Off the Clock with The Checkout Girl: Hole in One

I just saw a news report (read: Perez Hilton update) that Howard Stern is organizing a beauty pageant for Tiger Woods’s (alleged) mistresses. The prize is a whopping $100,000, and is being supplied by, which Stern calls “A discreet dating service.”

I just saw a news report (read: Perez Hilton update) that Howard Stern is organizing a beauty pageant for Tiger Woods’s (alleged) mistresses. The prize is a whopping $100,000, and is being supplied by, which Stern calls “A discreet dating service.”

Out of curiosity, I visited (so you don’t have to — it’s called investigative journalism, duh). Their slogan is “Life is short, have an affair” and the photo on the landing page is of a woman kneeling in front of a shirtless man. Sure, it’s suggestive, but perhaps she’s praying for the strength to keep the seventh commandment. Or maybe she dropped a contact lens. In his navel. What I found most amusing, though, is that they offer a money back guarantee. That’s right, “Have an affair – Guaranteed!” is their other slogan. According to the fine print, if you don’t have an affair within three months of enrolling in their (get this) Affair Guarantee Membership Package, you get your $249 enrollment fee returned to you. Correct me if I’m wrong but, in the old days, didn’t an affair break the bank only when you had to pay off your mistress or hire a divorce lawyer? Now you’ve got to pay to find someone willing to sleep with a married man/woman? Did every hotel bar suddenly shut down and I wasn’t informed?

Anyway, classy sponsor aside, four of Tiger’s extra-marital muffins have reportedly agreed to participate in the pageant. Ladies, I’ve met Tiger. I know he is charming and I don’t blame you for dropping your Frederick’s of Hollywood Lace Crotchless Thong (Oh, yeah, it exists. More investigative journalism. Also, it’s already a thong, so isn’t the crotchless thing really just a novelty?) after five minutes with him. But what happens next is up to you.

Rachel Uchitel, the first “other woman” identified by the National Enquirer and the main cloud in this crapstorm, is rumored to have received a millionish dollar settlement and, sadly, wouldn’t be allowed to participate in the pageant under the terms of the agreement. When I say “sadly,” I mean sadly for her because the word is that she would totally be down for it, were it not for the “discretion” that she agreed to. How about demonstrating some discretion without being paid? Because, you know, you are gathering your dignity and carrying on? You schtupped a married multi-millionaire. It happens. But there is a point where you go from being a starry-eyed slave to your libido and become the mayor of Whore Junction.

Speaking of Whore Junction, take Joslyn James, described as a “Hard Core Porn Star” (which I think means she lets them in the back door), who now claims to have been impregnated twice during her three year affair with Tiger Woods.

“I feel bad for [Tiger’s wife]. She didn’t deserve this and she didn’t deserve being humiliated,” she told Inside Edition.

No. If you feel bad for someone, you go about your business that DOESN’T include appearing on every softcore news show, reading text messages from her husband, and sympathizing all the way to the bank.

Oh, and Jaimee Grubbs, a cocktail waitress (a theme, from what I understand), was the recipient of the infamous message from Tiger (parodied by Ludacris in his latest single, “Sexting”. Awww, yeah), asking her to take her name off of her own voicemail greeting, in case his wife decided to call the numbers stored in his phone. Ouch. She claims to have had a two and a half year affair with Woods, and that message had to hurt. What to do with the pain? Take it to US Weekly and play them the message. For money. Then pose for Maxim, wearing only sheer, ill-fitting panties and too-big heels. For money. I get it, sister. I’m poor, too. But there’s a difference between taking your power back and being an opportunist.

And don’t forget Loredana Jolie, a former Playboy model who tells a sordid tale about being with Tiger the night his father died. She claims to have been sitting beside him in only a pair of panties when he received the news. She also claims to have been in love with Tiger but is shopping a book about his alleged sexual encounters with men. Love is patient, love is kind, love does NOT sell secrets about the other person’s fondness for a hot Manwich every once in a while.

And there are more — many more — with several reportedly being paid to tell their stories, others being paid not to. All profiting fairly handsomely. Look, it takes two to dirtytango and, for the women who are being paid by the Tiger camp, I suspect that there might be at least a modicum of truth to their stories. What I’m not sure about, though, is when bringing down a superstar became a legitimate career. Did I miss a memo? Is it possible that I’ve been working hard everyday when I could have just slept with Tom Selleck? Damn you, Magnum P.I.! Damn you AND your luxurious face fur! Wait, maybe there’s still time. BRB, gotta google some stuff and update my five year plan.

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The Checkout Girl

The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.

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