Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Dancing With the Wha?
Last month, when the cast of this season’s Dancing With The Stars was revealed, I was torn. Not on whether or not to watch it. Though I’ve never felt the least bit compelled, in nine seasons, to so much as read Twitter updates about the show, the modern-day version of Circus of the Stars was boasting a lineup that scratched me right where I was itching. You know, itching for terrible television.
Last month, when the cast of this season’s Dancing With The Stars was revealed, I was torn. Not on whether or not to watch it. Though I’ve never felt the least bit compelled, in nine seasons, to so much as read Twitter updates about the show, the modern-day version of Circus of the Stars was boasting a lineup that scratched me right where I was itching. You know, itching for terrible television.
Now, let’s be clear, I am perfectly aware of the Grand Canyon’s-worth of ridiculousness involved in this show, starting with the name. Much like Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Rehab, and the aforementioned Circus of the Stars, there are very few Stars OR Celebrities on this show. At least not in the technical sense. Oh, sure, at one time, Shannen Doherty and Pamela Anderson were somebodies enough to snort happiness at the Viper Room with River Phoenix but, let’s face it, that’s going on twenty years ago now and we’ve all, River included, seen better days.
Then there’s the Greatest American Hero, astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Who the heck thought it would be a good idea to drag him out and trot him around the ring? The second man to walk on the moon is the first man to make me cringe with such ferocity since, as a child, I accidentally saw my dad in tightie-whities. And, yes, most of us are aware of his claim to fame so when they show film of his rehearsing for the show and EVERY SINGLE TIME he is wearing a tee shirt with an astronaut print, well, it’s called overkill. My guess is that they are available for sale somewhere. The thought makes me too angry to Google it.
Speaking of overkill, have you heard that The Bachelor star Jake Pavelka is a pilot? I have. Know why? Because he mentions it, constantly. I mean, they called his season The Bachelor: On The Wings of Love, for Bergeron‘s sake. Now, on Dancing, he loves to talk about how things are/are not like flying a plane: “I’m a better pilot than dancer.” Oh, and he’s standing next to a plane as he says it. Come on, man, though I, fortunately, didn’t get caught up in it, I’m pretty sure that most of your “fans” would rather hear you talk about why you chose crazyass Vienna for your “bride.” Or how long you think it might be before you get it on with your partner Chelsie. I give it two weeks. You know, they gotta gets to know each other first.
And there’s the mom of eight we love to hate, Kate Gosselin. She is taking a Radio Flyer’s worth of slack for leaving her wombfruit to dance with the other stars. Myself, I don’t care. They are likely better off being raised by whomever stays with them while mom is off being famous or whatever. Unless it’s Ed Hardy billboard and cad about town, the ever-youthful babydaddy Jon Gosselin. He’s busy raising his co-ed girlfriends. You know, with his penis. Also, being famous is a job now. A career, even. It’s important that her children continue to see her on tv so that they don’t forget who she is.
Actress Niecy Nash is doing it “for thick girls everywhere.” Olympic gold medalist Evan Lysacek is doing it because he’s got nowhere to go but down after Vancouver and besides he thought it would really cheese angry silver medalist Victor Petrenko. ESPN’S Erin Andrews is doing it because she wants to see if she can get us to imagine her with her clothes ON. Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger is doing it because being Untalented Spice was getting tiring. NFL wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is doing it apparently to push his “…girl you trippin” line of custom t-shirts. And soap star Aiden Turner is doing it because, uh, I’m sorry, WHO is Aiden Turner? Oh, right, a star.
So, even though I mock, I’ll be tuning in on Monday nights at 8pm for the foreseeable future. Why? Because, like a really good car wreck, it’ll get real good as soon as I look away. Besides, at any given moment Pam Anderson is only about six centimeters away from a wardrobe malfunction. And there is NO WAY I am missing out on Baywatch nip.
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The Checkout Girl
The Checkout Girl is Jennifer Lemons. She’s a storyteller, comedian, and musician. If you don’t see her sitting behind her laptop, check the streets of Richmond for a dark-haired girl with a big smile running very, very slowly.
Notice: Comments that are not conducive to an interesting and thoughtful conversation may be removed at the editor’s discretion.
Hit the nail on the head, and hilarious, as always.
I would like the show a lot more if they would cut out about 50% of the yapping the hosts and judges and contestants do and JUST DANCE. Buzz and Kate are terrible dancers so far.
raising his co-ed girlfriends with his penis!!! bwahaha. why am i trying to picture this stunt?
and baywatch nip would be excellent. way better than seeing that evil glare she gives with her black roof-tar eyelashes and eyelids. that aint sexy pam.
It’s hard enough trying to find a decent show to watch on television that isn’t a perpetual trainwreck but I’m surprised this has gone on as long as it has. I thought they’d have given up on the series by now.
I might consider watching this with a bottle of classless wine and company, though, because this sounds like a bigger train wreck than the others (as far as I can tell).
Speaking of a trainwreck, you know “Singing with the Stars” is coming, right? How could it not.
I’m just waiting for “Snorting Borax with the Stars” or “Celebrity Hoarders.” Fingers crossed.
I’m watching for the first time this season for the same reason…who the f are these “stars”? Love this post.