this time makes me fear that we are in for a Jennifer Lopez/Marc Anthony romp, which I cannot abide. It might have worked for Goldie and Kurt but, trust me, Jen and Marc, you are no Goldie and Kurt. Take note: this is another Garry Marshall film. It’s like he’s having an “Everything Must Go” sale. On his soul.

The team that brought you Wedding Crashers is resurrecting National Lampoon’s Vacation. Of course the classic road trip movie would be terrible without Chevy Chase, right? Never fear, he is set to come back. AS THE GRANDFATHER. What the hell, jerks? I mean, yeah, he’s got quite a bit of snow on the roof these days and, well, a few more wrinkles, a bit of a stoop when he walks, and, oh, the heck with it. Just do it. But if “Holiday Road” is not the theme song, so help me. Empty threats? I got ’em.

Best Little Whorehouse In Texas is not only a super-fun musical (and possible title for my autobiography), it’s another movie remake that’s currently in the works. The ladies who adapted Legally Blonde from a novel to a major motion picture are working on this and, really, Dolly and Burt cameos would just about make my life. But I’ve seen Legally Blonde and, damnit, I need some bawdy in my whorehouse and I just don’t know if these girls can bring it.

More movie-to-movie remakes coming soon to a soul crushing near you are Dune, Endless Love, Flight of the Navigator, Gremlins, Honey, I Shrunk The Kids, The Neverending Story, Romancing the Stone, Short Circuit, and Teen Wolf. In short, many of the movies that we grew up with are being dragged out, crap electroplated, and CGI’d for the Twilight generation… thereby taking quite the dump on my formative years.

While I’m certain that Gossip Girl‘s Chace Crawford will make a magnificent Kevin Bacon from Footloose, I’m gonna stick with my memories. As far as remakes go, as the kids say, “Everything old is new again,” but I’ve got my moon, I’ve got my New York City, I’ve got my schlemiel! and schlimazel! Now get offa my lawn.

The Checkout Girl is a writer/retail superhero, originally from San Diego, CA, but currently rockin’ and rollin’ and whatnot in Richmond, VA. She attended Stephens College in Columbia, MO, where she excelled at keg stands and the rhythm method but realized too late that she couldn’t major in either. She spends her free time reading, knitting, watching crappy TV, Googling celebrity breasts, and monitoring the zeitgeist. She chronicles her work escapades at thecheckoutgirl.net and her parenting adventures at fuckyeahmotherhood.com.

May 10, 2010 11:45 AM 11