Off the clock with The Checkout Girl: Celebrity beef, it’s what for dinner

it’s been a week of the blahs. All the kids went back to school but mother nature seems reluctant to give up the boiling temps of Summer. Pumpkin Spice Latte, Starbucks? It’s ninety degrees out and I don’t WANT to smell like both nutmeg and Gold Bond powder at the same time! When I get like this, there’s only one surefire solution to drag me from the blues, back to the pinks: celebrity beef.

September 20, 2010; 12:00 PM • by The Checkout Girl

So, it’s been a week of the blahs. All the kids went back to school but mother nature seems reluctant to give up the boiling temps of Summer. Pumpkin Spice Latte, Starbucks? It’s ninety degrees out and I don’t WANT to smell like both nutmeg and Gold Bond powder at the same time! Anyway, when I get like this, there’s only one surefire solution to drag me from the blues, back to the pinks: celebrity beef.

Dictionary.com defines “Beef” as “An argument or dispute”. Celebrity beef (Can we just start calling it “celebeef”? Too late, already done.) has the added element of being captured and heightened by the media, for all the world to chew on. And by world, I mean that nightmare Perez Hilton. Probably the most well-known of these, since the term “beef” was coined (Not “celebeef”. That was only twenty seconds ago.) is the East Coast-West Coast rap rivalry. The Notorious B.I.G. (East!) and Tupac Shakur (West!) had beef for years, extending to their music, friends, and family, and both ended up murdered. Now THAT’S beef. But I’m less interested in violence and crews and more interested in catfights and name calling. Because that’s the kind of girl I am.

You know who’s got good celebeef? Lindsay Lohan and, um, EVERYBODY!

I LOVE the media tussle between she and Dr. Drew, a man famous for his reality shows Celebrity Rehab and Sober House. So, an expert, obviously. He apparently told Radar Online that if Lindsay “were my daughter, I would pack her car full with illegal substances, send her on her way, call the police, and make sure she was arrested.” Yikes. (Does Dr. Drew even have children? Google My research says yes. Teen triplets of all things. Gah! Good luck, kiddies!) Lindsay responded by calling Dr. Drew a “quack”. Obviously feeling like he wasn’t properly heard, Dr. Drew then took his rant to the Huffington Post to reiterate something that had, really, for all intents and purposes, been iterated pretty clearly (Did you know “iterate” was a word? Hell yeah, it is! Boom!). Lindsay responded again, saying, “He’s such a loser… He’s not a real doctor, he’s a celebrity doctor”. Yeah, Linds, a celebrity doctor. FOR CELEBRITIES! Anyway, the beef is still on, thanks God, and has been left at “I sincerely wish her the best” but you know the good doctor is just biding his time until she ends up on his doorstep, wanting to be on his show.

Another celeb sincerely wanting to make Lindsay into a better person and gently help her through her rough time is wacky old coot comic actor Jerry Lewis. At 84, a time when I hope to have figured out how to hear ridiculous things and maintain an inner peace about them, he got fired up, recently, when talking about LiLo’s sitch. “I’d smack her in the mouth if I saw her,” Lewis said to Inside Edition. “I would smack her in the mouth and be arrested for abusing a woman!” Getting even more fired up, he continued, “I would say, ‘You deserve this and nothing else’ … WHACK! And then, if she’s not satisfied, I’d put her over my knee and SPANK her!” Hrm, not as inner peace-y as I had hoped. To be fair, Lindsay wasn’t the only young lass in his sights. “[It’s] the same thing with Paris Hilton,” he said. “Those children are begging for help. What they’re doing is saying, ‘I’m fucked up, can you help me?'”, then “I think they need a fucking spanking! And a reprimand!” Hey, Nutty Professor, it’s starting to sound like maybe you just wanna hit girls. Take a heart pill and sit your ass down. And screw you for making me side with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton!

You know who else is all about the Lohans? Another gingery former child star/addict, Danny Bonaduce. On The Early Show he talked about how rehab can’t help Lindsay, because she doesn’t admit she has a problem (12 Steppy!). Duh, Danny Partridge. But what he said that WAS slightly interesting is that he spent four years as number one on a list that radio hosts refer to called the “Dead Pool.” The Dead Pool is a list of celebrities most likely to die. Today, he says he’s number 63 and Lohan is number one. Bonaduce says he’s seen Lohan at her worst and fears she may drive drunk one day and kill herself or someone else. Okay. Yes. Totally. But how do I get in on this Dead Pool? I’ve got a good/bad feeling about that guy who’s married to Tori Spelling and maybe his motorcycle or a necktie and a closet rod.

But lots of other celebs have publicly given advice to Lindsay, too, adding insult to injury or salt to beef (mmm…salty beef). Including Betty White, a lady who is at the top of her game at 88, who said “Shape up!” and Lil’ Kim, who is no stranger to the pain when it comes to jail and “harsh” sentences, seeing that she did a year of hard time for refusing to cooperate with the law after witnessing a shooting. She sees it differently, saying, “If you’re not killing someone or doing something really drastic, really, to me, no one deserves to be judged.” but I lost focus while she was speaking because I was thinking about her nipples and how she’s always showing them and will you please stop yapping and show me what kind of pastie you’re wearing today, Lil’ Kim!

My favorite wisdom, though, came from Merle Haggard who was in San Quentin at 19, because he’d already escaped from jail 17 times. He said “She’s going to have to straighten out her life, otherwise she’ll be dead by the time she’s 30. That’s the bottom line.” Why is it my favorite? Because I love grizzled old cowboys!

So, poor Lindsay Lohan is getting beef from all sides, all the time, but I think she’ll be okay. She showed up at the VMAs last week and made fun of her own troubles, which I’ve got to give her credit for. When she gets to Step 8 of her recovery, though, she’s got a lot of fellow actors with which to make amends. And late night comedians. And office ladies around water coolers. Crap. She might just be taking her celebeefs to the grave. Which, according to current Death Pools, should have happened about twenty minutes ago.

The Checkout Girl can usually be found with her laptop attached to her fingertips, updating thecheckoutgirl.net or, more frequently, fuckyeahmotherhood.com. She also tweets/twits/twats as @thecheckoutgirl or @fyeahmotherhood. She loves all things dishy and is looking for a manicurist who will scrawl obscenities in her nail polish, because she’s THAT cutting edge.

September 20, 2010 12:00 PM 0